To feel deep guilt?

[Rainfull091]

My neighbour had a cat who was an absolute darling. For 10 years she has come to visit me and has become a rock in many ways especially as I have been through such a tough patch over the past few years. The other neighbours all adored the cat also but she used to come to me all the time and of course I got incredibly attached. I don't think my neighbour liked that she did that and he always seemed a bit off with me when I texted concerns about the cat such as it came round with a limp one time so I sent a text just saying that I'm sure he already knew but the cat was limping. As I said, the responses when I texted on these rare occasions either seemed to be a bit off or confusingly friendly.
Anyway, a fortnight ago, the cat came round with a swollen eye. I didn't mention it to the owner as thought he would already know and not appreciate me telling him. A few days later it seemed to get better slightly. But then the cat in the past week was extremely tired, quiet and eye seemed quite bad again as well as looking really dirty round the nose and mouth/breathing seemed laboured etc. I made her comfortable with a blanket and then I watched her go home. I was reassured she would be cared for. Didn't see her for 3 days and then this morning was told by another neighbour that she had died. They didn't say much else but now I feel intense guilt. I know she wasn't my responsibility but I feel I let her down. I can't get past the last image I have of her all dirty and exhausted in my garden. I'm embarrassed to say that I've been in tears throughout the day. Please be kind to me with your replies. Feel bad enough as it is. Before anyone accuses me of trying to take over her care it was never like that. She kept coming to me and I always knew she was not mine but it didn't stop me really loving her. She was just a beautiful cat and such a light in my life.

Have you thought about maybe getting a cat of your own to share all the love you can give. There are loads out there that need a loving home, it won't take away any guilt you feel (you really shouldn't have to feel guilty) but maybe it'll help you with the loss of the one you loved so much.

Unfortunately I'm not in a position to do so at the moment,
Thank you for being kind x

It's nice to know that there are still people out there that care so deeply about pets, even ones that aren't their own. It's no wonder she loved coming round to you, and you did your best for her when you could, just try to remember that whenever your start to feel a bit of guilt (again, even though you shouldn't feel it) x

Cats choose humans. You were in a very difficult situation but you shouldn't feel guilty. Think of those ten years you showed her love.

Aww this is sad. You mustn’t feel guilty. You contributed to her happy life. How lovely that you cared for her so much.

This. Bless you x

Thank you for being kind everyone.
I think I just feel I let her down and I can't get that last image of her out of my mind. It broke my heart to see her so dirty and struggling. Crying now as I write this.
I know she was deeply loved and I showed her that for many years. Just feel I let her down when she needed it most but it was as someone said upthread, a difficult situation. Doesn't make the guilt easier to bear though. Am beating myself up a lot which I know is pointless but just feel terrible and miss her so much already.

so so sorry! be kind to yourself. x

Ah, I’m so sorry, OP. A cat doesn’t need to be your cat - or any animal, come to that - to feel loss and grief at its passing. Don’t feel guilty. The likelihood is that an elderly cat won’t always be served by intervention anyway, so there was probably nothing you could have done. Try to be reassured the cat isn’t in pain any longer.

It's quite natural that you feel guilty. You're suffering from bereavement, even though the cat wasn't yours you loved it. You did nothing wrong. You're obviously a kind person and helped the cat have a happy life.

The poor cat, and poor you, OP.

I know you said you’re not in a position to have a pet cat of your own, but would you consider fostering or maybe volunteering at a rescue?

Sounds like you have a lot of love to give, and that could really make a difference to all the cats out there who need it.

I'm sure her owner had taken her to the vet and ensured that everything that could be done for her was done. I doubt there was anything else you could do, she sounds like she was in charge of her life and was dirty and tired because that was a side effect of nearing the end. Rejoice that she must have loved you too to have made the trip to say goodbye to you. Remember her in her prime. Be kind if you see your neighbour, he'll be devastated too.

I just wish that last image would go from my head of her. Because there were so many lovely times that we had together which I wish was at the forefront of my mind but it's not. Just the last horrible image where she was really distressed and dirty. She was always so clean and had gleaming fur so it was heartbreaking to see her in this state.
She had so many happy and lovely years but the guilt is there weighing heavily. I know she wouldn't want that for me but hard to think that way at the moment.
I do have a lot of love to give an animal. Maybe should look into sponsoring a cat or volunteering when things have hopefully settled a bit.
I so hope she is at peace now. The last 2 mornings on the way to work a Robin has jumped out at me, I like to think it was her but probably just coincidence.
Thanks again for all the understanding. Was worried about posting but shouldn't have been.

I lost my beloved dog last year. She was old but went downhill very quickly and it nearly killed me to see her unable to keep herself clean. She became incontinent in her final days. For a dog that was always so prim and shiny looking, it was very hard to see her like that.

(Every time it got to the stage where I knew she needed to be put to sleep, she’d rally and I’d convince myself she was on the mend but then she’d deteriorate again. This cycle went on for a few days).

I try to remember the happier times, though.

Do you have a photo of the cat in happier times, @Rainfull091? Maybe looking at that when you’re upset might help?

Oh, Op, as everyone has said, you gave that cat so much love and that's an amazing thing. We also had a neighbour who very kindly shared their cat with us when we couldn't have one due to being in rented and it was just wonderful to have this little being trotting in and out. That last time the cat was obviously very ill, unfortunately that can happen and there would be nothing you could have done. Take comfort you had this lovely little friend for ten years, and remember all the happy times.

I meant to add- cats tend to appear to go downhill very quickly but often they’ve been ill for a while and have been masking it. Lots of animals like rabbits do too; it’s a defense mechanism.

It’s very likely that the cat was quite sick for a while and nobody could have noticed and, by the time that you did, it was too late. Sadly, there’s nothing you could have done.

I think I'm just tormenting myself wondering that if I had contacted the owner when the poorly eye first showed up, would she have made it?
Just worry I let her down. Feel embarrassed as I am a grown woman and have cried everyday at least once over this. The guilt is just horrible as is the sadness and missing her.

OP, presumably the owner did see the cat in that week, so it's more that likely the cat had care, but that it was older and had something wrong with it that couldn't be fixed. It doesn't sound just like an eye infection on its own (which my cat gets a lot). What you are experiencing is very common when you grieve, you relive the last days, you feel guilty- over time hopefully this will stop and you will remember the happy times you had together. Would it help to talk with someone or write out your memories? Unfortunately I don't think you can hurry grief and you probably will feel sad for a little while.

It started off with a swollen eye which then seemed to get better but then got worse again. Almost like she had some type of flu as she was struggling to clean herself and so had a dirty mouth and fur. I wish my last image of her was a happier one. I will never know if I could have done more. Somehow I am going to have to try and stop feeling guilty but not sure how.
I think family and friends just think I should get over it as she wasn't mine. They don't understand.

Sorry for your loss, losing pets is hard and while she wasn’t your own cat she clearly loved you. Would it help to process your grief and guilt if you wrote the owners a card? Maybe just say how sorry you are and that as a regular visitor she brought you joy. Cats do indeed look pretty neglected when they approach the end of their lives. My poor old girl was permanently covered in snot and gooey eyes despite vet care- she wasn’t suffering she was just ancient.

I hope you can find another feline friend in time but in the meantime be kind to yourself.

Thank you x
I may write the owner a card, just not sure if it would be welcomed.
Does help to read the replies here, somehow I have to try and think of happier times and that she received so much love and cuddles. Just really hard at the moment what with the guilt and feeling like I let her down when she needed me most.

Cats when ill do go manky, our old cat had horrible lank fur and runny eyes as well as snotty from cat flu (which he'd had for years). He was beautiful in his prime, but once over a certain age, they just lose it a bit. I like the idea of writing a card for the owners, would you feel you could do that OP?Or buy yourself some flowers and have a remember, like a little celebration of their life? It doesn't matter what others thing, he was 'your' little cat for the time he was with you (I absolutely adored the cat we 'borrowed').

Op, I've just googled the average lifespan for a cat, it's 12-14 years and some go earlier. So, given you knew this cat for 10 years, and it was possibly a few years old when you met them (or even just a kitten), they didn't do badly in the lifespan stakes. I think you are just grieving for this cat.

The cat's owner will have seen exactly what you have seen - the swollen eye, and deterioration into not being able to care for herself. I am sure they sought veterinary attention. They will likely have noticed other things as well (such as being off her food, or not wanting to go out as much). You pointing out the obvious would not have added anything, so please stop feeling guilty. As others have said, these will likely have been symptoms of the cat's decline, not the cause.

Our neighbour also loves our cat, gives her strokes and feeds her when we are away. I would imagine she would not point out any obvious health concerns, but might ask after the cat if she had seen her limping, for example.

She was with me so often that I worry she wasn't going home as much as she should. I know I need to stop this anxiety. It doesn't help but just overwhelming me right now but I know it's early days.