I work full time but have taken a day off sick and I feel really guilty about it, as though I am failing as a role model for other esp junior members of the team I work with. I feel it is laughable to even presume to think I could be a role model, maybe everyone is laughing at me. The feeling of guilt is ingrained.
I am getting lots of weird symptoms, like forgetfulness & as if I can't concentrate on anything (reported this to my GP though it takes weeks for a follow up appointment). I was at a family event a week ago and sort of collapsed, I was standing and suddenly felt faint & was nearly sick. I feel so guilty about that now, it was quite an emotional event for others & there I was grabbing all the attention.
I have had a few things to cope with recently. A very close older relative is getting frailer, just in the last months there has been a very sharp decline. They are now just a shadow of what they used to be even very recently, it feels like a slow bereavement and is very upsetting.
I have a challenging professional full time job which normally I enjoy, but I am finding it increasingly difficult to cope with it these last few months. I am trying to show I am competent, then try to work and I can't think straight, forget things I really know & make mistakes.
My adult DS has severe physical and learning disabilities. At the moment we are applying for benefits for him as he will never be able to work....have found the process unbelievably draining. Am I just being over sensitive though? We thought it was complete then out of the blue, got a letter demanding that we complete another health questionnaire within a few days or risk losing his benefit.
So we completed the questionnaire, answering dozens of questions that are hard or impossible to answer properly, like 'Can your DS work with objects at waist level?'.
(Full honest answer: as DS can't stand or walk he can't do this if the objects are at standing waist level. If they are at waist level when he is sitting he can do this. So it depends what you mean by waist level. But then again he can't 'work' with objects as his learning disabilities don't allow him to. He can't even have the objects if they are dangerous to him - knives, needles, aerosols; and otherwise he can only play with or - most likely - throw them).
So didn't know whether to explain all of that on the questionnaire or just answer 'yes' or 'no' neither of which is quite true?
As an aside - DS's condition is lifelong and due to a brain injury at birth as documented on his medical records. It will never change; yet over the years we have had to complete countless questionnaires like this one, asking the same questions over and over again, as if one day the damaged part of his brain would miraculously grow back and the answers would change. So I do question why we have to do it all over again now.....aibu in feeling like that?
My DH has serious health issues of his own and this is taking a toll on him too. I feel worn out now and just want to be left alone - but need to keep plugging away at my job which I need and want to keep in the long term but just not now. DS is home at the weekends which is lovely but his care is relentless and means we have no down time. Except now while I am off sick. If I work I feel paranoid that I am doing a poor job and my colleagues are secretly criticising me. But I know the guilt will damage me if I take off more sick time when I am not really ill.
I am really sorry this is such a long rant - am just describing how I feel. I think my perspectives are skewed, I can't make sense of anything any more and don't know if iabu to be struggling or should just be taking it all in my stride and stop the self pity. There is absolutely nobody to talk to irl, it wouldn't be fair to inflict this on my DH as he is in the same situation. So I have no way of correcting my perspectives - can you please help me get them back?