To get really fed up of the “in my day we did… and you turned out fine”

[InvisibleDisability]

I’m getting really fed up of the whole “we know best because this is how we did it 30 years ago” approach.

We’re currently living with my in laws as we’re mid-house extension and renovation. We have 2 young kids: 5 yr old and a 9 month old. I’m trying so so hard to keep up with the demands of MIL on the cleanliness of the house (our cleaner comes here once a week) but I’m finding it utterly exhausting. I’m being pulled in a million directions it seems : needing to go to house every day to speak to builders, need to play with both my children (they won’t let them just “be”), need to do my bit of cooking (we take it in turns to cook for all of us), need to make sure the bits of the house we use is kept tidy and clean, need to keep up with the sheer volume of laundry we get through and then iron it all (yes sheets too on MIL’s request 🙄). And we’re really grateful they’re letting us stay because it’s saving us having to pay thousands in rent but omg it’s driving me insane.

yesterday was the icing on the cake… my daughter (5yr old) is off school as she’s unwell with cold and cough and has temp of 40.4 but even tho my insistence is that it’s just a case of calpol, nurofen, rest and fluids and it’ll pass in her case they keep going on about how I need to get “something” for her 🙄 I said no you can’t give cough syrups to under 6s, no she doesn’t need antibiotics, no I don’t want to put her head over boiling water thank you very much. But yet I’m still peddled with the “but that’s how we did it in our day and you turned out fine” (referring to my husband) 😡

The argument of “we did it and we turned out fine” is nothing more than a load of bollocks.

It’s survivor bias. There’s lots of people who did “it” and their kids didn’t turn out fine, but you don’t hear from them because they’re dead.

"I’m trying so so hard to keep up with the demands of MIL on the cleanliness of the house (our cleaner comes here once a week) but I’m finding it utterly exhausting."

In fairness, an extra 4 people in your house is a lot, and I would also expect the adults to do their bit to keep it clean.

"I’m being pulled in a million directions it seems : needing to go to house every day to speak to builders"

Why do you need to do this? If someone needs to, why isn't your husband going half the time?

"need to play with both my children (they won’t let them just “be”)"

Surely one is at school and the other too young to care? What do you usually do with them?

"need to do my bit of cooking (we take it in turns to cook for all of us)"

This is fair enough.

"need to make sure the bits of the house we use is kept tidy and clean"

This is fair enough

"need to keep up with the sheer volume of laundry we get through"

This is fair enough

and then iron it all (yes sheets too on MIL’s request

Tell her you don't usually.

It sounds stressful and it can't be easy not living in your own home OR having 4 extra people living with you.

But surely most of the things listed (cleaning, cooking) you do anyway?

Am I really cynical to think it's often more often those who messed their kids up that come out with that line?

I'd probably say something like "I appreciate the advice MIL, but things have changed a lot since your day. I'd much rather follow current NHS guidelines on treating illness in children".

As for ironing sheets - could you purchase a set of your own sheets while staying there, if you haven't brought any from your own house? That way you can decide whether your sheets are ironed or not.

Tell her she can gtf re sheet ironing. Who in their right mind irons sheets.

I think there's a lot going on which makes things seem worse. For all the medical advice: "thank you, we'll carry on as we are thank you"

Ironing sheets - meh. Whose sheets? If MIL wants to sleep in ironed sheets that's on her. Are you doing their ironing as well as your own? Don't iron yours or your DCs and ironing one set of sheets is a small price to pay to be living with someone else for ages. Likewise sharing the cooking and keeping things tidy.

But - playing with the DCs and visiting the builders and cleaning/tidying? Your DH is doing that too, right?

I couldn't live in anyone else's home so... I can imagine how stressful that is. I can't stand a dirty/messy house, it stresses me out. Childrens toys don't bother me and get put away on an evening. So couldnt have anyone stay with me. The keeping the house clean and cooking etc sounds normal to me. I don't iron my sheets but if I was using someone else's sheets I would probably do as they asked.
Is your husband helping with any of this?
Also your MILs tips re your poorly child is she's probably worried and just wants to help her.

You do get fed up with people going on about the old days as if they were so wonderful. I'm elderly with a good memory and there was plenty that was not good in every decade.

On FB there are groups for the 1950s/60s where people say how great everything was. I have been told off - even accused of being rude - when I've detailed how everything wasn't always marvellous. :-)

I hope you don't have to live there for too long.

It will pass, hang on in there op!

DH said this to our 12 year old yesterday “at your age I used to get up every Saturday and Sunday at 5am and go market trading to earn my keep!”

I had to say, “DH what happened to you was wrong and unnecessary. I’m sorry you had to work so hard just to survive. Lets not use that as a gold standard of parenting, it was pretty shitty.”

it’s like a lightbulb went off. Instead of fighting him I felt sorry for him. He looked a bit bewildered but I think he finally saw that the old way isn’t always the best way.

You have to like it or lump it unfortunately OP.
You're in their house, you need to play by their rules but stand your ground where your children are concerned.

How long are you there for? Could you afford an air b and b?

Fashions in child-rearing come and go. They most assuredly did do things differently when bringing your OH up; but that does not mean that you should. The role of mothers and MILs is to zip the lip, stand back and marvel at the latest new "fad"!

It can be a challenge! I must admit that when I see my DD endlessly negotiating with a 3 year old as to why she should or should not do something, I dream of the "old days" when a hint of obedience was the norm! But I zip the lip!!!

Oh I get this from a guy only a bit older than me who doesn't have kids of his own. It's all 'my mother would do this/that/the other and we all turned out fine'. Except they didn't! One brother was a raging alcoholic misogynistic pig, the other a taker and user, and this guy, who is the best of the lot but not someone I'd want raising my kids. None of them married (the guy I know does have a partner), none had kids.

It sounds as if you’d be better renting your own place. I feel for your in laws having 4 more people living in their house-for how long? A couple of weeks is ok but it must be quite stressful for them having you live with them and obviously you do things very differently. In your circumstances, I would put up and shut up-certainly don’t tell her to gtf! Who would do that to someone doing you a big favour!