to think there is chance of pregnancy

[SadKiwi]

DH and I recently went for fertility testing and have been told that there is zero chance of conceiving. DH is not interested in exploring other options (this would have to involve donors) and I'm devastated. I can't help but feel like it might still happen as you always hear stories of people who thought they would never conceive finding out they are pregnant – is this completely unreasonable and just giving myself misplaced false hope? I just feel so crushed and sad thinking that there is no chance, but know that it's probably not healthy and I should just try to come to terms with it. I've even considered continuing to take the pregnancy supplements just in case. I've been looking at speaking with someone but all the infertility counsellors I find seem to deal with counselling people who are looking at exploring other options / treatments, rather than coming to terms with being child-free.

Donor sperm or donor eggs?
Does he say why he won’t explore other options?
I guess it depends on the reason for the infertility but if it’s something
like missing vas deferens (as in our case)
then it would be pretty impossible to conceive naturally as ICSI was needed, it still didn’t stop me having hope each month though.

sorry op, it’s so difficult. I’m not sure my marriage would have survived had DH not been happy to go ahead with fertility treatment, and plenty don’t.

I hope you are able to find some counselling
you can connect with others who may be able to help you find counselling on
fertilitynetworkuk.org/life-without-children/

@YoureSuchADramaLlama thanks for your message and sharing your experience. It would be donor sperm in our case and it's just not something that DH is comfortable with. He did ask if I wanted to split up and I don't – but I just feel so unbearably crushed by this. I'm already 38 and had really envisioned our life with children and every time I think about all the things I will miss out on I crumble. We live very far away from family (so only see nieces and nephews once a year at most) and I don't have any other children who are a part of my life in any meaningful way. Thank you for sending the link – I think I need to look into counselling today.

I don't think you are unreasonable, most of us would feel sad if we were diagnosed as infertile. I have known some people who were.

Grieve for a while but do not let yourself be defined by childlessness, there is more to you than that. You can have a fulfilling and worthwhile life without having children. There are compensations. Explore the options, there's a big world out there.

I don't blame your husband for not wanting to consider other options, such as donors.

@YoureSuchADramaLlama well I just had a call with someone from the link you sent and unfortunately it didn't go so well 😞The woman I spoke to barely let me get a word in edgeways and just kept telling me that DH would come around to exploring options and she's sure we'd be able to have a child of our own despite the medical issues – tbh it just made me feel worse... She did however point me in the direction of some other qualified counsellors who I have reached out to – so hopefully that yields something more promising. Thanks again for replying to my post

@LBFseBrom Thank you ❤ This is what DH is also saying... and I know it's true. I just wish I had children that I were close to whose lives I could play a meaningful role in. We live in a different country our families so I only see nieces and nephews once a year at most (and there is a massive time difference so even calls are hard) and I don't have a close social circle here. I think it will probably just take time to come to terms with it – and it doesn't help that my sister is about to have her fourth baby next month. I'm not actually sure how I'm going to deal with Christmas... my dad has a terrible habit of talking about how being a parent is the most amazing thing you can do with your life and everything else is insignificant compared to the miracle of birth. So that will be fun...

I don't blame DH for not wanting to explore other options with donors at all as I know that would be an almost impossible situation for him to come to terms with and it just wouldn't work for us. I just wish that he would get the further tests done so that we could be 100% certain that there is no chance for us, but he seems to think he already knows the answer. It's his body though and I have to respect that..

You could quietly and calmly tell your dad how difficult you find it when he extols the joys of parenthood, or else your husband could. He probably doesn't realise the effect of his words. People are tactless.

What you do for a living is quite important, it's good to have a job that stretches you and gives satisfaction. Also there are hobbies and voluntary work that is useful. You meet new people too.

My parents couldn't have children (I am adopted), and my mother spent going on nineteen years of married life without kids, doing nothing; didn't go to work or engage much with anyone outside of her family. What a waste!

That won't happen to you.