Buying Christmas gifts for family and in laws is going to be unaffordable

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Aibu not to buy family and in laws gifts? I usually love picking out gifts but tbh have never got much in return anyway so surely this year is a good year to say no gifts? Even just a fiver each will be a lot of money we have not got. By family I mean my mother, stepfather and my siblings and similar on dh's side. We are the only ones with kids, our siblings do not have kids and we do not have any nieces and nephews.

I have been saving to buy our two Dc presents, they won't go without but we aren't going mad with their presents.

our mortgage has just been renewed and will be costing us £200 extra a month, energy bills and cost of food as we all know is crappy for everyone. I'm currently not working as DS has sen and has complex needs and he has been particularly struggling with severe anxiety for the last 12 months or so , I had to stop working as it wasn't working well between my own MH and my sons needs, I hit rock bottom myself. Dh earns just about enough to cover everything with not very much left at the end of the month. We do get some extra help such as DLA for DS and I get carers allowance.

car has just gone wrong and we've had to lay out for that, we have house repairs to find the money for etc etc - this morning we discovered we have a leak in the roof - wonderful. We have some serious mould issues.

buying gifts for family would potentially put us into financial hardship. Not sure how we are even going to afford the increase in mortgage.

it seems crap to buy family some tat they probably won't appreciate just for the sake of buying something, right? When I can't even afford a pair of shoes for myself.

our families aren't struggling as much as us. Our siblings are not struggling as living at home for free or earning enough to cover everything. In laws are mortgage free and have been on 5 foreign holidays this year.

Whereas we are just in a crappy situation right now.

if you were are relatives would you understand if we couldn't afford gifts?

They will understand. One of my grown children has had to do the same this year. No one's surprised and those of us in a better position financially have made sure they can afford the essentials (and a few luxury's) this Christmas. It's what being family is all about, looking after each other x

Haven’t bought for anyone other than DD and 1 secret Santa gift for over 10 years. It’s absolute BLISS.

I have been to my mums on Christmas Day before loaded with gifts to give out to my family, then family were exchanging gifts and I've been the only one with nothing to open , no one has really bought me anything for years as my parents have bought for dc instead, so I'm going to try not to worry about it too much! I did tell my mum about 6 weeks ago but whether she took in what I was saying I don't know!

sounds amazing. I think sometimes we buy for the sake of it and sometimes gifts end up being regifted anyway.

My plan this year is dc of course

my daughters friend - they exchange gifts every year and can't really stop it now.

I don't usually bother with teachers gifts at Christmas (we always do cards) but this year I have bought something small for someone who's been particularly wonderful with DS this year!

myself and the few friends I have, have never really bothered, we all seem to have this mutual understanding that we are all skint and there's no point buying each other tat and our kids have enough already and don't need anything else.

and that's about it

me and dh stopped buying for each other about 3 years ago!

Fgs just stop it

Stressful and unessary.

Just send everyone a WhatsApp message saying you can’t/won’t be doing Christmas presents (depending what you feel comfortable saying, I know some people don’t like discussing finances). And mention no one should feel obliged to get you presents as you’re not doing them (if you would feel uncomfortable with people getting you/the children presents when you’re not be firm, if you wouldn’t feel uncomfortable just be gentle). Then it doesn’t matter if they weren’t listening/didn’t take it in!

It’s really normal/common though and as you’re not altogether you don’t have another choice like secret Santa, so don’t worry about not being able to buy presents. I’m sure no one will mind.

Me and my husband only buy for our son, we moved abroad a few years ago and life is so much better. No cards to send out, no presents to buy, no expectations and worrying about where we'll go for Christmas day. If I want a present I'll buy it and my husband will put it away until Christmas day. We often just have a take away or something for Christmas Dinner. Present buying is nice but it does become really worrisome when you can't afford them. The best Christmas you can give yourself is one where you've taken the weight of your shoulders and stopped the present buying.

I think this year is an ideal year to knock it on the head. Easy to say rising bills/ increased mortgage etc.

We have finally managed to extract ourselves from the present buying on DHs side - 2 siblings plus partners plus 4 (now adult) nieces and nephews. And that wasn't because we couldn't afford it but more that we rarely see them (although do around Christmas) due to distance. The nieces/nephews have all left home and live elsewhere in the country and I suspect earn more than we do.
We've all agreed it's just good to spend time together and there's no need for the stress of trying to buy suitable gifts or food gifts that none of us need. DH originated the conversation though - spurred on by me telling him if he wished to continue then he was 100% responsible for the buying.

Of course. Christmas isn't about gifts. My sister has big family (in laws plus sisters in law with partners, kids etc.) and they do Secret Santa. Maybe this would be an option for next year?

I think it's a fine idea... Might have left it a little late for this year tho (I've done most of my shopping now). If you're families aren't early shoppers then it should be fine.

I do agree with the previous poster about only buying for children. Being childfree, depending on who suggested it, it can come across as "we don't want to buy for you but still expect you to buy for our DCs" which can leave a bad taste.

They sound awful. Text them saying you won’t be buying presents so they can’t deny you said it.

Just tell them now. We haven't don't adult presents for years, we do a secret Santa for adults who are actually at the table on Christmas Day with a budget of £75. Could you do something similar, with a budget to suit?

Oh given your update I wouldn't even bother telling anyone except your mum and mil (although see you've told your mum already)- it's cheeky of your siblings to have never got you anything back ever and if they are all adults and you won't even be seeing them on Christmas itself I wouldn't bother making a big announcement.

They'd have to have some brass balls to specifically ask you why you've not got them anything and you've got the perfect answer "because you've never bought for me!"

Yes it's a tough one. When me and dh first got together (10 years + ago) they were mainly all pre teens or teenagers (apart from 1) and we bought for them. We then had a few years where some were late teens and some adults but now all adults so I need to stop it now really as like I said we don't get much in return. Sometimes dh's sister will buy us stuff but she's not in the country at the mo anyway and won't be before Christmas.

I do generally have a strained relationship with my family too - in laws are much easier to deal with. I just worry I will offend someone and I hate confrontation. Once my mum caused a fall out because an elderly relative had bought my then young DS a gift which was lovely but she did not buy my 20 year old brother something and it was unfair in my mothers eyes. It wasn't a direct relative either, more like a cousin so she wasn't obliged to buy anything for anyone at all!

Yeah this a worry but I did tell my mother 6 weeks ago, but I'm concerned that she wasn't listening - this often happens. I told her to tell my siblings too, I don't even have my brothers phone number.

I have been nagging dh to tell his family. They will be in various places this Christmas anyway and I even think the in laws are going away themselves so hopefully won't be a problem. Mil tends to be a Christmas Eve shopper anyway 😅

the only person I will feel really guilty about js my grandmother, she is very generous but at the same time never expects anything in return, but I do like to buy her somejting. But there will be a fall out if I buy for grandma and not my mum!

I feel like my own replies on this post has side tracked a bit to family issues rather than what my original op was intended for but family issues do play a part in it. Reluctant to spend money on people who don't appreciate it!

Op other option is to only buy a token gesture for the siblings (if any) you'll see on Christmas Day.
And a token gesture I mean a tub of sweets / box of chocolates nothing more than a fiver.

Actually second thoughts just don't buy them anything esp if they don't normally buy for you.

They are adults they can't ask where's my present without sounding like Dudley.

Although I'd maybe have something (chocs / sweets) from your DC for the one who might give your child.

it would be stupid to buy gifts you can't afford only to fall into debt after. surely they'll understand the hardships you're currently facing and you can make up for it when times are better. enjoy your christmas, you don't need to splurge or buy gifts for you to have a joyful holiday.