AIBU to have expected my aunt to step up?

[Canthave2manycats]

My mum died far too young 16 years ago, in her very early 60s. We'd also lost our dad 5 months before, suddenly and unexpectedly, literally 9 days after mum's cancer diagnosis.

My aunt was 10 years older, from my grandfather's 1st marriage. Her mother died and he married my granny, my aunt's stepmum, and had 2 more children, making 5. My aunt was close to granny - funnily enough they actually looked alike even though they weren't related by blood.

My mum and her sister always were very close, although in all honesty, it was mostly mum putting herself out for aunt. She always felt that her sister had half-reared her. She put so much thought into gifts, and supported sister and family so many times, while sister gave extremely practical 'gifts' like teabags and washing up liquid!!!! Sister admired a piece of furniture one time and mum just gave it to her.

The support continued when aunt's DH was suffering depression and mum and dad basically babysat him during the day while aunt worked. Mum and dad also helped out with their grandchildren. They got birthday presents, Christmas presents, money when they went on holidays, invited on Christmas evening and for the year's best bash, on New Year's Day. They minded them when childcare didn't work out.

Things changed the minute my mum passed away. Aunt had been giving my children £10 each in cards for Christmas, but it never happened again - mum die a month before Christmas. She had already bought gifts for one of my cousin's children, which they got. We were no longer invited to family occasions, although my mother had included her sister and family in every family occasion we had, including when she was awarded an MBE.

I used to visit aunt and uncle at home but after her DH died, aunt sold her home and moved into sheltered accommodation. It was made very clear that we were not to visit her there as it was small. Since then, we've all had to ask a cousin if we can see their mum, and they have to host it in their house.

My mother would so have been there to support them 100% had the situation been reversed! Aunt is 89 but in very good health.

Have two aunts left on my father's side - one his only sister still alive at 92. We were never close growing up but she was so welcoming when I recently called to see her. My other aunt is the widow (of more than 30 years) of my father's brother, and she is actually closer to us than anyone else.

Has this been anyone else's experience?

I think that your mum was the connection in your relationship to your Aunt. Sometimes that just happens this way and no one is the bad guy.

@Canthave2manycats

But what is your AIBU?
It's in AIBU not chat nor elderly parents thread

Your title says AIBU to expect my Aunt to step up? Step up to what?
Your relqntionshio changed slightly when your mother died, as she was no longer the one who hosted, but you carried on visiting her until she moved to a small sheltered flat. I am struggling to see what the AIBU is or the stepping up you expected. It's clear that your mum and her sister , this aunt, are different characters.

Sorry you lost your parents young, I lost both mine at 65 (2years apart) so feel your pain.
Your aunt may just have been linked directly to your mum, so has dropped off the planet now.
Family can be awful, my mum died before her dad, so he changed his will so me and my brother got her share of his will when he died a few years after my mum. My mum's (crooked and arsehole) brother was, at grandads funeral no less, trying to argue with his other siblings that me and my brother should be taken out of the will because we will inherit from my mum once my step dad died! Thankfully he wasn't executor and the actual executor told him to do one and made it very fair.... and my cousin found out and said to him 'uncle arse so if you die before the will is completed, your children won't get your share either than what!?' ... that shut him up!

Maybe it hurt too much

i know some elderly relatives who didn’t want anyone to visit their home when they got older and various medical conditions. My parents think that there may have been things like a commode or incontinence pads (or not keeping up with housework) that they were embarrassed for other people to see. I’m not saying this is the case for your aunt, but it is a possibility.

So, after your mum died-did you start hosting your and aunt family at yours?

Yabu to expect a tenner of your childrens she's 89 she's moved in to shelter accomdation especially with the raising costs. Sounds likes shes not close to you but was close to her sister.

I'm sorry for your loss.

But from what you've written your Daunt was early 70s when your DM died. She may well have been devastated by it and I noticed from around mid 70s my DPs changed so that I am now the one effectively caring for them sort of - it's slightly hard to describe but they've become more self focused than outward focused, which I guess is natural as you get older.

My mum died when I was 17, she was from a huge family...more than 10 siblings. None of them did anything for me....now they complain i'm not family focused.

you can make people do things....it's your aunts loss. People will see what she's done and make their own conclusions

You've said it was mostly your mum putting herself out for your aunt so it sadly might just be your aunt really didn't want a relationship or given she was early 70's it maybe was all just too much for her. I think given the sheltered housing request not to visit says she really just wants to be left alone, no matter how hard it is for you. Blood doesn't make a family, maybe you should move on from this.

Your aunt was in her 70s when your mum died, 16 years ago, and she stopped giving your children money at the same time?

I don't think many children get gifts from Great Aunts and if you no longer visited or invited her to yours then the relationship will have broken down. Why should she feel obliged to give to children she doesn't see or hear about.
She possibly only gave gifts because your mum gave to her grandchildren.

Yabu because of all of the above reasons.

What everyone else has said. What did you want her to step up to exactly?

What exactly do you expect from her?

Your mum died 16 years ago and your aunt stopped putting money in cards for your children back then, who are now presumably adults?

I don't know any great Aunts who send cards let alone money.

step up where? She lost her sister and carried on living her own life. NO, I don't think she was required to "step up" anywhere!

From the sound of it she lost her mum and stepmum early, stepped up then and helped raise her siblings, then had a tough time with her husband's mental health - who she has also now lost - and has her own children and grandchildren to focus on.

I'm confused at the sheltered accompanying being so small you can't visit? I'm never seen any s.a that doesn't have space for at least one other person, how else would carers/home help access it? Or why you can't host her?

Sorry you lost your mum, this is one of the unfortunate ways family changes after bereavement. I dont think your aunt has failed to step up though.

If your aunt took on caring duties very young, I can see why she'd want to reduce the amount she did as she got older. She will have grieved for your mum, then subconsciously simplified her life by focussing on her own DC.

As you get older, your capacity for attention and interest in the ever growing generations beneath you diminishes.

YABU. Relationships change and it sounds like your aunt had a close relationship with your mum, but not with you.