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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel guilt for not wanting a 2nd child?

22 replies

Bobcatbobby · 15/11/2022 19:18

I am one and done, I've known that since before DD was born. For various reasons.

However now she is a toddler I am constantly asked when I'm having a second and getting pitying looks when I say we wont be. I've been told she won't have anyone to play with, how she needs a sibling for when DH and I are old etc. It makes me feel really guilty, like I'm condemning her to a life of loneliness.

Should I feel guilty? Did anyone stop at one and go on to regret it?

OP posts:
NCFT0922 · 15/11/2022 19:20

You shouldn’t feel guilty if that’s your choice.

I don’t have 1 but I do have 2 cousins who stopped at 1, both for financial reasons like many, and both really regretted it.

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/11/2022 19:21

Tell them to sod off and mind their own business. Then find better friends and relatives. Seriously.

I find it absolutely astonishing that people involve themselves in other people's reproductive choices like this.

No OP you shouldn't feel guilty. You are entitled to have a smaller family for reasons that are no-one's business but yours without being cross-examined on it.

wonderingwhatsnext · 15/11/2022 19:21

Sounds like one is the perfect number for you, nothing unreasonable about that. YABU to give a shit what anyone else thinks.

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/11/2022 19:22

Oh and for the record I stopped at one and have never regretted it for a second. I have an 11 year old DD who is happy, healthy and who I can afford to spend money on. Why in the world would I regret that?

JuliaJekyll · 15/11/2022 19:22

Following as I feel the same. I would have wanted a large family with several children. Mental and physical health during and post first child has meant that will not be possible / would be incredibly risky.

Original poster
Bobcatbobby · 15/11/2022 19:23

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/11/2022 19:22

Oh and for the record I stopped at one and have never regretted it for a second. I have an 11 year old DD who is happy, healthy and who I can afford to spend money on. Why in the world would I regret that?

This post made me smile! I'm glad you are happy.

OP posts:
Flapjackquack · 15/11/2022 19:24

I have one and have zero regrets. I am very happy with my decision. I am quite upfront about it so don’t get asked too much about number 2. There was a thread on here recently where people talked about all the great things that come with just having one, I’ll see if I can find it.

iamloading · 15/11/2022 19:25

One and done here. He's 5 now and not a single regret. We have loads of friends and live in an area where children constantly knock on the door wanting to play with her. When it all gets to hectic I Chuck them out and we have lovely peaceful one on one time together. It's perfect for our family.

Elliania · 15/11/2022 19:25

I'm an only child and it was very rare during my childhood that I wished I had a sibling. Now I'm an adult I wonder what it would be like but I can't say I feel like I'm missing out at all. Especially hearing so many of my close friends complain about their siblings.

TimeForFika · 15/11/2022 19:26

Don't feel guilty, your DD is lucky to have a doting Mum who is making the right decisions for her family. No one else has all the information or has to actually birth and raise a second DC that they're casually suggesting, you do, it's your call.

pumpkinelvis · 15/11/2022 19:28

Just tell them you hit the jackpot when you had your dc. You don't need anymore

MassiveSalad22 · 15/11/2022 19:28

70% saying YABU to feel guilt 😵‍💫😵‍💫

Surprising, or your voting options are confusing!!

Montague22 · 15/11/2022 19:31

I have two close together who are best friends. Very easy to plan days out and they entertain each other. Then a gap before I had my third. I arrange lots of days out with her friends so she has company. Halloween and bonfire night I bought an extra child along. So if you stick to one you might find you need to find company for them.

If I imagine one I can see how my own life would be fuller, and how spoilt they’d be. So many less sleepless nights, less strain on your body.

There are pros and cons but I definitely think there are advantages to just one.

Flapjackquack · 15/11/2022 19:32

@MassiveSalad22 - oh I said YANBU but I meant Op shouldn’t feel guilty… oops I think they are a bit confusing

karalimed · 15/11/2022 19:33

I'm an only child.

It had some good points, but very lonely and boring at times. I had to look after both of my parents by myself in my 20s and now I'm 30 they are both dead.

I see friends of mine having lots of shared memories with their siblings, someone that always has their backs (of course not a guarantee, but all the siblings I know seem to have a good relationship). I have none of that.

It is what it is, but I will have 0 kids or 2 if I can help it.

Pseudonymminymie · 15/11/2022 19:33

I have one DS, now 21, and no regrets. I had always thought I'd have two or three DC but hadn't factored in the appalling pregnancy. I too remember the questions, and even worse when I said I wasn't having more, the comments that I'd change my mind. Do remember DC become increasingly expensive as they get older, and having one meant we could help him out much more eg. with driving lessons etc. He's very well adjusted and I don't think he's suffered. Incidentally, I have a sibling I barely see.. Do what's right for you.

RedToothBrush · 15/11/2022 19:34

I LOVE just having one.

I have moments of wobble when I wonder. Then I think thank goodness I can ENJOY quality time with him without feeling torn. I can focus on him and make sure he's happy.

He's a joy though we are going through a difficult patch at school atm, and tbh its made me even more glad he's an only.

He can do the after school stuff he wants without having to run round after someone else. He's got lots of friends.

Holidays abroad are easier and cheaper. Our quality of life is better.

Hugasauras · 15/11/2022 19:37

There's a long thread running about this in Parenting right now.

Personally I think it matters very little and it's all just luck anyway. Some siblings get on great, some don't, some people are good parents to one but would struggle with more, some only children grow up to be entitled, selfish adults and just as many children with siblings grow up the same way.

I was a very happy only, DH had three siblings and was a happy child, we have two. Families come in all shapes and sizes. We almost stopped at one and I imagine that if we had we would still have a very happy little girl and be a happy family.

swirlypinky · 15/11/2022 19:38

I have one. I don't wish to explain my reasons or thoughts to anyone

It's nobody's business

There are about 5/6 onlies in my childs
Class at school

They all seem well rounded. Happy

Original poster
Bobcatbobby · 15/11/2022 19:54

Thank you @Flapjackquack I will give that a read!

Apologies for the voting being confusing I didn't really intend to enable it but I am grateful for the comments.

My DD is a sociable little thing and I do think she would make a wonderful big sister but it's just not what I (or DH) wants. We don't have a lot but we have enough for DD to hopefully have a lovely life. It just makes me feel like crap when people pull faces like we are making a huge mistake!

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 06/04/2023 14:25

We have one - he’s 23 and has a great circle of friends. Great cousins and close family and we have zero regrets! He has a fab relationship with his dad and I and those two are off their jollies this summer leaving me in peace! Good decision!

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