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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not....

10 replies

EltonJohnsSunglasses · 14/11/2022 16:54

I'll try not to make this too long...I feel like I'm too close to the situation and can't see the wood for the trees.

Strained relationship DM, fairly good relationship with DF. DM and DF have been divorced some 25 years. Very amicable and been best of friends since. Both have remained single and have continued to spend every Christmas day together,

Have one younger DSis. We have not seen each other in 3 years and have had minimal contact in this time. This is due to her behaviour towards me in the past and some unforgivable things she has said to me, She is very reliant on my DP's, both financially and emotionally. This has always been the case.

DP's generally take turns with spending Christmas day alternately with me and DSis. There have been two times in the past 2 years when they were supposed to come to me but dropped me quite last minute to spend it at my Dsis's
instead. This year it has been arranged for both DM and DF to come to me on Christmas day. DM has now asked that I allow my DSis and her two sons to come to. I said I wasn't happy to do this given our very strained relationship and the fact we haven't seen each other for 3 years.

Then came the emotional blackmail by my DM. My DF has a life limiting illness which means he has between 1-3 years left depending on how successful treatment is. DM told me I should invite Dsis for xmas as 'it may be your dad's last Christmas'. I am disgusted she used this line as DF would never dream of doing this. For the record, Christmas does not mean much to him and he generally goes with the flow and whatever is easiest.

The thought of having to have Dsis here is filling me with dread. What I be a completely awful person to put my foot down and say no?

OP posts:
ohforthelife · 14/11/2022 16:56

Put your foot down. It makes no difference how long your dad has left, they can spend Christmas Eve or Boxing Day with her!

ny20005 · 14/11/2022 16:59

Of course not ! I'm assuming your dsis has no one else & is guilt tripping your parents into spending Christmas with her & kids ?

It's your Christmas & if it's not going to bother your dad, see parents another day over the festivities

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 14/11/2022 17:00

Tell them they are free to spend Christmas with DSis or with you but not both. Stay firm. It won't be the Hallmark deathbed reconciliation they're imagining, it'll be a strained atmosphere that may or may not break out into arguing, with shitty remarks made and everyone feeling in a worse state than the year Christmas was mostly cancelled.

Kite22 · 14/11/2022 17:00

Of course not. If you don't get on, then you don't need to spend Christmas with her.
I wouldn't get into big discussions - just say you aren't inviting your sis, but the invitation for either DM or DF or both is there is they want it, or if they don't, that is fine also, but can they let you know by X date as you need to do the shopping order.

EltonJohnsSunglasses · 14/11/2022 17:11

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 14/11/2022 17:00

Tell them they are free to spend Christmas with DSis or with you but not both. Stay firm. It won't be the Hallmark deathbed reconciliation they're imagining, it'll be a strained atmosphere that may or may not break out into arguing, with shitty remarks made and everyone feeling in a worse state than the year Christmas was mostly cancelled.

I think you've hit the nail on the head here. My DM I think has this notion that forcing us to spend the day together will force us to reconcile. Which is not going to happen. The hurt has been too much and is still raw. Apart from the fact that DH's parents and sister are also supposed to be coming and I do not want to subject them to the inevitable awkwardness and potential fireworks.

OP posts:
ICanHideButICantRun · 14/11/2022 17:13

I'd tell your mum that she's welcome to spend Christmas Day with your sister. If your sister is the only adult in her household then it would be nice for her to spend Christmas Day with her parents. No way would I have her in my house, though.

EltonJohnsSunglasses · 14/11/2022 17:16

ICanHideButICantRun · 14/11/2022 17:13

I'd tell your mum that she's welcome to spend Christmas Day with your sister. If your sister is the only adult in her household then it would be nice for her to spend Christmas Day with her parents. No way would I have her in my house, though.

Yes, I am going to suggest a compromise of my DM spending Christmas day with DSis and my DF with me and they can swap for Boxing Day.

OP posts:
MrsDoyle351 · 14/11/2022 17:30

What’s she done that’s so awful?

I'm thinking that after 3 years it might be time to build some bridges.

I’m sorry your Dad is unwell.

EltonJohnsSunglasses · 14/11/2022 17:39

MrsDoyle351 · 14/11/2022 17:30

What’s she done that’s so awful?

I'm thinking that after 3 years it might be time to build some bridges.

I’m sorry your Dad is unwell.

It is an accumulation of behaviour over the years that I am no longer willing to accept. And a lot of hurtful things she has said.

I have tried a few times to build bridges. She didn't even acknowledge the birth of my youngest last year. I invited her to my DC's christening in the summer and she didn't even reply.

OP posts:
MrsDoyle351 · 14/11/2022 17:53

Im sorry- that sounds very difficult. At least you’ve tried.

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