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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He followed a stripper in a local area...

25 replies

Namehangerj · 14/11/2022 13:18

Hey all. DH has been weird over the past few days... distant, less loving. He told me he was feeling low due to work and I've been supporting gently from the side, not too pushy..telling him he is an amazing man and father etc. I'll be honest my instincts have been alerting me there's more to it, but I've been trying to ignore that and not make it about me.
Anyway today I noticed he has followed a stripper's personal account on Instagram. I've challenged him as to why and he is saying it means nothing, how can I do this to him when he is feeling low etc. I'm bothered as there has been an obvious drop in his affection towards me lately and he is working away at nights. It seems to make sense that he's been to a strip club and met her there...
I've told him I deserve better and am honestly thinking of walking. I get a man needs his space, but he shouldn't have to fill the void with other women. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Namehangerj · 14/11/2022 13:59

Anyone please?

OP posts:
mycatisannoying · 14/11/2022 14:44

My ex husband behaved similarly before embarking on an affair.
It sounds like he has checked out of your relationship, either mentally, physically or emotionally. I'm really sorry to say that, OP SadFlowers
Relationship counselling or it's over would be my approach.
He needs to take some personal responsibility here.

OP83 · 14/11/2022 14:50

I'll give a male perspective (even though it's putting myself in the firing line).

I'm sorry to hear about a drop in affection, I've suffered this and it's horrible. The chances are it's not you (or another woman) that has caused this although this can't be discounted altogether.

Following a stripper is very bizarre behaviour though particularly if he knows you'll see his Instagram account. It screams of attention-seeking and insecurity to me. Everyone has an opinion on strip clubs (and none are more 'right' than others). I've been to a couple on Stag-do's etc but would never venture to one unless is was part of a 'thing' as I find them a little uncomfortable. To actually follow a stripper knowing you'll see it though, could be a cry for attention.

None of this is excusing his behaviour, men look at attractive women, women look at attractive men...that's normal. What's not normal is to flaunt photos of a, presumably attractive, woman when you are going through a bad patch with your wife...that's disrespectful and grim.

It's definitely something you are within your rights to confront him about. The chances of him having an affair (at least with this stripper) are minimal though. Lust? Possibly. Infatuation? Maybe, but he'll just be a customer to her and her Instagram will be purely for self-promotion.

I'd normally refrain from commenting on these topics because men typically get flamed whenever strippers etc. are brought up but you seemed like you were struggling with this and getting no replies so I wanted to add anything I could.

Wishing you all the best.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/11/2022 14:50

I think his reaction is awful. He has done something that has upset you and would upset most people. Yet he is asking how you could do this to him? Do what, be upset by his sleazy actions? Not on and sounds like a classic case of deflection

luxxlisbon · 14/11/2022 14:51

Both sides of this show it’s already not a good relationship, him following someone like this and you looking through his Instagram activity. In normal healthy relationships neither of these things happen.

pinkbag · 14/11/2022 14:54

God I thought you meant physically followed her.

I think it needs a more than Frank discussion about the fact you’ll walk. His reaction is pretty appalling

Original poster
Namehangerj · 14/11/2022 15:21

@OP83 thank you so much for coming back to me. Would you mind explaining further about it being a cry for help/insecurity? I have noticed a tendency in the past that when he is going through a low patch or withdraws he tends to follow a couple of Instagram models. He never does this when he is in a good frame if mind. I've thought in the past he may be deep down quite insecure but hes never expressed this openly .. just some of his other behaviours would suggest so. Why would being insecure may him follow other women like that?
I do feel very confused as literally yesterday he was telling me he was lucky to have and and that I'm an amazing wife. Today this, makes me feel like I'm not enough for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namehangerj · 14/11/2022 15:23

@pinkbag sorry I should have made the title clearer. Earlier I messaged him a screenshot and told him I deserved better and he can do one..

Not replied to his calls or messages since as I'm too emotional. But hes not said sorry yet, hes telling me I'm being mental and how can I do this to him while hes feeling bad..

OP posts:
MetellaInHortoEst · 14/11/2022 15:26

Anyway today I noticed he has followed a stripper's personal account on Instagram. I've challenged him as to why and he is saying it means nothing, how can I do this to him when he is feeling low etc. I'm bothered as there has been an obvious drop in his affection towards me lately and he is working away at nights. It seems to make sense that he's been to a strip club and met her there...

He is being seriously manipulative.

Maybe he has met her. Maybe he wants to. Maybe he is just acting out. But pretending not to understand your justifiable concern is extremely shady. That would be the biggest red flag of all to me.

MetellaInHortoEst · 14/11/2022 15:28

But hes not said sorry yet, hes telling me I'm being mental and how can I do this to him while hes feeling bad..

”Gaslighting” gets overused now but that is a prime example. He’s twisting your head on purpose for his own benefit. That’s abusive.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/11/2022 15:30

He's up to no good and gaslighting the hell out of you.

Original poster
Namehangerj · 14/11/2022 15:32

@MetellaInHortoEst my friend said she thought he was gas lighting... he keeps sending messages asking how I can be doing this to him when I know hes down.. how can HE not see how doing that hurts me, makes me feel like he doesnt love/want/respect me. If he loved me would he feel the need to sought out these women?

OP posts:
OnABreeze · 14/11/2022 15:36

OP83 · 14/11/2022 14:50

I'll give a male perspective (even though it's putting myself in the firing line).

I'm sorry to hear about a drop in affection, I've suffered this and it's horrible. The chances are it's not you (or another woman) that has caused this although this can't be discounted altogether.

Following a stripper is very bizarre behaviour though particularly if he knows you'll see his Instagram account. It screams of attention-seeking and insecurity to me. Everyone has an opinion on strip clubs (and none are more 'right' than others). I've been to a couple on Stag-do's etc but would never venture to one unless is was part of a 'thing' as I find them a little uncomfortable. To actually follow a stripper knowing you'll see it though, could be a cry for attention.

None of this is excusing his behaviour, men look at attractive women, women look at attractive men...that's normal. What's not normal is to flaunt photos of a, presumably attractive, woman when you are going through a bad patch with your wife...that's disrespectful and grim.

It's definitely something you are within your rights to confront him about. The chances of him having an affair (at least with this stripper) are minimal though. Lust? Possibly. Infatuation? Maybe, but he'll just be a customer to her and her Instagram will be purely for self-promotion.

I'd normally refrain from commenting on these topics because men typically get flamed whenever strippers etc. are brought up but you seemed like you were struggling with this and getting no replies so I wanted to add anything I could.

Wishing you all the best.

I wish men didn't get flamed on here as you could actually give a comment from a different perspective. Such as yours!

Even though I'm not the OP thanks for contributing to the post and I hope you feel
More comfortable commenting on posts going forward!

MetellaInHortoEst · 14/11/2022 15:39

Namehangerj · 14/11/2022 15:32

@MetellaInHortoEst my friend said she thought he was gas lighting... he keeps sending messages asking how I can be doing this to him when I know hes down.. how can HE not see how doing that hurts me, makes me feel like he doesnt love/want/respect me. If he loved me would he feel the need to sought out these women?

Your friend sounds quite insightful. He sounds bizarre.

Bollocks2that · 14/11/2022 16:03

Agree with you @OnABreeze It was nice to see @OP83 coming through there with a male's perspective.

OP you're onto him now.
He knows this, hence the gaslighting.
What a prick though, acting like a horny teenager. I know we don't know if he's done anything else but it doesn't fill you with confidence does it?

Bollocks2that · 14/11/2022 16:05

Namehangerj · 14/11/2022 15:32

@MetellaInHortoEst my friend said she thought he was gas lighting... he keeps sending messages asking how I can be doing this to him when I know hes down.. how can HE not see how doing that hurts me, makes me feel like he doesnt love/want/respect me. If he loved me would he feel the need to sought out these women?

Sorry - did I miss something. It's he who is down?
What about you?
Where do your feelings come into it?

Original poster
Namehangerj · 14/11/2022 16:45

@Bollocks2that yes he has been down recently due to work issues. He actually just sent me a text blaming my contraceptive method for my reaction and says I should lay off it...

OP posts:
Bollocks2that · 14/11/2022 16:55

Namehangerj · 14/11/2022 16:45

@Bollocks2that yes he has been down recently due to work issues. He actually just sent me a text blaming my contraceptive method for my reaction and says I should lay off it...

Words fail me. Gaslighting again.
So your contraceptive or you at fault. Not him. Shifting the spot light away from him, blame you instead.

MetellaInHortoEst · 14/11/2022 17:04

Namehangerj · 14/11/2022 16:45

@Bollocks2that yes he has been down recently due to work issues. He actually just sent me a text blaming my contraceptive method for my reaction and says I should lay off it...

Oh right so now you don’t like him following a stripper because you’re hormonal? What a sly bastard.

Original poster
Namehangerj · 14/11/2022 17:47

How do I respond? I've not spoken to him yet, I'm ignoring his calls. I genuinely don't know what to say.

OP posts:
MetellaInHortoEst · 14/11/2022 18:00

Tell him you don’t want to be married to any man who has contact of any kind with sec workers of any description. That is your reasonable boundary.

MetellaInHortoEst · 14/11/2022 18:01

Sex workers, I mean. My autocorrect is so prudish.

1FootInTheRave · 14/11/2022 18:16

I would walk.

Bollocks2that · 14/11/2022 18:24

I think it's the combination of the seedy stripper and the fact that he's acted as other posters put it, in a shady way, trying to gloss over this.

I'd definitely let him sweat a bit. You don't have to answer his calls or say anything to him. You do right not to answer. Silence is golden

MetellaInHortoEst · 14/11/2022 18:39

1FootInTheRave · 14/11/2022 18:16

I would walk.

Yes, I’d be making plans certainly. Not necessarily announcing them to him just yet.

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