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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not want to go to my counselling anymore?

9 replies

pixiella · 30/01/2008 11:47

i've been having counselling at my doctors surgery (6 sessions on NHS) after i asked to be referred by my doctor when i was finding it hard to move on after my miscarriage and i just wanted to talk to someone about the pain i was feeling as i felt i couldn't talk to my friends/family, and due to dp having issues of his own, his feelings are usually the focus of all our chats (although we're working on this and it's going really well now).

up until the last few sessions I've felt really good about being able to let out all the thoughts in my head and really just babble to someone who just listens...

but recently she's started telling me what she thinks i should be doing with my life and making suggestions and assumptions about my relationship with my dp which i do not think are relevant or appropriate at all.

i've only got two sessions left (infact im supposed to be there right now! LOL)
i just feel it's a waste of my time and i'm starting a job next week too so wouldn't be able to go at this time anyway....

i wish i could afford a private counsellor as a longer term thing...grrr.

do you think im being weak for 'giving up' counselling? i feel guilty for some reason...

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 30/01/2008 11:50

She shouldn't be telling you what to do .

Out of curiosity (of course you don't have to tell if you don't want to), what kind irrelevant/inappropriate assumptions is she making about your relationship with your DP?

pixiella · 30/01/2008 12:06

yeah i know, my mums a counsellor (am i spelling that right?) and she also is involved with alot of training and she told me that a counsellor should never put their opinions on to you or give you 'advice' - that's not their role.

well, i told her about a few arguments/episodes that happened recently of him getting too emotional/uptight over small things (he thought he had ruined my birthday just cos i was a little miffed at him for 5 mins and therefore got upset with himself) and he ended up punching a hole through a wall...

and i've also mentioned that he has counselling aswell for other issues (not related to the miscarriage) and that in the past i havn't had much of a chance to talk to him about my feelings and stuff when im down because 'it's all about him' and i supported him very much emotionally.

we're working through that and it's got a LOT more balanced now which is fantastic - he leans more on his counsellor to let out all his ramblings etc instead of me, and because he's feeling mentally better in himself he picks up on my lows and when im feeling upset and really gives me the support that i need.

so she's took the small amount of info that i gave her on our relationship which is only a tiny glimpse of what things are like with us IYSWIM... and she said

"you've found your baby....he's your baby, you're looking after him just like a mother would, putting all her emotional needs aside.."

i found that really odd because maybe that would be true if he behaved like that and i responded in that way ALL the time but it's only occasionally when he gets like that - and i have to support him. I call that being there for your partner, loving them unconditionally and keeping a cool head in an upsetting situation because it's not going to make it any better if you fly off the handle aswell. And I have always reacted in that way even before i suffered the miscarriage.

She's just trying to link it to me losing the baby..and I think that's really odd.

(I had a miscarriage in april btw)

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 30/01/2008 12:14

That sounds EITHER as if she's jumping to conclusions awfully quickly with insufficient information to judge OR she's purposefully overstating the position in order to ensure that you think hard about it.

Why don't you start the next session off by saying, very calmly: I thought about what you said [quote] very hard, but actually, our relationship is a lot more balanced than that because xxx. And give lots of reasoned examples of how your relationship with your DP has evolved favourably.

And see how she reacts?

Lcy · 30/01/2008 12:32

That is really not a counsellors role! Instead of dropping out of the sessions would you be able to go to the next one and explain how you are feeling - perhaps that you found the first sessions useful but explain why you feel uncomfortable now. Part of my job involves me working with people therapeutically and although i hope i would never behave like this - i do encourage and apprecitate feedback from my clients.

You are not weak for giving up counselling.
If you dont want to see her any more it is probably better to explain why and cancel the sessions so someone else can be seen. Good luck

Lcy · 30/01/2008 12:34

Whoops - just read Anna's post and realised we have given the same advice - atleast we are consistent

beaniesteve · 30/01/2008 13:22

Actually she should be asking you to try and talk about what you think you should do. I have no idea what she's 'telling you to do' but I would imagine it's come from whatever you have said in the sessions.

Are you sure you're not just a bit annoyed because you know she's giving you some good advice?

pixiella · 30/01/2008 13:41

beaniesteve - maybe i am slightly annoyed because i know what she's saying is what i feel everyone else thinks i should be doing....and that's something which i feel insecure about at the moment, and i especially don't need my counsellor of all people reaffirming it...if you know what i mean.

i can just about handle my friends/family asking me the 'what are you going to do with your life?' question all the time - although it really stresses me out...but i think going to therapy should be a sanctuary where you're not judged or questioned - you can just talk about your feelings.

the thing was, i did art and design (specialising in photography and film) at college and i said to her that i loved doing it but i don't necessarily want to do it as a career because i don't know if i want to be involved in the whole commercial industry - plus i don't want to live in london (nevermind i couldn't afford to!)

i said i didn't want to spend 3 years of my life and tens of thousands of pounds on a BA Hons degree at uni in a specific subject like film or photography - without knowing for damn sure that i want to dedicate my life to that career path.

and then a few sessions later (after i explained the plot of a short film i had made to her) she said she thought i sounded very talented and that i should do a 3 or 4 year degree to 'play around creatively' and when i said i was thinking about doing a few short courses (2months long or whatever) in 'art direction for film' 'fashion photography' and 'interior design' (also really interested in doing that as a career)
At some of the big art schools in london (central saint martins, lcf etc) to get a feel for a) london b) the industry c) the subjects i am interested and most importantly get some contacts and some work experience so i can see whether i would really enjoy working in the industry or not.

because in the fashion/film industry it's definately a case of WHO you know, and you don't need a degree to network and get experience in london, you just need to promote yourself and get your work seen and meet the right people.

ANYWAY, i digress.....basically she told me she thinks i should do something which is a total contradiction to what i said i would like to do....when i said i wanted to do a few different courses that were only weeks or months long she scrunched up her face into a 'really??, no...' face - know what i mean?

she's not my bloody careers advisor she's my therapist lol

im annoyed that im feeling pressuresand judgements from her that i feel in other parts of my life...and i don't think i should be, considering she's a counsellor and they are in no way supposed to give advice.

thanks lcy - i will say something or next time she says something like that i'll say - no i don't think that's correct.

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 30/01/2008 13:48

She sounds like she's going way beyond her remit. I don't like the sound of her at all.

"Playing around creatively for three or four years". Please.

pixiella · 30/01/2008 13:51

lol exactly! i don't need to pay £3000 a year plus accomadation, travel and food just to 'play around creatively' !

anyway gotta go watch neighbours lol.

OP posts:
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