Is this how people genuinely treat promises?

[MolliciousIntent]

Noticed this a few times on TV and in books recently and it's made me twitch.

Person X makes person Y a promise.
Person X keeps the promise, and in doing so their life starts going to shit. Instead of either just breaking the promise, or going to Y and telling them they need to break the promise, X continues to keep the promise while everything around them falls apart.

Is this just a book thing or do people actually treat promises like this in real life?

If I make someone a promise and it starts to negatively impact me, I don't tend to blindly keep the promise regardless, I tend to assess whether it's realistic for me to keep it and then talk to the person in question. But a lot of people seem to view promises as absolutely sacrosanct.

YANBU - this "promises are sacred" thing is a narrative tool to create shenanigans, in real life people break promises if keeping them is fucking things up
YABU - I would never break a promise no matter how much it fucked me over, you nasty woman.

It's unreasonable to make a promise in the first place if you know at the time you might have to break it, or if keeping it will affect you adversely. Sometimes promises are made too easily.

if you have made a promise in good faith with every expectation that you can keep it: and then unexpected circumstances arise and keeping the promise is impossible without causing damage or loss to yourself, it is reasonable to break the promise as long as you are honest with the individual concerned.

It depends how much shit we are talking? As a rule, I do not break promises. I am very measured though and would not make one that I could not deliver. I do not think I would ever make one that could lead to the whole life falling apart scenario you are talking about. I would be more likely to promise that I would try my best to deliver whatever.

What kind of promise would make someones whole life fall apart?

Is there really any need to promise to do things, it seems a bit childish, adults understand that circumstances can change. I always do my best to do what I say I will but if it’s not possible, I explain.

It sounds like a plot device to me.

I think the worst one is parents to children "promise me you won't put me in a home"

Can you give an example OP?

You promise to never tell anyone that the child they're raising was one you found in the woods and 20 years later every full moon someone is eaten. Yeah I'd tell but it's a plot device.

This.

In real life, people do not let their lives fall apart just because they've told someone they'll do something. But that wouldn't make a good film/book.

Exactly - OP, how many films would also end after the first scene if people just straightened out misunderstandings at the time like any reasonable person would do?

“Oh no Sarah, Julie is my sister not my unrequited love, and that is why I’m spending a lot of time hanging around with her and her daughter, not because I’m cheating on you”

“No, you misheard me, I said let’s take a break in Vegas, not take a snake to Vegas, why would we do that, it would create chaos if it escaped”.

Personally I don't promise long term things. I only promise to do my best at stuff which to me is all any reasonable minded person can ask for.

Surely depends on the promise. People may feel under pressure to keep long term / death bed promises. Like “don’t put me in a home” “take care of your sibling (even though they are xxx)”

Ah yes more likely scenarios.

Promising to never put a sibling with disabilities into a home. So you accommodate him but the amount of support he needs means the kids get less and your relationship is strained. You refuse to consider options because you promised Mom. Eventually DP leaves and the kids are shared custody. You also keep having to take tien off work until you lose your job. You don't get maintenance and realise you can no longer afford to maintain a 4 bed house so you sell and get a smaller one in the next town over, the teenagers hate it and move in with Dad full time because they feel unimportant to you. You're not able to offer adequate support and means your siblings behaviour is escalating. You increasingly rely on alcohol to get through the days until one day sibling hurts you, you end up in hospital, SS step in and remove him. So now you're just a functional alcoholic who's lost all their family.

Still more likely to be a plot device (she ends up in hospital where she falls in love with the handsome Dr who she dated for 3 months when she was 15)

Narrative device.

I'll tell you another one, but it may ruin all detective shows for you once you've learned it, so look away now.

Murderers in TV dramas aren't allowed to lie about whether they committed the murder. If they look the detective in the eye and say "I know I hated him, I know it looks bad, but I swear I didn't kill him." then they definitely didn't kill him.

The real murderer will avoid the question, and it never occurs to the detective to just sit the entire cast down and say "did you kill him?" and arrest whoever gives an evasive non-answer instead of saying "no".

"Jamie, I'm busy spending all my life at work so you can live in this fancy ass house, which means I can't get you this action figure till next week - and stop bloody sulking" - and so ends Jingle All the Way, wrapped up in two minutes, and less painful for everyone.

I thought that was what the end scene was? Where they sit everyone down and explain the plot?

There are always a few fakeouts where the suspicious-but-innocent ne’er do well stepson is accused but protests they didn’t do it, and the detective then unmasks the real killer.

If the actual murderer could just deny it convincingly and throw the blame back into the stepson, instead of admitting everything and explaining their cunning plan in detail, the detective would probably just move on to the next suspect down the list.