To feel like I'm living in a pressure cooker?

[Kittenmitten22]

I'll try and cut a very long story short here...

Basically, my mum lived far away for a long time and was looking to change her situation and move back as she didn't feel she could retire where she was. Me and my DH have a great relationship with her and having just started running a super busy business from home and having a baby on the way (our second child), we said she could move in with us for a bit and help out with the kids.

All started very well, and with my mum actively looking for a car with a view of then getting a job. But things started to strain a little as we realised just how little privacy we now get. 5 of us living in a small flat, starting to get a bit much.

Again, long story short, it's just getting worse and has now been over 2 years, no job searches, refuses to use her car, so rarely leaves the house, hasn't seen any of her friends since moving back either. We work from home and our working area is in the middle of the house, so it's like we are taking my mum and our youngest to work with us everyday. Imagine taking your mum and kids to work every day? Can't talk about stuff just the 2 of us, have to hide in our bedroom in our own house.

We had a chat with her about it and she's got her name on the council housing list, and seemed to hear us about privacy for a while, but then back to normal. My DH isn't coping well with it at all and we are now starting to fall out over it. Our 6 year old, who has his own behavioural issues, barely get's along with her, so that's a strain too as it feels like we have 3 kids, trying to put fires out left right and centre.

The trouble is she is super hard to talk to, to express how we feel. She get's super offended really easily about little things. So I'm really struggling. If she was out, living her own life, or we had somewhere else to work then it wouldn't be so bad. We told her to live her life and not to worry about what we are doing, but even going to the shop, she'll wait till one of us is going and join in. It's like she's completely losing her independence.

I know I'll likely get people saying 'but she's your mum' etc, and honestly I know, I feel super guilty every single day cause I love her a lot, but I struggle to live with her and that feels terrible. I just don't know what to do. need somewhere to vent really so thank you if you've gotten this far!

If she’s going to get offended anyway you’re just going to have to bite the bullet and say, mum we can’t go on like this, you need to find a new place to live before the baby comes\other suitable but not too far away deadline. Then be firm.

Easier said than done I know, but better in the long run than just carrying on like this.

You need to be rude, she’s taking the piss. It seems like she never had any intention of getting a job and is quite happy letting you do everything. I’d be embarrassed to be taking up room in a house that’s clearly that small!! How old is she?

You need to take your husbands side, he is living with his MIL in a crowded flat and no privacy! I’d be furious if my husband put us in that situation and I’d have issued an ultimatum long before this. Of course it’s putting strain on your marriage. Put your big girl pants on and tell her it’s time to leave. She needs to find a job and a flat? What does she live on, does she have income/a pension? Was she abroad before?

I’ve just seen your child struggles with her too. Jeez you need to evict her. Put your family- your husband and child first and stop being walked over. I mean that nicely- but seriously how did you let it get to this!

You need to face this head on. Stop suggesting. She's going to get offended anyway so tell her that she needs to move out because the situation isn't working anymore. It's time.

I don't understand how you have let this get this far. This arrangement is not working out. She has to go. I realise it might not seem simple to you right now, but it really is in the sense that she cannot stay, so she has to go. You just need to steel yourself and make it happen.

How old is your mum, has she reached retirement age? Does she have any income or savings which would enable her to move into rented retirement accommodation? It sounds an impossible situation - even the constant accompanying to the shops would drive me mad - "oh, I'll come too" when you're just longing for a bit of respite. It does sound like loss of confidence to some extent, but if you can get her out of her comfort zone, she might cope ok. Sometimes it takes a kindly push.