To be sad that the interest in DC isn't reciprocated?

[Ocadoavocado]

I'm meeting a close family member tonight for meal and drinks.

We meet every couple of months for a nice catch up.

CFM is a source of great comfort and friendship to me and has been for 30 odd years.

But every single time we go out I ask of her DCs' well-being and news and I get thoroughly filled in.

She rarely asks of my DC, and if she does she shows minimal interest to the very brief update I give. (Very brief is a strategy of mine, because of being so hurt in the past by her lack of interest).

One meet up recently I realised she'd talked for nearly 20 mins about one of her DC's new jobs (I wasn't timing - it was evident from the meet up time and the beeps on Radio 4 which was in the the cafe we were in).

My DC had a majorly significant life event
about the same sort of time: we covered that on less than a minute before she shifted the conversation back to her DC.

AIBU to be sad about this?

Anyone dealt with similar?

Many people are selfish and only like talking about themselves.

She sounds completely self-absorbed. I wouldn't say she's a real friend.
I can't imagine not caring about my friends' children! Our children are all still young but I can't imagine the interest ever disappearing, even when they will be adults.

It’s sad but most people don’t care about kids that aren’t their own.

However, most people also know it’s polite to ask and listen even when you don’t give a shit.

Most people I know are like this actually including my own family.

once you notice this, you kind of can’t not notice it forever with everyone you talk to.
I wish that I hadn’t noticed it, it’s made me feel awkward and irritated by people who I should be close to.

Acceptance that genuinely, people just do not give a flying fuck about me or my kids. Relationships are purely surface only. That’s it.
So embracing that philosophy, coffee, cake and a surface chat is the extent of it.
It’s a shame.

It really hurts, but yes. My friend had dc much later than me and was never interested in mine. I thought that once she had hers it would jolt her into a polite interest. Nope. My ds is disabled and she didn't even ask about him following a really big op. Hers had tonsillitis recently and I didn't hear the end of it. It has really made me see her in a different light if I'm honest.

Sadly some people are absolutely hopeless at social interaction and it sounds like your family member is one of them. I would be irritated by this rather than hurt by it - I'm sure it's not personal.

I had a friend like this at university. I adored her and would have described us as being very close, but after a few years I realised I could be anyone to her- I was just someone who would sit and listen to her, she was incredibly self absorbed and never showed any real interest in me. She’d repeat things she’d told me (I know everyone can do this sometimes- but it would like- a really stressful situation that she’d come round and talked about for hours and I’d invested hours in listening and giving advice on, only to have her say ‘oh god did I tell you such and such happened….?’ a week later, like she hadn’t remembered it at all.) It’s not you OP, don’t feel down, but I would consider taking a bit of a step back from her.

I wouldn’t really feel like meeting up with her!

Does she ask questions about how you are and listen to the answers?

Like most people I really don’t give a shit about anyone’s kids but I’m always polite enough to ask, and to commit things to memory (their names, ages, etc.).

My family is like this. You hear nonstop about them and their stuff and get nothing back.

I know a few people like this.

One has very poor social skills and I suspect this is as a result of childhood trauma. They are kind and would be devastated if they thought they had hurt my feelings but they can not communicate properly. I can tell when I am speaking to them that they are thinking of what they will say next. I don't let it hurt me because I see it as a communication disability. I feel sorry for them that they don't have the same listening and questioning skills that most other people do.

Another very close friend will literally pick up her phone or start talking to someone else whenever any of our group starts talking about our children. But she doesn't have children and I can see why she would find our chat boring.

If you feel like this is an unconditional kind of close relationship then you should gently challenge her the next time you see her by telling her how her lack of interest makes you feel.

for you OP.
Is your child ok after their big life event?

Absolutely agree with this.

Everyone has just got too much going on in their own lives to care about yours in any way.

Learn to enjoy the coffee, cake and superficial chat. Anything deeper/more meaningful is expecting far too much of people nowadays (perhaps it was ever thus?)

This is so bizarre. Of course I "give a shit" about the children of my closest friends and family! To not care about their children is like not caring about them. Your parent friends come as a package.

Of course you don't need to talk about the children endlessly when you are together but to claim not to care about their children is just odd. So that may be your attitude but I wouldn't round it up to "most people".

I wouldn't say that was most people, more like some people... lots of people care about their friends' and relations' children, I know I do and it's not a massive effort to remember vital stats about them either.

I have a CFM who also does this sort of thing, whenever I mention either my child or DSis's two, CFM counters with something about her eldest grandchild, kid of her eldest dc, both of whom are Golden Child/grandchild. It's quite clear that neither my kid nor my sister's kids can measure up in any way to GGC. You say X did well with their project, CFM will reminisce about projects done by GGC and not comment on how well X did. Her social skills are awful and communication skills dire, so I don't expect sparkling repartee. (BTW GGC is a nice person, it's not his fault he is Favoured Grandchild so I don't mention any of this when I meet up with him.)

All you can do is nod along, eat cake and try not to think bitter thoughts. I manage two of these...

You are on an adults-only meet up. Keep the kid talk to a minimum, it's boring.

My family are exactly the same. I share news in a family WhatsApp group and it gets overlooked most of the time. Then my brother starts prattling on about himself and others do the same. It's a very weird group as nobody seems to have a conversation it's more like a mind dump of what's happening in their lives at any given point.
They're all as self absorbed as each other.
If I was a psychiatrist I'd find it fascinating.

I’ve been carrying out an experiment over the last six months; whenever I see friends I ask them about their life and family and do general chat eg the weather/what’s on tv etc. I’ve made a point of never ever mentioning anything personal about me or my family, what I am doing any problems/success’ I have had.

It’s actually quite sad how rarely anyone asks me about myself. I met a friend today for two hours and she spent most of that time talking about herself. She didn’t ask me a single question about what I was up too.

This.

Just don't ask about her child. There are so many other things to talk about.

In agreement

I think people like that do not want to hear how well other people might be doing. They are terrified of being eaten up with envy.

How silly. If you ‘make a point’ of never mentioning anything to do with your own life, work, health, thoughts etc, and always ask them about theirs at every encounter, it’s perfectly possible they think you don’t want to talk about your own stuff and are respecting your decision. I don’t always want to discuss ‘my’ stuff, especially if something is difficult and/or unresolved. My closest friends wait for me to bring it up.

But these are adult children?

I don't like some of my friends' friends. Or their colleagues. Or partners. Or any other random adults in their life.

I'm interested in them, their personality and their interests, things going on in their lives, what books they've read, what's on the news, what's the work gossip. I'm not going to be much more than superficially interested in another adult, unless they want to talk about them for a particular reason.

What do you never say to friends:-
hows work going?
what are your DC’s up to?
have you got any holidays planned?
what are you doing for Christmas?

Sounds like you are one of those people who just like to talk about themselves but pretend you are respecting their decision.