To be struggling so much with no family

[wakeboarding]

I grew up in a lone parent household. I did have regular contact with my dad, up until my late teens. Since then I have chosen not to have any contact with him for my own mental health.

My childhood with my mum was generally happy, and she really did her best for us with the resources she had. But recently, looking back and in therapy, I have realised that she was (and is) emotionally unavailable - because of the issues she was dealing with herself. She also pretty much isolated herself and had no real relationships with any of her relatives. Therefore I now don't have any aunts, cousins, uncles, grandparents etc. No Christmas gatherings with family or family birthday celebrations. I mean they do exist, but I had very little contact with them growing up and now I have none, not for many years. I honestly wonder if they would recognise me if I walked past them in the street.

I'm assuming this is not "normal"? I hear friends talking about family members and close relationships with their cousins and days out shopping or spending time together. Meanwhile it feels I have nobody, not even parents to some degree. I don't know how to get beyond it and be ok that this is my reality.

I am in a similar position (except I am married to a lovely man). Only child, no relatives really but the few we did have my mother drove away with her constant arguments.

I struggle the most when things like the car breaks down and I’ve no one to call or something great happens and I can’t throw a party because we’ve no one to invite.

do you have siblings??

It's really difficult. Perhaps as an adult you can reassess some of the relationships, especially in light of some of your mother's isolation and emotional issues. Her decisions around family don't have to be yours but sometimes parents can make your choice about who your see about loyalty. If you had other family in your life though, it wouldn't mean you loved her any less.

I was in a cafe yesterday looking at a little girl and feeling sad because I thought that if she was my niece (she couldn't be as her parents were there) I wouldn't know to recognise her. Her mother has never allowed me or my mother any contact. I've only met her once and my mum not for two years, but we love her dearly, she's our family and we can't pretend otherwise. We just hope when she's an adult herself that she finds us. Her mum is making that very difficult, but she has cousins, a grandma, aunty and uncle, great aunties, great uncles, a huge happy, loving and stable family all waiting for her. We don't know why her mother doesn't want her to have that, it's very sad. Your situation may be very different but perhaps you could explore with support. You have to decide whether rejection is worse than not knowing. Hope you find some peace with it.

I think lots of people don’t see a lot of family and those who do things are often fraught. We spend time with friends over family and in a crisis I’d call friend. I think lots of people don’t see extended family. Nothing dysfunctional for me just distance and life. I used to bump into my cousin occasionally when we lived in same town years ago but not seen them for 20 years? Don’t think I’d recognise them or them me. We have long dead grandparents in common that’s it.

"Therefore I now don't have any aunts, cousins, uncles, grandparents etc. No Christmas gatherings with family or family birthday celebrations."

Not just you! No cutting contact, just a very small family. I had 2 parents, but one had a sibling who died young, the other had a sibling who emigrated and wasn't close... grandparents died before I was born. I do have a sibling, and there were more distant family members that we met occasionally, but you're certainly not the only one without much close family.

(I do have a husband and children now.)

You are definitely not alone.

Family aren't all that. Just because they are related by blood or marriage doesn't mean they are good for you. There must have been a reason why your mother did what she did.

Fwiw I don't encourage or facilitate any meet ups or contact between my husband's family and my children. If they decide to when they are older then fine. But for now, I don't. Dh's family used to gaslight me ..it was very messy... dh's brother did some pedo things and was convicted when my children were very young. That's a long time ago now and I don't feel the need to bring this up again. But for good reason, dh's family are non contact in our lives.