Those of you whose parents live abroad….

[Southland02]

….because THEY’VE chosen to move abroad, how do you feel about it?

My parents are saying they’re going to be moving abroad in the new year. I know the consensus on MN is always ‘they don’t owe you anything, if they want to gk you should be happy for them’ etc but they’ve got very little money and are both getting on so who will look after them in old age etc I have no idea.

I’m also hurt and sad that they want to move away from their children and grandchildren for the sole reason that they want a bigger house?! (They’ve said that’s their reason for moving, they could afford a much bigger house in this country)

If you have parents that have chosen to move abroad,
are you okay with it? How do you move past the feelings of sadness and resentment?

It’s their choice. They don’t need to justify it to you. Would you feel you have to justify your decision to move if you had the opportunity to make more money or have a better life elsewhere in the UK or overseas?

Unless you live very close by, how often do working people with all sorts of others things going on in their lives generally see their parents anyway?

I’m on the opposite side of the situation. I moved to the US and left my mother. We see each other once a year for a couple of weeks. That’s about the same amount of time per year as when I lived in London (she doesn’t live in London). My sister lives a 5-hour drive from my mum. I think she sees her 3 or 4 times a year for a long weekend - Christmas, Easter, summer bank holiday, that sort of thing. How is that any different? How am I any less selfish for choosing to live thousands of miles away?

Be happy for them that they have a plan that pleases them.

We're a family of people who move around all over the world and it's pretty much all of us who do it. We don't judge and actually, you end up spending more quality time in bursts so it's not bad.

However they’ve got very little money and are both getting on so who will look after them in old age etc I have no idea is worrying. That's the real issue here.

Jesus. My parents move abroad when I was in my early 20s and I honestly can't tell you how to get over the "sadness and resentment" as there wasn't any. It wouldn't have even crossed my mind to think like that.

There were some AMAZING and cheap holidays though....

Mine have lived in a different country since I was in my early 20s. My mum died abroad and it was traumatic as it took me 48 hours to get there.

Problem now is my dad has run out of money and lives in a country with no state support. It's a complete mare.

Mine went as my dad was from that country so there was a reason. If it's just 'for a bigger house' I would be concerned about the money situation

Yes this.
It also added years and immeasurable quality to their lives. Dad was so much less stressed. The sun warmed mums arthritic joints. They were HAPPY. Thank goodness.

A sense of loss is normal. Talk to them about it, discuss how you can keep in touch, arrange a weekly dinner on Zoom maybe, plan to visit them. If they have a big house, they’ll be able to put you up. Maybe ask them if they’ve looked further ahead to the future, if they’ve thought about what happens if they need care etc. Wanting an adventure, something different, should be seen as exciting… it won’t be irreversible if it doesn’t work out or if their needs change in the future.

I’m sure there is more to the move than just getting a bigger house, nobody moves countries just for a house. I imagine they believe they will get better quality of life where they are going. I have lived abroad for more than half my life and it’s perfectly possible to keep a close relationship with family even if you’re not on each other’s doorstep. I couldn’t begrudge my parents spending their (perhaps) last years doing something exciting and new.

My father decided to move abroad but he makes a big effort to return frequently.

He moved just before DC1 was born and was tempted to come back after that, but I encouraged him to stay (his wife is still working and can’t do the same job here, so they’d be a bit financially fucked if they moved back)

He was however clear if my siblings or I ever needed him home, he’d be on the next flight home.

I've lived in a different country to my parents for 30 years and now my daughter is in a different one to me.

Isn't it fabulous that the world is out there and people get to follow their dreams without having to answer to others?

PS once me and my parents were in different countries I saw them far more often, and for longer than when we lived 2 hours away from each other.

My parents moved abroad 8 years ago,but sister moved to a different abroad 12 years ago. I miss them of course but I'm delighted they have done what they wanted with their lives, I would never want them to be held back by me or my sister. We text and call a lot and visit when we can.

What are they doing about healthcare?

The trouble is, it’s not been a well thought out decision. As I said, they don’t have a lot of money so I’m not sure what they’re going to do about healthcare etc.

And yes; the main reason for going IS to get a bigger house, they specifically said this. They said they want a bigger house (even though there won’t be anyone to put in it!) and they can’t afford one in the U.K. but can in Europe.

I totally get some posters don’t care if there parents move abroad, but I do. I can’t help it. I don’t have any other family here so I would literally be on my own, aside from DH and I just feel sad.

I love them very much but also couldn’t handle spending large amounts of time with them in short bursts. Our relationship is good now because when we see each other It’s for a normal amount of time, they pop over for a few hours and vice versa. We went on holiday together for a week a few years ago and shared a villa and we were ready to kill each other by the end. Yet usually we get on okay, but it was just too intense and any irritating habits that are normally easy to overlook became magnified. There’s no way I could have them staying with me for long periods multiple times a year or go and stay with them for long periods etc which is what the set up will be if they decide to go.

How are they overcoming the visa /income requirements for European countries which depending where they are going can be quite significant? Unless of course they have a qualifying passport.

Doesn't sound like they have thought this through and understand all the financial implications.

It's mil who moved abroad. What will happen when she gets old was never discussed and like some other major things I guess she has presumed a plan but not discussed it with anyone.

We have a credit card if she was to get suddenly ill. Moving back to the UK over the years is now impossible, unless she could move in with another friend or relative. That's the main concern. She couldn't offord to live here anymore.

Yes dh and me felt sad that she didn't see the kids grow up but it's done now.

My parents haven't moved abroad but I just wanted to say that it's OK to have feelings about it. It is a big change to you aswell especially if you want to facilitate a relationship with the grandchildren.

I think YABU because you are only thinking about yourself and not what would make your parents happy, the reason for their move is neither here nor there, it is their life and their decision and I think you should be more supportive, and less selfish.

Just as an aside. If they don't have much money or are employable is it even possible to move into Europe now? (Post brexit)

I had no resentment just sadness. Yes you want them to live their lives but it is sad for me that being around us is not something very high up their priority list. You can't make that so though so it is what it is. Some people might see their parents a lot after they've moved. For us, health and funds prevent that. As a result, relationships with GC are very distant. Tech is better than nothing but a million miles away from bring in the room. I think you have to separate out your feelings of sadness from your concern that your parents are doing something which will not end well for them. You can't really protect them from themselves and if this is badly thought through then ultimately they may end up back home in a tiny place.

Mine did when I started Uni! I don’t really care. Never had them as child care as didn’t have kids til 30’s. And wouldn’t let them look after a gerbil TBH.l let alone my kids.

What does annoy me is the expectation that we go to them all the time. School holidays are expensive and I don’t want to spend all my holidays going to their house in a cold part of France, in the arse end of nowhere, which nothing for the kids to do. It’s MUCH easier for them to come to us - but mum ‘doesn’t like England’ so doesn’t like to. Then they huff when we never go 🙄

Unless they have EU nationality , it's going to be tricky/ nigh impossible to just move from UK to Europe easily. You have to prove you have means to support yourself etc ....It's no picnic post Brexit (and I live abroad but have got another EU nationality)

This. I’d love to retire in the EU but had come to the conclusion that it was impossible. Unless at least one of you has a EU passport of course.

Yes, they have dual nationality/ EU passports.

I know o sound selfish. It’s hard because the part of the U.K. we live in, is very family orientated and all my friends and people around me have their family living near by, are close to their family etc and all I’ve got since I’ve told people is sympathetic looks and ‘ I don’t know what I’d do without my mum’ type comments which just jarr even more.

I don’t actually think they would be happier where they’re planning on going, you can’t run from your problems, they follow you wherever you go. They’ll also know no one and be far away from their child, grandchildren and friends, zero suppprt network and they seem to think we’ll be over visiting them multiple times a year….not going to happen, we spelled that out to them yesterday.

They sound bonkers. Which country do they have in mind? Do they speak the local language? Is their visa sorted? Do they have friends there?
Some people make it sound as if moving abroad is so easy, and starting a new life in another country is like changing your outfit. I’m an immigrant myself and it is not that simple. Much easier when you are young but at an older age it must be a palaver!
And how much bigger a house do they need? 5 bedrooms instead of 4? It’s a joke, right?

My parents don't live abroad, but I like to think I would have been okay with it, and I'm an only child.

Parents don't have to run their lives around their children's wants. They do their bit raising their family, after that it is their turn to do their own thing.

Mine did this - they moved to Australia where my sister had emigrated. It was a disaster - they burned bridges with the wider family back home when they left and they've not managed to integrate where they've landed. My sister has left them to their own devices, as she said she would. And they don't get on but won't divorce and my mother has turned to alcohol.

Initially I was really sad they had left but they've become so dysfunctional I'm lucky they did leave.

If it's not well thought out OP there's not much you can do - just let them get on with it. Don't try to pick up the pieces just build your own life and do your own thing.