Backed Out of Holiday with In-Laws

[Arsenal123]

My in-laws are very dependent upon my wife for their social and emotional needs. They suggested we go away for a couple of weeks AI for their 50th Bdays. I initially said I would after DW and MiL kept on about it and agreed we could all have our own space etc.

MiL asked which of the destinations I'd prefer and I said for her to choose a few but then show me the options if she didn't mind. She asked if I wanted her to book for me and I said no I'd rather book myself so I can check everything and handle the finances (neither a borrower nor a lender be).

Anyway she went and booked the 4 of us on a holiday without showing me first and asked me to send the money (2 separate rooms next door). She was surprised when I was annoyed despite previously agreeing that I would book for myself and DW. She then backtracked saying that it was to lock in a good deal and that it was just a deposit of £30 PP and that it could be cancelled.

Wife and I had not been getting on recently which was causing so much stress. So I decided I wasn't going to go on the holiday as bickering between ourselves around my via biased ILs would be a nightmare. I offered to pay the deposits and cancel.

It turns out she had put a £1000 down and it was non-refundable! Though she was too proud to tell me this after being offended at my backing out.

My reason for wanting to book myself is that I don't travel well and I am extremely tall so it's worth it for me to buy extra legroom. I also needed to ensure the flight times work for me as travelling halfway across the world home and then going back to work makes me feel worse than if I'd not gone on holiday at all. We may have also cut the holiday short by a few days.

Additional context: My FiL has been somewhat rude in the past and moody if we've spent time together (judgemental comments about our house - hates coming over - starts tending to the plants - won't take coat off or sit down and have a drink etc). Their way is always right apparently.

I think the problem is MiL secretly wanted to pay for DW without letting me know which would have been fine if she was open about it. I know my wife's personal finances are tight. She earns more than me but spends a lot more of her income so she definitely would not have the funds for a holiday (I've had to help her recently with money but that's now sorted). I wouldn't have expected this but it's all gone awry.

I would tell your dw to go and you stay home.

Well, that is a hot mess of a bowl of spaghetti.

I don’t blame you for not wanting to go on this holiday. Two weeks leave on a hol you would enjoy is too much.

Why were you doing the arrangements and conversations with MIL rather than your DW?

Honestly you should have said no in the first place.

Or if going negotiated your terms in part with your DW, so that she was saying you would both do your own bookings.

But the issues are wider. Your DW is way more locked into socialising with her parents than many would be when the parents are only 50. How is this going to pan out over your life together?

And her attitude to money isn’t ‘team marriage’ either.

Do you get your own say on anything?

Ultimately your MIL took a gamble when she paid out money when you told her you would book. So that is her responsibility.

But I don’t think this is likely to improve your marriage.

Do you want your marriage to survive? Straight talking with your DW.

That's what's happening now. Though the ILs are not speaking to me. They've got a distant relative to come and share room with DW.

I've invited them round for Xmas lunch - they've declined but said I can join them and DW at theirs Xmas Day ...

@SuperCamp I agree with everything that you have said.

The agreement was that I booked for myself and DW but MiL had other plans.

This is all very odd. Do you live with your partner or does she live with her parents? Are you very invested in this relationship because her relationship with her parents could be a deal breaker. I think it maybe time to end it or consider relationship counselling if you want it to work?

Oh I see wife. The Christmas dinner comment made me think that she lived with her parents. Did you and your wife not discuss Christmas day plans together first?

If you're not getting on so well with your DW if may be better if you don't go as it'll likely be more stress you don't need. Stay home and have some think time, maybe take your wife away for some alone time and some time to reflect on what you both want in the future.
Your ILs sound controlling and likely make your marriage suffer more

Your very first sentence shows where this is coming from. The in-laws believe their family unit consists of them and your wife. She goes along with it.
Never in a million years could I have spent two weeks of my precious annual leave on a holiday with my in-laws on their terms, whatever the financial arrangements.

It sounds like they are desperate for you both or at least your DW to go and wanted to make sure you could afford it with them willing to pay.

You at least would have had separate rooms so I would have just sucked it up and gone - assuming you have enough holiday time

Your wife still seems to think her primary family is her parents - this holiday mess and then you 'being invited' to their Xmas with DW! Unbelievable. I would have something to say about that tbh.

Probably best you don't go on the holiday. But I would be looking at some relationship counselling.

What ages are you? I am assuming still fairly young if they are turning 50 - sounds like they see your DW as still part of their family as someone else said.

This is what it sounded like to me as well. DW would benefit from some counselling, I think.

They are only 50 with plenty of money; so NOT some aged decrepit pensioners needing patient support and understanding.

Your DW is probably late 20 to 30 ish; far too young to have to devote her life to supporting feeble elderly parents, ahead of her husband and marriage.

MIL has lied and deceived twice. Over a holiday. Not a life and death issue.
To top it all, she has elbowed you out of Christmas day with your wife.

Frankly; your marriage and future with DW are on the line; right at theslippery edge of the cliff. EITHER she gets her priorities straight, or she stays their little girl forever and you will be relegated to the background.

(Maybe a sperm donor; but abandon any notion of you and dw raising your own children in your own home, your way. MIL will be the birthpartner and from that day you'll be written out of the family script altogether.)

If DW goes on the holiday and you don't. If MIL hosts Christmas with DW excluding you...MIL has won. So, either you make a stand to DW NOW (we are not going on the holidsy; we are having xmas at home together) or just let her mother bulldoze you out of their daughters life.

You're young enough to start again.

COYG!

Lucky escape.
God knows what your FIL would have done to your Christmas Tree.

Don't ask again.

Ask your wife if she wants to continue being married to you, or is happy to be tied to her mothers apron strings eternally.
Then you will know how to proceed.

OP this does not sound like a good or healthy relationship to be in. Your wife seems to be totally codependent on her parents and they seem more than happy to keep it that way.

Have you considered relationship counselling? It has always been the case that when you get married your spouse becomes your immediate nuclear family.

Is there any possibility that your wife goes back and tells them about every argument or disagreement you have and that is colouring their view of you as a person?

Either way OP unless your wife decides to actually hear you out and prioritise you and your marriage this situation isn’t going to work. To me it looks like she’s very much playing you all off each other. (And if her parents are that overbearing I’d be delighted they don’t come to my house)

Do your family get on with her?

Agree with most.
This isn't particularly about the holiday, it just sounds like a bit of a weird dynamic between you all and the whole set up.

The holiday sounds like a symptom rather than a cause of your troubles. Do you feel able to have a conversation with your wife about this?

Does your wife have anything to say about it?

so is your DW happy to leave you alone at home on Christmas day.
If so it will be very very obvious where her priortieds lie.

Ate you quite young or newly wedded? It seems quite controlling but also what your dw is accepting of. Is an only child?

Up until the last part, I thought you were being very reasonable and had a controlling MIL.
However, I see you’re possibly being financially controlling of your wife. In most marriages, income from both parties is considered family money.
I think your wife should go away with her parents by herself. To give her a break.

Hmmm. She's booked to try and ensure you go as you have YOUR money and wife cannot afford to go. I'd be interested to know how she spends more than you? Is it on shit or does she pick up more bills/shopping etc.

Seems like your wife has already agreed to go to her parents with it without you this year.

Your wife's father seems not to like you? Hates coming round and won't take his cost off etc.

Do you think a break up is looming? She sounds unhappy and they're trying to give her nice things (holiday , Xmas )

OR

They're controlling of her

You have posted multiple times about your wife and in laws. She is stuck to them like Velcro and is not going to change unfortunately as she does not see the dysfunction and enmeshment in her relationship with her parents (who dont see her as an independent adult).

So you need to decide are you going to live the rest of your life like this, with your MIL manipulating every situation she can and managing to make you look like the bad guy.

OP - Susan Forward's book Toxic In-Laws is required reading in this type of situation. You'll instantly recognise the engulfers.

It might at the very least help you form something in the way of a decision as to whether this marriage can be salvaged.

Good luck. With in-laws like this, I'm afraid you'll need it.