To find this incredibly annoying-son kissing baby

[Shandyinthejarro]

I've posted before under a different username and I know a lot of you will think I'm being silly.

I have a lovely, sweet, kind 7 year old son and a 9 month old baby. My son seems to have an irresistible urge to kiss the baby and its driving me around the bend. I mean, it's seriously starting to impact me mentally. First World problems, whatever.

For several months he has been kissing her over and over, either on the hand on the face. It's started off as being the loudest, slurpiest, smacking sound. He was deliberately kissing her in a way that made the most noise. The noise more than drove me mad: it actually distressed me at the time, especially if he did it when I was breastfeeding her. I don't want to start using very dramatic language, but sometimes I wanted to cry as the noise kept happening over and over, sometimes very much in my space.

Now, he kisses her in a much more quiet way but in an open mouthed sort of way that often leaves saliva on her face or hand. This does my head in too. If I'm picking her up off the ground when they are playing together, he will automatically grab her hand to kiss it goodbye, which means sometimes her arm gets pulled back as I'm lifting her. I've explained the dangers of this over and over. Since she has started crawling, he will also lift her hand to kiss it and it destabilises her as she is on all fours. I've spoken to him about that too, but the urge seems to be too strong to resist. Baby generally starts whinging when he does it and we have explained how he needs to respect her space and back off when he hears the whinging noise.

My baby has been sleeping absolutely terribly the past few weeks. I mean waking up every 90 minutes all night and hardly napping in the day. I was becoming a zombie. For the past three nights, she has been sleeping in good long stretches of 4 hours or so and I feel like a new woman. Last night was a good night and this morning I was having a dream where I was listening to music and the music gradually turned into the sound of a baby whinging, that dreaded sound. Soon, I woke up and realised the baby whinging was mine. My son was lying beside me looking very worried. The first thing he said was 'it's my fault, I kissed her hand and she woke up'.

It was 7.30, so a 'lie in' anyway but I had been in a deep sleep, the baby was asleep and I felt so upset that this very rare occasion was interrupted by his kissing.

I adore my son, I really do. He gets a huge amount of love, affection and attention from me and my husband. We make a lot of time for his emotional well being and I know he is a very happy child with a huge amount of love in his heart. We have talked about the kissing and he says its because he just loves the baby so much. My husband says I need to get over the kissing thing as our boy just loves his sister and we shouldn't stand in the way of that relationship.

However I cannot help this visceral reaction and a few times I have physically batted my sons hand away when he has gone to to kiss the baby today. I've lost count of how many times it has happened since this morning. I'm actually a bit of a Ned Flanders goodie two-shoes type who never swears and there have been a few times I've felt like screaming 'f* off!' at my 7 year old child! I haven't and wouldn't but this isn't normal surely!

Other than this issue, I'm very happy, no PND, we are a happy family, all is going well, and I generally love motherhood and have a very high threshold for the ups and downs of a mum's life. I normally take everything in my stride but this is driving me so crazy that I asked my husband to take my son out with the baby for a walk as I seriously need some space.

Any advice!

OK we had a chat. I did the germs thing, the personal space thing and the safety thing. The middle child gave the baby a peck on the head and my son asked can he kiss her like that. I said yes. Then my son said 'so it's a boundary?' I said yes and he skipped off happily. Thanks everyone.

Except you say in your op that you've already repeatedly explained to him why he shouldn't do it and he still is

Why will it be different this time?

Also your 7 yo used the word boundary?

Really?

I agree with this - particularly if he's doing it while you are breastfeeding her. He's trying to take your attention away from her and get it on to himself.

Do you have the opportunity to give him any 1 to 1 time? A story before bed, perhaps?

I know it's difficult when you have three small children, and you may already be giving him personal attention, but I agree with Character that this is a bit of jealousy.

I am sure its not PND. the sound itself would drive me nuts too. adding the stress it your children and there are likely issues behind this behaviour no wonder is driven you into this. hope you can see the end of it soon somehow.

Yes definitely explained it before. I didn’t use all three components (germs, safety and space) quite the same way I just did and I think after this morning he was feeling guilty and knows he has gone too far with it. The reason why my son used the word boundary is because we have explained it in the past about other things.

Yes, I thought that too.

Is it possible your disturbed by your son showing “too much” affection for a boy and are trying to encourage him to act more like what you think a boy who is to grow into a man should do?

no.

Last night was a good night and this morning I was having a dream where I was listening to music and the music gradually turned into the sound of a baby whinging, that dreaded sound. Soon, I woke up and realised the baby whinging was mine. My son was lying beside me looking very worried. The first thing he said was 'it's my fault, I kissed her hand and she woke up'.

I would be firm about this at least @Shandyinthejarro - this was cut and dried not ok. x

Just caught up with the thread and read your update - good news! My suggestion was going to be to keep it lighthearted (maybe an approach if he does it again?) - a laughing “don’t slobber on your sister” approach, where you give him a big sloppy slobbery kiss and laugh about how it’s not the best. (My two are much, much older now, but this sort of thing is still a source of great amusement….!)

Your protective instincts are kicking in because baby can’t defend herself against the wet, noisy kisses. And they clearly do bother her because she’s making distressed noises.

I think only being allowed to kiss baby on the head/hair is a good compromise.

Just because baby can’t speak doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be her advocate.

Do you want to bat this other child away from the baby? Or feel such aversion? What's the age difference?

His behaviour is completely inappropriate. It's a red herring that it appears loving. You don't show someone you love them by slobbering on them repeatedly when they don't like it, when they are eating, sleeping or trying to do something. I am sure he knows that. You should treat it the same as if he was snatching a toy - explain that it's not kind and redirect to some preferable behaviour.

Love is shown by being kind, by caring for someone, by spending time, by listening, by appreciating what they do, by giving them what they need. Not by telling them you love them all the time. You know if someone loves you by the way they act.