To find this incredibly annoying-son kissing baby

[Shandyinthejarro]

I've posted before under a different username and I know a lot of you will think I'm being silly.

I have a lovely, sweet, kind 7 year old son and a 9 month old baby. My son seems to have an irresistible urge to kiss the baby and its driving me around the bend. I mean, it's seriously starting to impact me mentally. First World problems, whatever.

For several months he has been kissing her over and over, either on the hand on the face. It's started off as being the loudest, slurpiest, smacking sound. He was deliberately kissing her in a way that made the most noise. The noise more than drove me mad: it actually distressed me at the time, especially if he did it when I was breastfeeding her. I don't want to start using very dramatic language, but sometimes I wanted to cry as the noise kept happening over and over, sometimes very much in my space.

Now, he kisses her in a much more quiet way but in an open mouthed sort of way that often leaves saliva on her face or hand. This does my head in too. If I'm picking her up off the ground when they are playing together, he will automatically grab her hand to kiss it goodbye, which means sometimes her arm gets pulled back as I'm lifting her. I've explained the dangers of this over and over. Since she has started crawling, he will also lift her hand to kiss it and it destabilises her as she is on all fours. I've spoken to him about that too, but the urge seems to be too strong to resist. Baby generally starts whinging when he does it and we have explained how he needs to respect her space and back off when he hears the whinging noise.

My baby has been sleeping absolutely terribly the past few weeks. I mean waking up every 90 minutes all night and hardly napping in the day. I was becoming a zombie. For the past three nights, she has been sleeping in good long stretches of 4 hours or so and I feel like a new woman. Last night was a good night and this morning I was having a dream where I was listening to music and the music gradually turned into the sound of a baby whinging, that dreaded sound. Soon, I woke up and realised the baby whinging was mine. My son was lying beside me looking very worried. The first thing he said was 'it's my fault, I kissed her hand and she woke up'.

It was 7.30, so a 'lie in' anyway but I had been in a deep sleep, the baby was asleep and I felt so upset that this very rare occasion was interrupted by his kissing.

I adore my son, I really do. He gets a huge amount of love, affection and attention from me and my husband. We make a lot of time for his emotional well being and I know he is a very happy child with a huge amount of love in his heart. We have talked about the kissing and he says its because he just loves the baby so much. My husband says I need to get over the kissing thing as our boy just loves his sister and we shouldn't stand in the way of that relationship.

However I cannot help this visceral reaction and a few times I have physically batted my sons hand away when he has gone to to kiss the baby today. I've lost count of how many times it has happened since this morning. I'm actually a bit of a Ned Flanders goodie two-shoes type who never swears and there have been a few times I've felt like screaming 'f* off!' at my 7 year old child! I haven't and wouldn't but this isn't normal surely!

Other than this issue, I'm very happy, no PND, we are a happy family, all is going well, and I generally love motherhood and have a very high threshold for the ups and downs of a mum's life. I normally take everything in my stride but this is driving me so crazy that I asked my husband to take my son out with the baby for a walk as I seriously need some space.

Any advice!

Hand smacked 🙄

I was thinking misophonia too. I can relate to the feeling as MILs dog is constantly licking herself and the noise makes me want to pull my eyeballs out, I have to leave the room or just avoid her.

Yes I get irrationally distressed at certain sounds. My son gets irrationally distressed at certain clothing. I think we are maybe just too similar in some respects!

I was also going to suggest its the noise that annoys you, not the action, I found when DS was little it was so much worse, noises that I had coped with before, made me want to punch doors or scream shut the fuck up, it did calm down, but it was really hard

It isn’t that you aren’t giving him enough attention. It’s that you are giving some of your attention to the baby. I had this conversation with a HV when my son was attention seeking and I said the same thing, that he gets plenty of attention, and she said “it’s never enough”!
The fact that he does it while you’re breastfeeding is a clue to this. Also that he pulls her hand up while she’s crawling, destabilising her. And that he “accidentally” woke her up in the morning and appeared next to you in bed.

@reachforthebloodymary yes the noise drives me crazy. The quieter kisses that leave pool's of saliva don't drive me as crazy but aren't pleasant. It's definitely the noise.

I've never ever kissed a baby. Even babies of close familt. I don't think the baby would like it, me leaving saliva over her face.

I'm sure a small baby wouldn't like a seven year old boy looking over and leaving saliva over her face. It is important to establish boundaries. Especially in an older male younger female scenario.

Im female, I grew up with one older brother (no sisters), and my brother often made me feel uncomfortable when I was very young. I had to tell him not to do things to me, then I had to tell my mother what he was doing. It is hard having an older brother. I wish I'd had sisters only.

It sounds like you are quite over the top with affection and so he is just mirroring you, like DCs will do.

He loves his sister so he is going to show her affection.

If he receives over the top affection then he is obviously going to show over the top affection.

DH or the baby doesn’t have an issue with it and so you are the problem.
Tiredness isn’t helping the situation.

Talk to him about personal space but you need to also show this by giving him his personal space and asking if it’s ok to give affection.
I would have definitely put a stop to him kidding her when you’re breastfeeding or asleep as that’s not fair on the baby.

Maybe you could word it as now the baby is getting older.

You just need to remember that he is going to mirror your behaviour, so I would be aware of how you treat the baby and him.

And remember that many siblings absolutely hate their new siblings so try and see it as a positive thing.

close family
*Looking over and leaving saliva over her face

Ah my spell check keeps changing what I am saying .
It should read

*Looming over her and leaving saliva over her face

This makes sense as he gets so much attention. But you're right, he doesn't get all of it, though he is used to sharing it with his 5 year old sibling.

As I said before, I had a very sickly younger sibling as a child and while I wouldn't say that I didn't get attention (I don't remember feeling sidelined as such), nobody made as much of an effort to make extra sure I got enough attention as my husband and I do with our older two kids. Hope that makes sense!

I don't think an older boy should be leaving saliva all over a girl baby's face. That must feel disgusting for the baby.

It is very important to establish boundaries when it is an older male younger female sibling.

As I said, I remember being very young, aged 3, and I I remember my older brother who was 6, making me feel extremely uncomfortable.

Tell him not to do it at all. And punish him if he does. Instill lessons about boundaries. That you can't just kiss who you want all the time. Especially if that person is much smaller than you are.

'And remember that many siblings absolutely hate their new siblings so try and see it as a positive thing.'

This is so true👍

This is how I felt when reading.

It's great that your ds loves his sibling.

But he's 7. Old enough to understand your boundaries of personal space and babies.

He doesn't need to kiss her when she's attached to you feeding. He knows it gets in your space and you don't like it. He needs to understand that.

Have you thought of silently walking away to another room when he does it and then really praising every little time he respects boundaries and space? It's very likely an attention seeking thing but crossing personal boundaries for attention can lead to bigger problems in the future.

A child I knew had no personal space boundaries and her and her mum always used "but she wants ....." "she's only....." without ever considering her feelings didn't matter more than the other persons.
She had a sever breakdown at 15yo because after years of people pushing her away and literally refusing to be near her for years after joining secondary school her MH was shot.

OK thank you everyone for your input. I got a lot of responses, some very different and I'm going to go off for a while and try to think of a balance of all of the suggestions, going forward.

For the record, I mist definitely did not smack my son. I intercepted his hand as he went to take the baby's for the tenth time in a row. Where I come from, that could be considered 'batting away but maybe that's a colloquial saying that others might misconstrue as me actually hitting my child, which I actually oppose and never do.

Thanks everyone for all of your views and for the kindness most of you showed me.__

I would keep an eye on the safety aspect of what you've described. But not make mention, or comment to your 7 year old. Ignore the behaviour when he does it. No verbal response at all.

If it is attention seeking, and it may well be a form of this, it will die back when he's not getting the reward he's subconsciously seeking.

There will be a few small bumps along the way. But he's not setting out to hurt her.

Easier to ignore and reevaluate in a month.

What @Sceptre86 said about older children really rings a bell - they do start annoying you more when you have a baby - not because their behaviour has necessarily changed, but because you you perceive them differently - which is perfectly natural! I think you're on the right track with ignore /limit /redirect. Also you sound like a great parent!

I did some googling at the time and misaphonia seemed to fit better than most, so it might be worth having a google. But it did calm down in the end, so that bit never fitted, I do remember thinking if the hormones made my hearing better

I understand OP. Sometimes certain sounds annoy me and whenever you hear it, it's really frustrating. For example, I hate hearing people whistle.

I don't think you're being mean. Tbh it does seem a bit strange to me for your son to want to kiss his sister this much. I think either he's just very affectionate or he is trying to get the attention. It's a way of making himself known maybe.

I would definitely try and increase the one on one time that your son has both with you and his dad. Maybe your son is craving something more.

He’s seven though- old enough to know that you don’t kiss someone with an open mouth and leave saliva on their face. He isn’t a two year old. Surely he doesn’t kiss his dad or grandparents like this? If he keeps doing it she’ll soon get annoyed by it when she’s a bit older. He’s old enough to know that pulling a baby’s hand up while she’s crawling isn’t right either.
Sorry but this doesn’t sound like genuine affection from him. It sounds more like performative “affection” and a way to push your buttons.

I think this is the key to it all. You express your love to your son in what I would consider quite an overwhelming/overbearing way. He is copying what you've modelled to him, in how he shows love to his sister.

Yes - I wonder if he is trying to model to you how much he loves the new baby (you've mentioned an anxious tic in the past) because he thinks it's important to you. Can you be very clear on no kissing when she's crawling or feeding and also give him helpful stuff to do - help prep her meals, help with running a bath, things you can do together for the baby?

My son used to smack the baby. And later when she started to walk he would push her over all the time..
So i think your problem seems like no problem at all 🤷🏻‍♀️

He will eventually stop it. My DS did too. They are best friends now and have been since DD turned 2. I think when baby is a bit bigger and your DS can play with her, he will do less kissing. Maybe show him some ways he can interact with her. Read her a book etc.

Op, you sound a lovely mum ❤️

I would absolutely mention the safety aspect to him . Affection is lovely, hurting your sibling , leaving saliva over them and interrupting feeding is not. He is understandably struggling with the change in his life and jealous and he might need help identifying that this is what he is doing and why.

Sorry to have not RTFT and if this is repetition, but it sounds like if sensory stuff like this is grating on you you might have a touch of PND or just be exhausted and overwhelmed. It sounds like you’re trying your best to just tolerate it even though it bugs you. It may be a phase that passes soon. In the meantime could you find something to distract your son from the slurpy lipsmacking kisses? Get him to show his love in other ways?

I have you say though that you all sound like a very affectionate family, which is lovely.