I’ve got everything I ever wanted, but I feel so flat

[phaedrafredrik]

I’m 49, married with 3 DC age 14, 16 and 18. DH works incredibly hard, long hours. He also does loads practically in the house and garden, he’s always busy. I can’t fault him because everything he does is to improve things for us iyswim, but he’s usually very distracted.
DC are great, never given us any real problems, they’re all doing well and happy.
We have a beautiful home, everything I ever wanted. I work 4 days a week and do cleaning, washing, cooking. DC pull their weight. It’s pretty fair as DH is so busy all the time. I try to exercise at least twice a week, I’m fit and in good shape.
I’ve been on HRT for 18 months, quite a high dose so I think hormones are all optimised.
However, I feel so flat. Life feels a bit mundane. I have a bit of anxiety most of the time but I can’t work out why.
I don’t really know what I’m asking for. I feel so ungrateful. I don’t know why I feel like this. Can anyone relate?

It sounds like you have depression. People often think depression is characterised by crying and sadness but just as often it's a feeling of nothingness. It was for me. I've never cried during a bout of depression.
It's worth getting an appointment with your GP, perhaps an antidepressant might help. Don't be worried about taking antidepressants either, they can really help xx

Are you happy in your job?

@emmetgirl I have wondered about that, but don’t really want to accept it for some reason.
@BritishDesiGirl yes I do enjoy my work and the people I work with are great.

All I ever wanted in life is exactly what I have right now and I thought it would make me happy but I’m actually also numb and low. No idea why.
Citalopram and therapy is helping.
Might do for you too OP

Would you accept it if your GP told you that you had another type of illness? Like arthritis for example? Depression is an illness in exactly the same way. If you're ill you do things like take medication to help the symptoms and make other changes to help you feel better. Depression is no different. It's not a reflection on you or your life. It's an illness.

Is it that you got what you wanted and. Now there’s no challenge or goal to work towards? We need to be working towards goals for life to feel meaningful.

Everyone needs a project or something to look forward too. Are you saving up for something nice at all ?

Maybe you need a new hobby? Something just for you?

We have a beautiful home, everything I ever wanted.

Apart from the home, what else did you want? What did you look forward to, strive for, enjoy? I don't mean material possessions or health and DC, I mean for yourself, be it career or passions or hobbies, travel or art or gardening or writing? Or 'putting something back', which is where satisfaction often shifts to in 40s/50s if we feel to have 'got everything we ever wanted' for ourselves. It may well be that you have depression so couldn't take pleasure in things until that is addressed, but it may also be situational - that you're feeling like you 'should' be happy now you've achieved your goals, whereas it's the very striving for the goal - the journey not the destination - that keeps us motivated and not caught up with these thoughts and anxieties which can otherwise snowball.

a book that has helped me Running on Empty by Jonice Webb. she has a website. just check in on it incase it chimes with you OP. lots of love on you journey.

It's no accident that this is when 'mid-life crises' start to happen, but they can be a good thing too. What could take you out of your comfort zone, so that you're facing those anxieties rather than letting them fester? You've worked all this time to create your comfort zone only to find it's not enough of itself and might actually be bad for you if you stagnate in it. Stretching your comfort zone is where you can feel most alive.

My first reaction reading your OP is because happiness does not come from these external things. Society/advertising sells us a lie that if we line up the house/job/family/partner in the correct way, we will be happy, but this is impossible because happiness and suffering are states of mind so their main causes can only come from the mind. It’s fine to have all these things but when we expect them to make us happy it doesn’t work other than in the short term. Have you ever tried meditation?

I don't want to sound trite, especially if it is signs of depression but I have a little homemade plaque on my kitchen wall of a quote I found about 30 years ago (before inspirational quotes were fashionable)

The essentials for happiness

Someone to love
Something to do
Something to look forward to.

I always struggle with the third one at this time of year and it does get worse each year with age but with everything that's gone on in the world in the last few years and all that's ongoing, I think a lot of people are struggling with motivation.
My cut off point is always 20 December (shortest day) I usually start to perk up a bit by then but this year I have to try and drag a very reluctant DH along with me.

With your job you are obviously pretty time poor but now the kids are old enough to be left, can you and DH schedule in a couple of overnight or weekend breaks to recharge your batteries and break out of the routine.

What do you do for fun?

Traditionally most lives follow a pattern where thhere is the pre-mid strive where we are so distracted acquiring things and careers and looking after little ones.

And then post-mid where we look to simplify things.

In the middle is the transition phase - and transitions are rocky. Got no advice but to listen to your deep inner self about what you want to do with your time, effort and energy x

Mid life crisis.

I am in the midst of one too.

Plan the biggest fuck off adventure and go and find your spirit and wild side. Everything is too mundane and we feel our energy sapping and our opportunity for spontaneous wilt. Go and make something, anything happen and break out of the hamster wheel.

I felt strangely refreshed after a full on girls night out, just for one night I was nineteen again. Maybe you need less routine and more fun?

Mid life crisis! As someone else said you need an adventure or new interest

I agree with all above.

But in particular I would stress the need for friends. Your husband is always busy so maybe you need to prioritise time with friends. Ones you can really relax and have a bloody good laugh with. Could do wonders for you 😃.

I changed jobs at 49, and it has changed my life.

From experience, people who always get what they want and hardly ever what they need feel this way. Flat, depressed, endlessly searching for more.

People who get what they need, never what they want are usually the down and outs of society. Eg. Living in relative poverty, limited life experiences and health conditions, etc.

There has to be a balance IMO. Perhaps you would benefit from a life altering holiday or work experience abroad? ... examining your moral and spiritual journey more closely? Hobbies and interests, etc.

Everyhting you ever wanted? You don't mention having friends, hobbies, fun, sport, nights out, holidays?
If everything you ever wanted was a big clean house and a busy husband....I think you need to want a bit more.

This has given me some really interesting things to think about and this

’If everything you ever wanted was a big clean house and a busy husband....I think you need to want a bit more.’

has really struck a chord with me.

Oh good. I read it back and thought it could read as mean, it wasn't meant to be!

Some really good points here & I would echo what pp have said about spending time with friends and having interests. The other thing to say is that sometimes the things we think we want don’t actually make us as happy. I worked a lot with young women with eating disorders who were often miserable despite being high achievers. I always remember one patient saying she had achieved everything she set out to do but what was the point as she wasn’t enjoying herself.