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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have lost all interest in sex?

7 replies

Hebditch · 13/11/2022 05:16

38yo, married, 2 teenage DS...and I’ve no interest in sex anymore. I don’t know how to explain it apart from saying that I just can’t be bothered. I have a leadership role in a secondary school and am up at 5am every day for work. Yes, the presence of two teenage sons doesn’t lend itself to amorous activity. However, I don’t really feel that these are the reasons. I mean, the way I feel, I suspect that even if I won the lottery and didn’t work and had a massive house so there was no risk of DSs overhearing etc, I still wouldn’t be wanting it. I do it because my DH is a very sexual person and also very emotionally needy and takes it very personally if we go without for more than a week. I pretend I’m enjoying it, because it’s just easier that way, when really I’m thinking how ridiculous all this huffing and puffing is and waiting for it to be over!
Unfortunately it takes my DH a long time to come and so whenever sex starts I know I’m in for the long haul. He has also become more experimental while I am...not. If he had his way, it’d be sex toys and dressing up etc pretty much every night. To me it all seems a bit ridiculous.
I don’t think the issue is entirely him though - even if Daniel Craig propositioned me I just don’t think I could be bothered. I like cuddles etc but feel I’ve become utterly sexually indifferent. Does anybody else feel this way around this age? And if not, any tips please, lovely mumsnetters?! I mean, I’m only 38 and DH is 40s so I need to find a way of getting interested again...

OP posts:
Paperdolly · 13/11/2022 05:50

You don’t have to have intercourse if you don’t feel like it. Don’t prioritise your DSs needs over your own. Talk to him and explain you may just need a month of cuddles only. What do you think?

OhMerde · 13/11/2022 05:52

Yes I feel this exact way but I'm older, so mine is linked to hormone changes. Hormones are so powerful and drive so much of our behaviour. Yours might be out of whack for some reason too. You're very young to lose any sex drive though.

eurochick · 13/11/2022 05:52

You sound like you want to want it again. What contraception are you on? The Pill kills my libido.

fallfallfall · 13/11/2022 05:54

Could be peri menopause. A dh who takes long, so long he wants to get experimental would be annoying as hell and a total turn off.

Maggie178 · 13/11/2022 06:28

I found the mini pill killed my sex drive after a few years. After a few months of stopping the pill it returned. It could be your contraception.

3487642l · 13/11/2022 06:32

What you describe about your sex life with your husband sounds like enough to turn anyone off sex permanently. I can't imagine anyone living like this having any desire left at all!

very emotionally needy..

This is not a turn on in partner!

and takes it very personally if we go without for more than a week.

So he uses emotional manipulate to get you to have sex with him.

I pretend I’m enjoying it, because it’s just easier that way, when really I’m thinking how ridiculous all this huffing and puffing is and waiting for it to be over!

So you now associate sex with a performance to keep your husband from carrying out whatever emotional backlash he imposes on you if you don't have sex with him.

Unfortunately it takes my DH a long time to come and so whenever sex starts I know I’m in for the long haul.

This sounds awful. No part of this is about your enjoyment! It's all about his needs and his needs only.

What are the other aspects of your relationship like?

BertieBotts · 13/11/2022 06:32

It sounds like it's your husband, because feeling like sex is a chore you need to do to keep him happy is guaranteed to kill any desire.

But I do agree to to try stopping any hormonal contraception as that transforms me into a sexless robot.

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