Feeling Lost and Run Over By A Bus

[Aldith]

I’m not sure this is the right board but I’m in shock, I want to cry and feel like I’ve been hit by a bus. I’ve been with DH 7 years next month and when we started dating I made it clear that one day I wanted to be a mother. I didn’t mean right then but at 31 equally I didn’t want to start a relationship if this wasn’t something he was open to in the future. To start with he was and then things happened in his personal life that meant he was seriously hurt and parenthood was off the cards. This was more than two years after we met. I cry every time I see a small child on tv and it breaks me but I love him.

Tonight he has suddenly announced that he would love to be a parent and whilst being an older parent scares him there is a huge difference between being an older parent and an old parent. He has also asked how I feel about adoption. I am entirely open to adoption but I feel like I’ve been hit by a train. I had painfully accepted never being a mother I don’t know what to think or feel. AIBU to feel lost and adrift?

It's a big thing. Obviously it's going to take time to work through.

My cousin (m46) is adopted. His adoptive parents were very glad to have him. He seems to be at peace with it. That's just one case.

So you're 38? Might you be able to become pregnant and bear a child? Do you want that?

Why is he asking about adoption? Are there proven fertility issues with either of you?
You need to spend some time talking all this through, maybe with a counsellor if you are finding it difficult.
31 is not old in terms of having children.
Is your DH much older than you?
It sounds as if he has just realised he is ready to be a parent. Do you think there is more to it than that?

She’s 38 not 31 which is why I assume he’s thinking adoption.

Oh, sorry. I have realised you are now 38!
I had my youngest child at 42, so it is possible you can conceive naturally. Maybe seeing a specialist would be a good first move.

I don’t understand why you stayed with him if you knew only 2 years in that it meant he wouldn’t ever want children?

I hope you learn to make peace with your decision whether that’s with him or not.

OP. I completely understand why you feel so shocked. That is so hard. I am so sorry.

To clarify, when you say he was hurt, you mean physically and therefore unable to father children, or psychologically and not prepared to be a parent?

if the latter, why is he jumping straight to adoption? At 38 you might well conceive naturally.

Your post isn't very clear. Are you shocked because you had come to terms with never having a child and now he's changed his mind? Or because he's mentioned adoption?
38 isn't that old, you may well be able to get pregnant and have a child.
Why does he want to adopt? Is he a similar age?

I am 38 and DH is 40. There is a 1 in 4 chance of a child being born with microcephaly so adoption avoids that possibility. I have spoken with a doctor about it 6 years ago when children were still first on the cards and she said that the risks were low enough that they wouldn’t advise me not to try but they would monitor any pregnancy more carefully.

He was psychologically hurt and I had painfully come to accept I would never be a mother.

I don't know if I'm missing something but this post seems odd to me. You want a child so much you cry every time you see a small child yet you feel lost and like you e been hit by a train because your partner wants the same thing? And you are not going to try for a baby on the off chance it's disabled. So if you adopt a child and it becomes disabled what then?? Sorry if I've completely kissed the point of the post I just do not understand your logic whatsoever

If a child ends up having a disability then we would cope. I myself have dyspraxia. Microcephaly though can be serious and life limiting whilst Dyspraxia, Dyslexia and Autism are not life limiting. I feel like I’ve hit been hit by a bus because DH never wanted to be a parent and now he does. I had accepted never being a parent and now I might be.

There is so much that's disabilist about that post.

Which side is the microcephaly coming from? Could you use a sperm or egg donor and do IVF? Adopted children are a whole different kettle of fish as they tend to remove them from parents as a last resort these days and adoptive parents need to be very resilient and emotionally stable.

Disabilist was never what I intended. We could potentially use a sperm donor. It is something we definitely need to talk about. I am not blind to the suffering adopted children may have suffered. I will not go into the case but in one instance a child I knew refused to go back to her mother aged 7 because where she was living at the time gave her three meals a day and help with her homework. I am far from thinking adoption is a bed of roses.

How’s his mental health now? Adoption isn’t easy, we know several couples who haven’t been accepted or had to jump through years of hoops and initial rejections. Would you even be allowed given your own trauma about thinking you wouldn’t be a mum and crying about the idea of children and his own severe issues?

I’m still not sure why him bringing it up has caused this very intense emotion but I hope the two of you can talk about it and find a way forward.

I feel things intensely but I am very good at swallowing my emotions. He would manage as he says himself he has the heart of a swinging brick. Outwardly he does. Right now he’s talking about how much of a difference we could make in a child’s life. My feelings come from being entirely overwhelmed by the potential reality. I have seen young children damaged by their parents choices but equally I have seen what good input, patience and understanding can achieve. I have children from outwardly the best households suffering emotionally and children from the worst households accepting and wanting life’s basics. I am not a social worker. I expect hard work and extreme difficulties. Anyone who has been in a childrens centre or adopted will know that. I expect slow progress but if we adopt I hope to make a difference.