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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think life can be so shit

30 replies

treatyhe · 12/11/2022 19:01

I am in my 2nd year of becoming a nurse and found out this evening H has slept with someone else

I'm heartbroken. And concentrating on really irrational things for now, such as my career

I won't be able to continue my course. I do night shifts and long days. I won't have the childcare to cover that

What a disaster. How could he do this to me and DS?

Poor DS. Sadly he won't be seeing much of his dad anymore accept weekends

OP posts:
Original poster
treatyhe · 12/11/2022 19:01

*except

OP posts:
Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 12/11/2022 19:04

You might be catastrophing a bit (unless he’s abusive and you want him completely out of the picture?)

If your relationship has broken down that’s no reason for him not to parent. Hopefully you could work out a coparenting arrangement that will work for both of you?

Sounds like this is very early days and it’s a shock? Flowers

Shortname · 12/11/2022 19:05

I'm so sorry, life really can be so shit. I think the reason he could do this is because he just didn't think about the consequences, the knock on effects probably never crossed his mind, it's no excuse and I really hope you can work something out and carry on nursing. Enormous good luck to you.

luxxlisbon · 12/11/2022 19:06

Presumably he is the one who looks after DS now? What do you think that wouldn’t continue and you would have to quit?

Its a huge shock for you I’m sure so don’t make any rash decisions that ruin your own future.

ilyx · 12/11/2022 19:07

Could you not just live together till you finish the course? Plenty of people have done so, I lived with an ex for awhile after we split up for practical reason. It’s not that uncommon.

Original poster
treatyhe · 12/11/2022 19:11

luxxlisbon · 12/11/2022 19:06

Presumably he is the one who looks after DS now? What do you think that wouldn’t continue and you would have to quit?

Its a huge shock for you I’m sure so don’t make any rash decisions that ruin your own future.

He has had a personality switch. Upon confronting him, he says I'm a useless wife. I was shocked. He says he really resents all the time I'm dedicating to study and DS. There's nothing for him, and that's why he's cheated, and yes, it was in our bed!

I am heartbroken but more for myself. I am disgusted at him and weirdly for now don't feel sad about him. He has gone to his mums and has text to say he will see DS every other weekend 'if I want'

If he does just that, I'm fucked for childcare

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 12/11/2022 19:14

Firstly don't panic. Friend completed hers by hiring a night minder. 2 ladies from a local daycare who could do nights when friend needed - her dc slept through so night minder just literally put dc to bed then slept in spare room.

fallfallfall · 12/11/2022 19:20

rally family, even if it's his, to child mind etc. please do all you can to finish your course, this after all, will be the best outcome for everyone even the prick.

BuddhaAtSea · 12/11/2022 19:21

Any practice educator worth their salt will try and accommodate your circumstances. Before each placement have a frank discussion with them, this is it for childcare, how can we work this out for the best.
And insist on 50/50, he doesn’t get to waltz off and not look after his own kid.
You must finish the course.
How old is your DS?

IfOnlyOCould · 12/11/2022 19:25

Would his Mum help you out? I'm assuming you would have mentioned if you had family who could help.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Huntswomanonthemove · 12/11/2022 19:26

Speak to your tutor as soon as possible, they won't want to lose you from your course. There are mechanisms in place to support students in your position. I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. Daffodil

SpringRainbow · 12/11/2022 19:28

Do you have friends or family near by? Have you spoken to the people running your course and explained what has happened? Have you looked up childcare options in your local area?

I understand you are upset and in shock but this is exactly why you should make any big decisions right at this moment.

mamabear715 · 12/11/2022 19:28

I'm so sorry, @treatyhe .
It won't seem like it at the moment, but you're better off without him, being such a 'bad wife' & all.. what a dick.
I hope you're able to finish your course.. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Original poster
treatyhe · 12/11/2022 19:29

Hankunamatata · 12/11/2022 19:14

Firstly don't panic. Friend completed hers by hiring a night minder. 2 ladies from a local daycare who could do nights when friend needed - her dc slept through so night minder just literally put dc to bed then slept in spare room.

I can't afford that and it wouldn't work. My DS has special needs so any type of respite is hard to come back. It just isn't possible without a supportive DH Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
treatyhe · 12/11/2022 19:30

His mum wouldn't help me. He's her golden boy. I have distanced myself from her a long time ago because of it...

My own family won't and my mum has extremely poor MH issues

OP posts:
Huntswomanonthemove · 12/11/2022 19:34

You really need this career @treatyhe . Please don't give up, talk to your tutor. Part of their job is to help students manage their lives to get through the course.

ilyx · 12/11/2022 19:34

Honestly if I was in your shoes I’d just stay with him for now and bide my time knowing the second I can feasibly leave I will.

SweepTheHalls · 12/11/2022 19:35

An au pair to cover the nights?

Original poster
treatyhe · 12/11/2022 19:36

SweepTheHalls · 12/11/2022 19:35

An au pair to cover the nights?

I don't have the spare room for that. I'm sure au pair would want that. That's before considering how on earth I'd pay for her as I'm sure childcare elements of benefits are rocky ground and won't work for a nanny or au pair

OP posts:
Original poster
treatyhe · 12/11/2022 19:38

Huntswomanonthemove · 12/11/2022 19:34

You really need this career @treatyhe . Please don't give up, talk to your tutor. Part of their job is to help students manage their lives to get through the course.

Thank you. I will try that's for sure Sad

They know about DS already but were quite frank with me about placement hours - it won't be what I want and it will be random timings

The allowance they kindly gave me was a hospital under the university that's most local. And even that I really had to push for

OP posts:
BloodyShoes · 12/11/2022 19:39

I'm sorry OP. It's amazing how some men think they can just fuck off from all responsibilities.

Original poster
treatyhe · 12/11/2022 19:42

BloodyShoes · 12/11/2022 19:39

I'm sorry OP. It's amazing how some men think they can just fuck off from all responsibilities.

Yes definitely. It makes me so cross.

There was a lot to be desired from H, he had to be pushed a bit to understand I really wanted to go for my dream. Get the training done. He took a long while to come round but was consistent with the support at least

Now this though. He's dropped us. And in addition to that, he found DS's diagnosis and disabilities really difficult to come to terms with. Took ages for him to 'come round' but all the support and advice I got from specialists and even charities suggested many parents feel like that, it's a normal process etc so I let it slip Sad

My poor DS.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 12/11/2022 19:47

Even if you can't carry on with nursing degree, you could talk to the uni about transferring to another degree - biomedical science etc - something that doesn't requite placements or has more school hours.

QS90 · 12/11/2022 19:57

How old is your boy? If he's under 4, could you defer until he's at school, then take the course up again then?

Maybe have a frank discussion with your ex's mum - however "golden" she believes her son to be, she might still want some sort of relationship with her grandson.

It is unfortunate for your son - of course it is - but sounds like you really love and care about him, and do right by him, so he will be okay with you in his corner x

Jurassicparkinajug · 12/11/2022 20:09

Wow so he cheats then has the audacity to blame you. I think that just shows you who he truly is. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Definitely discuss your options with your tutor and maybe student services can advise too. Try not to worry too much until you've spoken to them. They generally expect you to do 2 night shifts per placement but hopefully they can allow for these circumstances

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