To want kids' father to step up?

[hellycat]

Have three boys with ex partner, aged 15, 13 and 11.

We have been separated for 7 years and he nearly always took the boys at the weekend overnight, usually Saturday, and at holiday times.

I looked forward to the break tbh.

Eldest has SN and I also need to help care for my mum who has Alzheimer's.

Last year he found himself a new girlfriend and not only did the overnighters stop straightaway, there were many weekends when I heard nothing from him.

He called on Sundays and took them up to his house for a meal, but many weeks he missed even that.

He promised to take them away for a few days over the summer, but let them down. Youngest was really disappointed.
When he finally got in touch, he told me his dad was really ill with cancer.
His dad turned out to be fine, and I found this lie reprehensible.

AIBU to expect a man to do his bit to look after 3 children of this age?

They might not be as difficult as they are when younger, but they have later bedtimes now etc, and are challenging in other ways.

He seems to think that it's okay just to 'take them out' when he's going to his sister's house or something, or going fishing.

Whereas I think he's their father ffs, not a bloody uncle or granddad.
Where is the joint parenting responsibility?

Is this man just a cunt, or is this typical of divorced fathers when they meet someone else?

This man is just a cunt. HTH.

(sympathies, my ex is nearly- but not quite- as bad).

God, if only there WAS a way to hold men like this to account. Instead, expect your justified and impotent rage to be augmented by all the posters merrily tripping up to tell you it's all your fault because you should have chosen a better man 🙄

They aren't always natural fathers, I'm afraid. Some of them are just selfish pricks who think they're single again, with no responsibilities. Poor boys.

So many questions. Are you civil with each other? How do you communicate? What was said about the overnight visits stopping without warning? Have you discussed the cancer lie? Does he know yours or the children’s expectations? Most children the ages of yours have phones, do they speak or message their father?

They don't contact him at all. He doesn't contact them. They don't have much to say to each other, which is sad.

I have always been civil with him. We communicate by phone, though he has been cutting my calls off at the weekend.

His only explanation for the overnights stopping was 'I've got a new girlfriend.' Which I interpreted as, 'there's somewhere else my penis would rather be.'

The sick father thing - I don't know why he made such an awful excuse, he just waffled some drivel about the doctors THINKING he might have cancer, I think he just went for a colonoscopy after being in pain in A&E overnight. If he'd just made up some guff about car trouble, I wouldn't have been as annoyed.

I can't actually make him care enough to be involved, can I? It's not like paying CM. Not enforcable.

Yes he's a tosser. But nothing you can do. Ultimately it's his loss.
I decided to stop chasing my ex for money or involvement (it was erratic to say the least) and actually my mental health improved. The less you expect, the less you are disappointed.
Sorry though, it's not fair.

Thank you for answering, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head and he is a c¥nt. Maybe put the question to him: Does he consider himself a good father and what would he do if you parented the children the same way as he does?

He’s going to miss so much and it will be too late unless he changes his ways. They will remember the people that were there for them in their lives and they’re lucky to have you looking out for them.

Thing is, @StopsWalkingToSneeze , there is not a word in the English lexicon to describe a separated mother who would behave as he does. Not one that is fit to print, anyway. It's where you see the double standard and male privilege like nowhere else, and it just infuriates me.