Meltdown - I just don't know what to do

[Whattodo182]

Sorry this might end up a bit long, I just need a "safe space" to vent.

Long story short(ish) I have an almost 6 month old baby. Before accidentally falling pregnant (using contraception fwiw) I had a great career that I loved. My partner and I worked for the same company. And lived in rent free, work provided digs.

Pregnancy was hard on me, not physically. But I was terrified. I had never planned for children and I was already over 3 months pregnant when I found out. Had it been sooner, a termination may have been discussed, but at my first scan there was an actual baby and I couldn't do it, I was so far along already.

Anyway. My partner and I invested lots of time and money in making our home nice for babies arrival. Baby arrives and it was pretty traumatic but we both left hospital healthy so all good. When baby was 3 weeks old, DP returned to work and was instantly suspended from work and advised to resign instead of being dismissed by our joint boss.
(No point going in to this ins and outs. It wasn't fair, nothing dodgy. Just a company policy incident, but it happened so anyway).

In the space of 13 hours, I'd lost my "home" and DP his home and job. We had barely any savings as we'd literally just spent loads getting the house nice for baby and buying all baby stuff etc.

Neither of us have strong family ties anywhere, so we upped and left. Our belongings went into storage and we tried to find somewhere to rent. 3 months of living out of air bnbs and a car, with a weeks old baby. (Traumatic in itself but at least DP was with me) And we found a landlord who would accept us (me on maternity and DP with no employment we really struggled obviously).

So we moved in, DP found a job almost immediately and we set about rebuilding our lives. Sort of.

My paid maternity (smp) is coming to an end soon and although not directly involved in the incident that saw my DP suspended, as I worked for the same company and boss, and I haven't had a SINGLE INTERACTION with her since going on maternity, I'm not even sure I have a job to return to. I have anxiety permanently that if I do return to work I'll be suspended also.
Even if I'm overthinking that, I've been desperately trying to find little one a nursery place and being faced with 18 months to 2 years waiting lists!!!

We only have one car now as we had to sell one to free up costs to move in, so I'm literally stuck inside all day every day. I do try to go out for fresh air and we have just started a baby class once a week for me to try and have some human interaction. But I just feel like I'm lying to everyone I meet as I'm so desperately unhappy about my situation.

If I don't have a job anymore, that's 17 years of my life wasted. If I do, I don't know how to even return as I don't have childcare. Same applies to finding a new job. I have no friends or family within 200 miles so no external help for childcare. We cannot survive on just DPs salary and today I just tipped over the edge when a friend sent me a photo of their Christmas tree and I don't even think we'll be able to afford a Christmas tree this year and I just sat on my stairs and sobbed.

I don't know what my AIBU is. I guess it's just, is this it, is this my life now. Destined to a life of poverty and isolation ith no job or carerr because contraception failed and I made a choice to keep my DC? I love my DC very much but I do feel myself feeling resentful of my life now. Its just not how I thought it would be. I feel guilt at her first few months on this earth and that I've let her down. I just don't see any future or way forwards anymore and just don't know what to do. I feel really really low and just need to shake my self I know but yeh. If you made it this far, thank you. I just needed to get it all out my head.

You're still on payroll, you've not been dismissed, I don't understand why you're talking about not having a job to go back to? You sound a bit irrational to be talking about your career and life being over when you're still employed.

There's no logical reason to think you don't have a job to return to.

Why don't you get in touch with your boss and ask for a meeting to discuss your KIT days and return to work? If she dismisses you, she needs a reason. If she doesn't then I'd return and quickly start looking for a new job. Even better, your boss doesn't see it working out with you there after her having dismissed your DH, maybe she'll offer redundancy?

As for childcare - have you looked at childminders?

My boss and I used to be close. I haven't heard a word from her since I started maternity. The reasons for my DPs suspension took down 8 other managers in our unit. We had a new senior Ops mgr who took offence at some processes. I feel like they might be keeping me on payroll for fear of repercussions of disciplinary action against me whilst on maternity. I also know they have replaced me whilst away with someone else who they won't have a role for if I do return. And he isn't on contract.
I also have no childcare options even IF I do still have a job.

Yes childminders could be an option but they are few and far between around here but I keep sending messages..
I know it seems irrational that I'm worried about my job, I just have a "gut feeling" and I might be completely just losing it, I just feel scared that if I do reach out to my boss and it ends badly, I'll literally have nothing. I know that makes no sense. I'm just in a black hole right now and struggling.

Maybe I missed it, does your DP have a new job?

He does yes. He works really hard to provide for us, but I've been having my smp and holiday pay each month to keep a steady income, which runs out next month and I was planning a return to work in January

This isn't rational.

You are catastrophizing, understandably so, however it's not a given you've lost your job and from what you say they'd be on pretty dodgy ground if that should turn out to be the case - though granted going through that would take a toll on you even more. You need to start thinking methodically - as in your maternity is coming to an end so getting in touch with your manager seems a sensible option to discuss what your options are. I know it all seems very overwhelming but tackle issues as they arise - try to practice mindfulness to calm your mind and don't hesitate to reach out to your GP for any support you need both regarding your mental health and returning to work in a phased manner. Remember you've already demonstrated a lot of resilience and planning as you've moved and trying to rebuild your lives again. It sounds absolutely tumultuous but you will be fine if you keep going.

Hi@Whattodo182
Some huge life changes there I'm not surprised you are feeling the stress.
You are still employed so hopefully that will not be a problem. When do you plan to return to work and have you discussed this with your boss?
Re childcare have you looked at lists of local childminders who may be more flexible than a nursery.
You have not let your child down you love her and she knows that. Material possessions will not mean you love her any more than you do already.
Good luck you both have jobs you are in a good position now to progress. Feeling secluded can be stressful with a baby join as many local mum n baby groups as you can as you will meet new friends here and grow to support each other.

@VladmirsPoutine @Thedogscollar
Thank you both. I know I'm being potentially dramatic I just think my brain capacity has maxed out and I'm just stuck now. You're right though. Practical steps and move forwards. Thank you

@Whattodo182
You really aren't being dramatic. You have a new life now with a baby who is dependent on you so that in itself is stressful never mind not being near family to help out. I know I was there 21 years ago. We got through both had jobs and had childminder then nursery.
If you are feeling really down please reach out to your GP or HV as PND can be so debilitating. Good luck xx

If you’ve been there longer than two years it’ll be very difficult for them to fire you, you could take them to court

Thank you. My DP did suggest seeing a GP the other week but obviously I told him he was being ridiculous....whilst deep down knowing I'm not thinking normally 🤦🏼‍♀️ I think I will give them a call Monday morning tbh.
Thank you for a sympathetic ear and kind words, it's very much appreciated

I've been with the company 17 years, various roles.
I think the likely option is a payout to leave quietly as they tend to shy away from potential claims. Wouldn't be the worst thing I guess but I just really want to go back to work and everything be OK lol.

@Whattodo182
Please discuss with your GP/HV too they are there to help in any way they can. Becoming a mother is one of the most overwhelming life changes there is.
There is no real preparation for it you just muddle along even the so called experts amongst us (I am a midwife) sometimes struggle a bit.
Keep communicating with partner that is so good that he encouraged you to see your GP. You are a team and you all need each other to get through life.
There is no problem that can't be shared/solved. Cut yourself a bit of slack. Life has a funny way of working out sometimes.

Managers need to give you privacy while you are away. Any contact above minimal can be construed as intrusion. Reach out to your boss, it's possible/likely they are just leaving you in peace. One step at a time.

Unless you were also involved with what happened, they wouldn't have reason to fire you. Were you involved?

I get it, real world they might offer a redundancy but after 17yrs I'd have thought that would be a decent payout? Enough money to keep you ticking over while you sort out childcare and job hunt?

To stop your mind racing I'd reach out to your boss.

There are policies to prevent people disturbing people on maternity leave so that might be the reason you haven't heard anything. The first 6 months of my mat leave I didn't hear a thing either.

I guess it could be this. I was an avid overworked before maternity so she could just be leaving me be to make sure I don't start getting involved maybe

I know I need to reach out to her, and I know it's really stupid that it fills me with anxiety. I never used to be like this lol. And no I wasn't involved, we worked in different sites, just the fact it happened at all and then no contact at all.

@Imnothereforthegiggles thank you so much. I guess at the time I just HAD to deal with everything and now things have settled down a touch, my mind has just been left to focus on this one issue maybe.
But your kind words really do mean alot on a day where I've felt truly low so thank you.

Hi OP,

If you are at all worried write a diary of your interactions with work just in case there is a problem. You could call the ACAS helpline if you are worried about your rights going back after maternity.

PP are right - you need to deal with things as they happen. Don't be afraid to see the GP .

I hope you get it sorted ok