What the fuck is wrong with me!!

[Rainydays147]

I’m really struggling and could do with any sort of help, reassurance, advice or just a handhold.

I’ve always struggled with a specific texture- greasy/oily. I know nobody likes it, but I hate it so much. I physically wretch when I have to touch something oily or greasy. For example, I could NEVER put my hand in a bag of crisps, nor could I eat pizza or chips or normal ‘finger food’ with my fingers. I’m shuddering even just thinking about it now. I can’t stand near anything remotely greasy or oily being near me and struggle in restaurants because I feel like I’m near the grease with the kitchen etc if it’s open plan, even though Im usually at the other side of the restaurant.

I don’t know why I hate it so much, I’m not scared or phobic of it but I just can’t stand it. I have to cut food into tiny tiny portions so I can put it cleanly in my mouth without so much as touching the side of my mouth with the food or my fork. I once ate pizza (cut into 5p piece sizes) and I accidentally touched the side of my mouth with a fork. I felt so sick and disgusting and dirty and I scrubbed my face with cleaners from under the sink. I was just desperate to get the grease off me and I felt contaminated and ended up burning my skin. I just felt so dirty and like my mouth was all greasy and horrible.

I usually avoid obviously greasy things (eg I don’t like moisturiser or hand cream, I don’t eat crisps or greasy food in the packet.) but sometimes my brain tricks me and says my hands are greasy when they’re not and I’ve just cleaned them, but then I get it into my head that they’re greasy and I end up panicking and scrubbing them. I used to get scared of touching a knife and fork in case the grease somehow travelled up from the food end to the end I was holding so I used to wear plastic gloves when eating or touching food. I only wear plastic gloves for certain food now which is a big improvement from every meal but still not great. I just hate feeling unprotected from the grease (which isn’t even there because the cutlery is spotlessly clean)

i don’t have any sort of asd or sensory problems, nor do I have any mental health conditions like anxiety or ocd. I’m fine with everything else texture wise, it’s just grease I have problems with

does anyone else have anything similar they absolutely hate?!

I don’t know why I hate it so much, I’m not scared or phobic of it but I just can’t stand it

You are completely and utterly phobic about it. No idea why you imagine you aren't. You're off the charts phobic. You scrubbed yourself with bleach when pizza touched you once.
You need serious professional help. Good luck.

Why do you think you're not phobic?

i don’t have any sort of asd or sensory problems, nor do I have any mental health conditions like anxiety or ocd.
How can you be sure? Sounds like how my OCD presented. I got post-partum OCD about a specific thing and the texture was a big part of the problem. OCD is on the autism spectrum. You can get assessed for it and it's treatable, sometimes it just needs an SSRI.

It does sound like a phobia.

For this sort of thing — an aversion that you know is irrational and which has an impact on your quality of life — certain types of behavioural therapy can be very effective. If you want to change it you probably can.

It's important to get a professional assessment because the treatment for a phobia absolutely won't help if it's OCD, and could in fact make everything worse, so you could do with being sure of what you're dealing with before you try to tackle it.

This is phobic in the extreme, you need to see a doctor and show them what you have written here, no one here will have the qualifications to help you. I’m sorry you are living like this, please seek professional help.

Rainydays, I think you are certainly phobic about greasy things.

There are ways of overcoming phobias which might be worth looking into. There is much on the subject available online, including Youtube. Some circumstances are easy to avoid thus circumventing the object of a phobia but grease is not.

Good luck.

OCD is not on the autism spectrum. It &: fairly commonly comorbid with autism but only autism is on the autism spectrum. I agree that OP probably has SPD and/or OCD, and it seems strange that they’re so sure that they don’t have sensory issues. This is very clearly a sensory issue that is affecting their life.

You are absolutely phobic. Self refer for some CBT.