To think I’m doing a bad job? How do you help your toddler regulate their emotions?

[Itstheimplication]

I feel like I’m constantly saying no, if you keep doing that you can’t have X, or using bribery to make DS stop pushing boundaries at the moment.

He’s three in January and was late to tantrums so I thought I’d got away with it but recently he’s stopped listening to anything we ask him to do, and is like a proper danger magnet so I feel like I’m constantly raising my voice. He has been so well behaved up until now I think it’s been a bit of a shock that now he is more challenging (not a stealth brag I knew we were lucky and it was nothing to do with me just fluke!)

I feel like there are better ways of dealing with this and I keep reading about how it’s our job to help them regulate their emotions instead of telling them off all the time but not so much detail on how!

to clarify I praise him loads when he’s demonstrating good behaviour, I don’t shout - only when he’s doing something actually dangerous that needs to stop immediately - but I just feel like a lot of the things I’m saying to try to combat what is mainly normal toddler behaviour pretty negative

AIBU to think I’m doing a bad job? Anyone got any helpful suggestions?

Just to say I don’t expect him to behave all the time I know he’s still a baby and I love him more than life itself. I’m more worried that I’m doing him a disservice and I should be focusing more on helping him to work out his emotions

DD is older (6) but i have felt like I spend a lot of my time saying "no" since she was a toddler.

Threats and bribery sometimes feel like my only commodity.

"If you don't do X, we can't do Y"

"If you do X, I'll give you this other thing you want"...

I try to keep the consequences natural - so, if she messes around getting ready to go out, we get less time at the park.

They are all learning, all the time, and pushing boundaries is part of that. I just try to be fair, reasonable, and consistent.

I also pick my battles a bit. And try not to make a big deal about everything. Just because something irritates me, doesn't mean it's a learning moment... sometimes I just ignore it and move on.

I tell myself that she'll grow up fine because she is loved, praised, and regularly reminded what good behaviour looks like, and why it's important.

Then you say what you see.

I can see you want to play with the knife but it’s dangerous.
I can see you’re angry, when you’re calm we’ll talk about it.
You don’t need to remove something as punishment - unless it’s a dangerous object -
You stop the tantrum and make up - so he knows he’s back in the good books otherwise you’ll have a battle of wills for a long time.

It’s fine to say “no” why wouldn’t it be?

I do breathing with DC to help regulate. I had limited success in the tiny days, but persisted with it. By about 18 months my son was doing it himself, even if a lot of the time was after having a melt down rather than during. I just held him, rocked him and encouraged him to breath with me.

I don't do shouting and try and keep no to a minimum. Not that I just say yes, but rather than no I would say "that is a lovely idea, let's do that at X time", "yes, you will be doing that too when you are bigger" "we need to keep you safe" etc. I did try and let him do things as far as possible, so got to experience some of the danger he seemed to love, like climbing if I was close enough to catch him. When he was not going nuts about me ruining his fun, we discussed things that made things safe/unsafe and tried to build his critical thinking around danger/safety.

I have always encouraged the naming of feelings and acknowledged that some feelings are big and feel shit. I think that helps get them talking about feelings, which is calming in itself, but also understanding that feelings pass and are normal. I have found books and blogs on gentle parenting useful.

It is useful to remember what you are doing that is positive. I am sure you are not doing a bad job when you care so much! Toddlers are hard work!

Latest parenting fad, innit?
Instead of saying clear, concise things to small children with limited vocabulary, confuse the snot out of them with long, complicated, flowery things so you feel like you're being positive around them.
Then when they're grown up, wonder why they don't understand "no means no".

Toddlers can realistically only “regulate their emotions” so much, and it isn’t far. Besides, emotions aren’t inherently wrong, it’s the naughty behaviour and tantrums that are problematic.

Toddlers are just learning what emotions are, besides. Focus on keeping your DS safe and yourself sane, and then come back to emotional regulation when his little mind and body have had some time to grow and mature.

I found redirecting to a sensory activity like play dough, water play, sand play, finger painting etc. really helps young children regulate their emotions.

Don’t put yourself down or think you’re a bad mum. That won’t help you or him. Have reasonable and appropriate expectations for him and for you as well. We are all still learning.

Just love him, teach him, and be consistently there for him. He’ll get there. After all, he’s only had 3 years of life experience. 😊

Thanks for all this.

Similar to this. It feels for a long time like it isnt working then they start doing it themselves. Still work to do but now my three year old breathes herself, is constantly telling me how she feels and why and I'm also better at recognising and naming my own emotions. Have to teach by example. I try my best to catch myself in a stressful situation and if I tell her to breathe and she wont as she is tantruming I tell her I need to do my breathing and I cuddle her and breathe. I explain to her how I'm feeling and why a lot but with no blame/shame. It's hard as it is different to how my generation were parented.

See, I do still say no as well as explaining and teaching emotions. She gets firm no and consequences for behaviours but we also talk about feelings. It's possible to do both I think. I dont think its realistic or healthy to never say no and it doesnt help as they will grow up and struggle to be told no

We didnt have the terrible twos. We went through a tantruming phase when she was turning three. Lasted 2 months max and then she went back to normal.

If we ‘poked the bear’ she’d spiral so we left her alone and then after about 20 mins she was able to accept a hug and then when after things and calmed down wed talk about her emotions and explained why we’d said no, moved her etc . She’s turned three in September and has been back to her normal sweet self for a while now.

Or, you could just use no when you really mean it, so it doesn't just become a background hum of constant no. If I say no it is instantly understood to be a firm no, that no persuading will get around, because I use positive parenting techniques, I don't simply abandon saying no altogether. You can be concise and positive at the same time!

Best advice I was given was to imagine you are being filmed.
He's 3 and learning to be a human so we need to role model not shout .
No bribes, it doesn't work.

Set a few non negotiable rules.
Teeth
No hitting
Bed time
Sitting nicely at meal times
Hand near road
These are expected and consistent

123 magic , so

1. Hold my hand, it's busy
2. DS Hold my hand( firm voice)
3. Ds Hand!( take his hand)

3 is always action , so 2 chances then teeth are brushed, clothes put on etc
If he kicks off, firmly remind him it's time to get dressed etc

Also if you say " don't run in the road"
They hear "run in the road"
Instead give the instructions " let's walk this way it's busy"

Loads of exercise and fresh air, run them like labradors!

Give yourself a break and focus on all the good stuff you do!

Does he have any changing needs re food and sleep? My DS is the same age and has a really hard time when he is hungry or tired. Changing the eating schedule and slightly earlier to be help us.

*earlier to bed