To need to be liked

[Welpwelpwelp]

Instead of further detailing a thread.

AIBU to constantly want to be liked by people and to hate being criticised?

I can be super polite because I want to be liked and not criticised.

I try to follow a formula due to my ASD. I’ll jump out of the way, over thank people like shop assistants as I think they are treated like shit. Buy hot drinks for homeless people etc etc. smile a lot. I want to be seen as a kind person but come across smarmy If someone doesn’t like me I’m devastated. I also have BPD. I need to be liked. I’m a sensitive person which is hard for the people around me. Im looking for advice on how to not give a shit. Long post over.

It's not about nothing giving a shit, and it's a good trait to be polite to shop assistants etc.

I do care about people's opinions, but only people I love, admire, and care about. I really don't give thought to anyone else or whether I'm liked or not; I have friends, family, colleagues so I feel liked!

It's more of a self esteem thing really. If you've got a healthy, balanced sense of yourself then it's easier to be content generally with how you are and not need to please anyone.

There’s a book called “The Courage to be disliked.” Helped me enormously.

I think one of the most important things I learnt as an adult is its okay for people not to like you. Not everyone will. Let it go.

And far easier to be yourself (and more likable with it) when not people pleasing.

So yabvu - but I understand its a huge thing to change!

I used to be super sensitive to this and think that if someone didn't like I must have come over as horrible in some way - but then I accepted that, whatever you are like, some people won't like you.

Seriously. It's a really important thing to understand. You will never be everyone's cup of tea - even if you're warm and friendly and accommodating, someone put there will decide you're 'fake', or 'a doormat' or 'trying too hard' (and TBH, people who think that of kind people are usually just wankers, so you can ignore their opinion). Someone disliking you does mean there's something wrong with you, it's just that no one, OK, barely anyone, is liked by everyone.

Have you ever experienced someone not liking you?
I’m sure you have.
And what happened when they didn’t like you?
Nothing. Your life went on and their life went on too.
Simples.

I’m Autistic and couldn’t give a shit if people like me or not. I’m polite, but I find most forms of conversation fucking exhausting, as frankly, most people talk in tricksy language/don’t say what they mean etc.

And really, the sooner you can be okay with not being liked by people, the better. It’s human nature. I don’t like everyone I meet or have to work with. It’s something I’ve drilled into my daughters.

I think it’s difficult
I am ND, and I find people who need to be liked hard because I don’t feel like it’s genuine and so I don’t know how to react. Am I supposed to do what they’re doing back? I don’t have the energy for that, so I’d just dodge that person.

it also sounds like you do things so they like you, rather than because you want them to feel good or because you actually want to help them.
so I wouldn’t know if I was supposed to be grateful, or not because you didn’t actually do anything for me it was for you.

but also I wouldn’t dislike you because whatever reason, at least you’re not being horrible.

who cares if other people like you though, if you know you’re a good person that’s all that matters

This is a good read. If you can make out the pics then great (if not then ignore). I must be somewhere on the spectrum to own this book. Also have "the courage to be disliked"
Going inside my own head is worse thing for me.

Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm!

Thank you. Looks like a good book

That’s a good comment and true. It became less about the other person and more about me.

I might get this!

Something the character of Margaret Thatcher in the Crown said really spoke to me. She said “not if one is comfortable having enemies”. I thought - ooh that’s such I am good point, why am I so uncomfortable with this?

Not a fan of Thatcher generally but she did a good job of perusing what she thought was right - I just don’t agree with what she thought was right! I often think it would be brilliant to have someone like that who used their powers for good in the Uk.

Try to love yourself as much as you love others. The golden rule goes both ways.

it’s not about not giving a shit about others, it’s about giving much more of a shit about yourself and honouring your feelings. Other people can’t honour your feelings unless you honour them first and then communicate to others how you feel.