I’ve fucked up. For the last eight weeks I’ve lurched from feeling rock bottom (I mean Samaritans on speed dial but never call) to feeling ok but broken.
I fell in love with a man with all the red flags. He told me he was in love with a woman he cheated on his wife for, wife then left him and took their two children aged 4&6 back to their native country (in Europe) he tried a relationship with affair woman but said “she didn’t want him”. FF 5 years of on off seeing each other I met him on a dating site. He’s tall, dark, handsome, next level (Nobel prize shit) intelligent, v powerful at a top institution - and I ignored all the red flags for that.
He told me he loved me after a few months, things were slow but good, then 6 months in he met my kids, met my mum, we went away on a weekend and had a great time. He said he had been out with his best mate but I could instantly tell he was lying. He had met the affair woman, said they went back to his, said they only kissed and he realised he wanted to be with me. I forgave him. He also told me he has mania, bi polar and psychotic episodes.
Since, I’ve been so paranoid. He started being nasty, constant micro criticisms - I wear too much perfume, I have put on weight, have I tried counting calories, I radiate stress (I have a high powered job Inc death threats from terrorists), I never met his family, or his kids, I made them a cake and he said leave it on the doorstep, I met his friends once at the start. But it was like they were vetting me and I haven’t met them since - there was a party with his friends for a birthday and I said shall I come - he said “you’re not invited”. I started to feel paranoid, I changed my hair because he said blondes weren’t his type, I stopped eating, I obsessed about where he was and it became exhausting. On the flip side he was charming, nice dinners out, we could talk for hours and hours, he was a bit selfish in bed (I came once in a year) but there was good times. He told me never to post pics of him and I on social media. I once posted a pic of the beautiful sunny day outside his building saying lovely lunch - no faces in it, he screenshot it and said my spies are watching you. I helped him and his colleagues with a high profile legal case, it was a big deal so they all started following me on social media, hence screenshot. The good things were we wrote love letters to each other and they were amazing, we laughed a lot, we had some amazing moments but,
I realised I felt very lonely in a relationship, and that he was very involved in my life but I was not his, I supported him with a lot but then a family member of mine became very ill, and he wasn’t supportive; and I received a few death threats - enough for the counter terror police to watch me, I freaked out, hit the gin too much for a few nights, I guess I was pretty awful during that time as in - I was so stressed I cancelled two dinners with him. And he said I was too “high stress and it was unhealthy”. Prob right.
He came to the house, I cooked, my family member was in itu and I cried telling him about it over dinner, he mentioned the affair woman and said that she was back here (living here) - I didn’t say anything but I glared at him across the table angry, he said you’re “radiating stress, I’m on eggshells with you” and I’m going to bed to avoid you.
FF a week and he said he was hosting a reception for the queens memorial. I said I’ll come along, he said we need to go for a walk and talk so no, I freaked out. My daughter went to the memorial and he was there with another woman - although he says she was not the affair woman I have a photo and it looks like her.
We had a huge argument on the phone and then I ignored him for two days, met for a walk, he said you’ve got it all so very wrong, I love you but I have had enough of your paranoia.
He also said I don’t handle high stress well - true, and that I’m “not healthy”. We agreed to break up. I wrote him a letter apologising for being too stressful and paranoid, he wrote back saying good luck with your life. We haven’t spoken in 5 weeks but I’m now having some sort of awful breakdown. I have never felt so un attractive, paranoid, he’s made me feel insane, I’m scared to post anything on social in case he’s watching, I cry a lot when I wasn’t even happy with him a lot of the time, I’ve lost every ounce of confidence. 4 weeks on and I saw a pic pop up on my timeline from his friend with them out at a dinner and he’s with someone completely different and new.
my family member recovered and my work is less stressful again but I feel like I’ve lost myself and the last year is a blur and yet all I
doing is sobbing to have him back. I am posting here because I have children I love and an amazing job, but I’m spiralling and I really don’t know wtf is happening to me. Why have I let this man destroy me? I love him and even that is fucked up when he was so nasty to me a lot of the time, yet so very charming some of the time.
my friend says that is narcissism - I’ve lost myself. Please help me mums, I feel like he’s standing on my chest and it’s draining the life from me.