AIBU to be sad I moved and I have no friends?

[Fleetwoodmax]

We moved to be closer to DH’s parents during the lockdown. I still work in London 2 days per week. My dd is in year 2 at school. I rarely do any pick ups as I work long hours. I’ve been out with mums once in 2 years. As far a I know they’ve only organised 1 drink out in a year unless there’s another WhatsApp group that I’m not privy to. We only have one child and it seems there are lots of friendships with mums who have other kids in older year groups. I’m very sad and lonely. What can I do? I’m not a horrible person but I don’t have a lot of confidence despite looking like I do but this is really getting me down.

You need to put yourself out there. I know it hard when you’re tired, and you’re working/commuting, but it’s the only way you’ll meet people.

Volunteer for the PTA, offer to run a stall at the school Christmas bazaar, text some Mum’s of DC’s friends and invite them round or arrange a play date, start a new hobby or get chatting to the Mum’s at some of DC’s extra curricular activities. Do you go to church? That’s a good way of meeting people. You just have to keep smiling, keep trying and it will come together.

So it’s a small private school. No PTA. I do have play dates but the mums seem to see it as a break or can’t stay as they are ferrying other kids around. I’ve never been invited to join a play date either. During the week I can’t often do after school stuff due to my job. I did try and arrange a drink, a few people said they could make it and then a few days before most people dropped out. I wouldn’t join a church as I’m not religious

I always make friends at any gyms I’ve joined, is this an option?

I could. But to be honest I’ve never made a friend in any gym I’ve gone to. I went regularly pre covid ( have a peloton now) so not sure it would change now.

You've just got to make an effort ... what are you interested in? We've moved a lot and I just join things ... volunteering, WI, I do go to church which you say is not for you ... what about local politics? Book Club? Don't just assume you need to make 'mum friends' .

Do you and DH do things together?

You’re absolutely right. I tried the WI. They are full. No space. There are 2 groups, one meets in the evening and one in the afternoon which is out.. I thought about a running club but they meet on a day when I’m in London each week. I will look for a book club. I’m just finding it very disheartening.

its hard to do things together as we need a babysitter but I also don’t want to rely on him. I need my own friends. I’ve always had them in the past but they all live in London or further away now.

For mum friends i would invite a few of them and their kids who know yr dc for a childrens activity/ coffee n cake / wine afternoon .
break the ice .. but make it clear its a staying afternoon ..
make links that way .. go from there .. form a babysitting circle .. then do events together.. we did this ..
go to a pottery painting cafe or something together.. n chat .. it normally takes time to make relationships..
what about night classes with like minded people .. dressmaking, art, meditation .. keep going .. its a numbers game .. you can do it !

I’ve been there OP.

sometimes it’s just luck - or lack of it.

so don’t beat yourself up.

also, don’t give up. Keep arranging things/looking for stuff to do on the days you’re available.

I agree about the gym being no place to make friends, but maybe try a hobby group. If it’s something you enjoy, you won’t care if you make friends or not, but it’ll give you a focus and it just gets you out there.

I’ve managed to make friends after a period of feeling just like you. It kind of happened by chance- met a couple of nice people and ended up in a wider group.

just keep trying new things, keep being sociable and something will stick.

think it also happens faster when you’re not dwelling on it.

Have you looked on Meet Up to see what local groups/arranged events are you could join? There's usually lots of friendly people looking for company just like you.

Thank you. I have hope it’ll happen but it feels very lonely right now. I’ve sent a message to see if anyone wants to meet for a Christmas drink. Had one response which I guess is progress… I think I really need to make more effort in 2023. I had a great network when I left London and I’ve found it so hard to establish a new one here. It’s a smaller town and I’m an outsider. There aren’t really any Meet-ups here. It’s a small town and don’t seem to have anything. I’m not brave enough yet to start my own. I feel that everyone has a relationship with the older sibling parents and therefore don’t put any effort into this year group. Or maybe the mums just don’t like me.. I think I’ve totally knocked my confidence and making friends in your 40s is really hard

You have to make a wide effort at first and stick at it until you make friends and be able to scale back some of the stuff you only did to make friends.

It doesn't have to be mums from school. Join a local tennis club or netball team. Invite the neighbours for Christmas drinks. Set up a book club. Help at the Brownies or Scouts. If your DC has a friend they play with a lot, invite them over for a weekend playdate a couple of times, and then invite their whole family over for a BBQ.

I get it op. I moved a few months before the first lockdown and I’ve never established friendships in my new area. To be honest, I haven’t put myself out there and I’ve almost lost interest in bothering now. I’ve taken up some hobbies, but they are pretty solitary - painting, piano, walking.
I wfh, so no opportunities there either.
I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not, I’ve made my peace with it now. I still have friends back in my home town, so it’s not as though I’m totally friendless.

Invite the mum's for coffee and cake while the kids play. Actually make a point of the mum invite being the focus of the invite, with the kids playing while you catch up.

The point is that they all have older siblings and the mums are often doing other things with siblings so it never works and I’ve never been invited to stay either so I just don’t think it’s a done thing. I know it doesn’t have to be just mums so I’ll have to look elsewhere and make my peace with not having mum friends. I find that hard though as I need support as a mum too. Reassurance, help, advice!

Just keep trying ... I was an older mum (42) and of course a lot of the 'mums' were younger than me but it didn't mean we couldn't be friends. But even in a small town (I live in one myself) there will be groups and organisations to join ... you might not make lots of friends immediately but you will be busy and doing something you enjoy.

Try and make a beeline for any mums who don’t have older kids and arrange a play date at a local park or something so you can chat? It’s hard making grown up friends! You can do it though :)

I found that about 1/3 - 1/2 of the kids had a sibling either 2 years older or 2 years younger, (private school even more so, no idea of it was a coincidence or not!) so yes, a lot of the mum's have already got a friendship group from knowing the mum's from their first children. But that's not everyone (even if it feels like that!).

Thank you. I will keep trying. I moved in 2020 so two years on its starting to get to me now. I feel very lonely and sad. I’m quite an natural extrovert so this has hit me hard. I think I also feel distanced from my friends in London who I am still in touch with but much less close now I’ve moved so I feel exposed on both sides. I think it’s even harder when your confidence is low. You don’t want to look desperate

Same here, we moved from Los Angeles to Pittsburgh in November 2019 and I had dd2 in February 2020. I was planning to do baby groups etc but obviously that didn't work out!

It took me most of 3 years to make friends in Los Angeles and that was without covid.

As pp have said you just have to keep trying different things and seeing if anything sparks. And you have to do it in the minder that you're not particularly expecting any given occasion to be the one that clicks. Just have to stay open to new opportunities.

It's especially hard if you have very little time, and a commute. Even if you do make a friend it takes frequent regular interaction to develop, grow and maintain a friendship. Do you even have time for it?

People can be so unwelcoming, can’t they?

I’m sure it’s not intentional, but think people are very blinkered. I’d like to think I’d always make an effort to include people, but maybe everyone is basically lazy about making new friends.

are you now too far from London to consider meet ups there? I think the churn of London makes people more open to meeting new people.

Late to the party, been mulling this over.

I don't think it's always as simple as keep trying or try harder here. You can try all you want but if you don't find the right people there's not a lot you can do. Maybe it's against the grain but in my experience you sometimes need to stop trying to protect your mental health from a battering.

My biggest regret about my friendless period is that I didn't give up sooner and spend more time on my own hobbies. If you're more extrovert it might be a better option to conserve your time and energy and focus on going back to London to catch up with old friends.