To be upset at dh comment

[Stressetothemax]

Nc just incase its outing and sorry in advance for the long post
My 13 year dd recently got the all clear from cancer, it has been an extremely hard long year while we went through treatment, this included travelling to 3 different hospitals for treatment, 1 being 150 miles away from home, another 100 miles.

Now I'm totally thankful and relieved that the treatment is over but it has affected me in so many ways, I wake up several times a night because of the very vivid dreams.

I was lucky enough that our main hospital (100 miles away from us) has a fantastic team that looks after the health of the parents as well as the children, so I was speaking to a councillor based there, mostly over the phone. Unfortunately she has decided to leave so I was referred to our local hospital to see the psychologist who actually specialises in oncology trauma and I saw him yesterday. The appointment went as well as it could.

I came home emotionally drained from it all. My dh asked me how it went, I tried explaining that I didn't feel able at the precise time to talk about it but I will open up to him as soon as I felt I could.

He then turned around and said that surly as treatment is over I should be over it all, its not like dd is in hospital and treatment is over. I was totally shocked and didn't know how to respond so just walked away. I wish I could just be over it, I wish I didn't have the flashbacks and I wish I hadn't watched our dd fight for her life on more then 1 occasion.
I've hardly spoken to him since as I'm angry that he could even think like that, I just don't know what to say to him to get him to understand it's not me living in the past, it my mind and I can't switch it off, now matter how hard I try.

You should be over it all? Crikey, there is not emotionally aware and then there is your husband! I hope he is normally more supportive.

He is obviously wrong.

I wonder if he needs support with his own experiences. The whole "should be over it" thing shows a real lack of being in touch with feelings.

That was a horribly insensitive thing to say to you and you are definitely not being unreasonable in feeling upset. I also wonder if it's a sign that he is struggling to process his emotions about the experience. So many men have been told to "man up", "stop being a big girl's blouse" etc that it does seem to have bedded in.

YANBU to be upset, but some people are honestly just wired this way.

My husband and I have both lost a parent each (admittedly at different times). He honestly cannot fathom why I'm still grieving 4 months later so his emotional support for me can be quite strained at times...because he really thinks I should be over it and moving on with my life.

I suspect your husband is the same/similar and now the cancer is done with, there's no point on dwelling on the emotional side of things - what he clearly doesn't understand is that you're not dwelling, you're experiencing emotional trauma from what you've been through.

You can try spelling this out to him, and making it clear that his lack of understanding in this area is genuinely making it harder for you to make positive in-roads with how you're feeling and that will ultimately affect your relationship. Hopefully he'll listen and respond, if he doesn't that's something else you'll sadly need to face into and make a decision about.

Wishing your daughter the very best of health and you tonnes of support.

Oh my love. You’ve been through the wringer! Of course it’s perfectly normal what you’re going though. I’m pleased your daughter has had the all clear. Do you think he’s trying not to dwell on it because it was such a ghastly time, and maybe worded it badly? I’m not making excuses, just putting forward a possibility. Hope it improves for you soon. 💐

My son had brain cancer as a baby, (thankfully ok now age 15). But it took me years to be able to talk about it. My husband was the same. It was such an awful and emotional time in our lives and extremely traumatic for both of us.
We still don't really talk about it now, as we feel we don't want to revisit the painful memories.

Sending love and support to you both.

He should be more supportive and understand you handle things differently but maybe that's his way of handling it. To put it in a box and mark it as done.

I think it's just a different way of dealing with it, not necessarily wrong, just different and hard for him to see then where you're coming from.. Maybe find someone else to share with if you need to or tell he's only to ask you about it if he genuinely is able to listen.. Some people just can't take on too much, he might want to move on and forget so it's about not being hurt if he's dealing with it differently and finding a way to accept your differences.

DH is your DD's father? If so, he is justified to have an opinion on the situation. Maybe he is hurting as well but processes trauma differently. Maybe he felt, had you been able to tell him how your session went, he would have found some peace that you were on the road to healing.

So sorry for what you've been through as a family, wishing your daughter health and happiness. Yes it was insensitive of him to say that. You don't just get over it at the click of fingers.

Yes he is dd dad, he's never been one to show emotions and has always seemed to be able to move on quicker then I even have at anything that has happened in our lives.
I think a lot of it is because he wasn't able to do most of the hospital stays, daughters choice as she needed help doing everything and I mean everything, going to the toilet, having a wash and eating so she didn't feel comfortable having her dad with her during the stays. So I would be the one in hospital with dd everytime, he also still had to work (I was on unpaid leave so he had to carry on to pay the bills) and take care of the younger 2 dc. I obviously told him everything that was happening to dd but wouldn't always let on how bad things would get because I did want him worrying while being stuck 100 miles away from us and being able to do nothing to help.
I know this is probably why he doesn't know why I'm struggling so badly. I did try and talk to him last night but I'm finding it so hard to open up to anyone

You're coping differently. He just wants to put the past in a box where he doesn't need to revisit the pain and move forward. You understandably, and probably more healthily, need to process the trauma. Try not to think too badly of him, because I'm sure he genuinely doesn't understand. Could you persuade him to speak to someone too, if only so he could be encouraged to understand?

You’ve all been through and immensely difficult time and everyone processes trauma differently - if his behaviour was out of the ordinary for him then perhaps it is a sign that he is also struggling.

As for explaining it to him - a simple no frills “everyones brain works differently and while I wish it wasn’t the case I am still processing the traumatic events of our daughters illness - I know it’s maybe tough for you that I am struggling but it is out of my control and I am doing everything possible to help me move on and even if you can’t understand where I am at I would really love it if you could try and be supportive. Sometimes after a therapy appointment I am too drained to talk about it when I get home even though I do want to open up to you so please understand that the silence is not personal and I still need you”