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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be 100% truthful to work

31 replies

emevol · 10/11/2022 15:43

So, I've been working at my company for 1.5 years now.

My partner and I have been TTC for 2.5 years with no luck. My GP advised us last year to attempt to loose some weight since we were both very overweight - so we took action and both had gastric sleeve surgery earlier this year. This has been amazing for both of us, and the results we have got already are fantastic. 18st lost between us!
My employer was great about this, letting me attend appointments and have the time off that I needed after the surgery.

We have since been contacted as after a LONG wait, I am now at the top of the NHS fertility list. I've been on the waiting list for over 1.5 years.

Anyway. I'm at the top of the list now and I've already been sent 3 separate dates for upcoming tests and appointments. I've had 2 dr's appointments regarding infertility already this month, and now have another 3 to come (this month, too..)

I'm torn between being completely honest with my manager about why I'm going to be off so often this month (struggling with fertility and going for tests etc) or white-lying.

I'm worried that if I am honest about being tested for infertility and potential IVF in the near future, my company have a reason to keep me in mind for any redundancy etc in the future, as it means I'm going to be potentially needing maternity leave etc etc etc. i also don't want to be discriminated against in any other kind of way.

I don't KNOW that that's how they would react, but it's a worry of mine..

Has anybody else been in this situation? If so, how did you handle it with work?

Would you 'white lie' if this was you; or be completely honest about the reason for needing the time off?

Thanks in advance! Sorry it's a long question!

OP posts:

PBSam · 10/11/2022 15:44

You don't need to tell them why you want time off.

wibblewobbleball · 10/11/2022 15:45

Why does work need to know the reason? It's a medical apt so proceed as you usually would. In my work that would mean either to take time out and make sure my work was caught up with later, or to take leave.

Original poster

emevol · 10/11/2022 15:45

I forgot to add - the reason I'm worried about being honest and potentially being kept in mind for redundancies, is that the company is struggling currently and we have been advised that redundancy is a possibility in the near future.

OP posts:

Janedoe82 · 10/11/2022 15:48

I would just say it is a gynae issue and leave it at that.

Craver · 10/11/2022 16:04

You are being totally honest if you say you are attending for "medical investigations" it's not really anyone's business including your employer.
Good luck!

Mariposista · 10/11/2022 16:16

Just say you have a medical appointment and leave it there. They don’t need to know the ins and out.
Make contingency plans if you end up pregnant and without a job if your company is in danger.

KenCoff · 10/11/2022 16:20

I wouldn't tell them st this stage.Just say medical appointments.
Do you have flexitime? Some appointments will be 1st thing in morning so you could use flexitime to start later then wouldn't have to explain an absence

lanthanum · 10/11/2022 16:21

They might put two and two together anyway.

They're not allowed to discriminate against someone for reasons to do with maternity (I'm not entirely sure whether this includes pre-conception, but I suspect it could do). Of course, that doesn't stop companies finding other excuses to choose that person for redundancy, but they have to be careful that they have good enough reasons that you won't take them to tribunal for discrimination.

If they don't know what your medical appointments are for, they're safe from any discrimination claims (even if they've guessed). Once they are known to know, they might have to be a lot more careful. So it may better that they know officially than that they guess.

XmasElf10 · 10/11/2022 16:24

I'm a manager and I don't need to want to know the reason my team have medical appointments. If you are at all worried you can call it gynae but my lot just say "got to go see the Dr" and I say "ok!"

Original poster

emevol · 10/11/2022 16:26

Thanks all.

I have also actually been considering dropping a day at work. I do mon-fri currently but with all that's going on, I feel so stressed and down, I just feel like I need a breather. I'm very overwhelmed.

I was thinking about asking for this, too.. but feel so scared I'm going to appear to be the nightmare colleague / employee.

OP posts:

Mumoftwoinprimary · 10/11/2022 16:36

If you are at risk of redundancy then going down a day will reduce any payout that you get. (Might be none as there less than 2 years but worth checking.)

Original poster

emevol · 10/11/2022 16:41

Yep I have considered that. The payout is just a weeks worth of pay for each year you've been working..
So I'd be pretty bad off regardless I think.

OP posts:

eurochick · 10/11/2022 16:46

I would suggest a mix of annual leave and gynae appointments.

IVF can be pretty intensive. At one point I seemed to be having blood tests pretty much daily.

Original poster

emevol · 10/11/2022 16:48

I've got only 4 days annual leave left now until summer 23' as I had a long period of time off an AL for a holiday.. so that isn't even really an option.

This is becoming really stressful ☹️😭

OP posts:

tickticksnooze · 10/11/2022 16:52

Presumably the normal process for medical appointments is that either you book annual leave or you make the time up?

If you don't have AL left then you make the time up or negotiate for unpaid leave.

All work needs to be told is that you have a medical appointment. Maintaining your privacy is not "lying". You're overthinking.

tickticksnooze · 10/11/2022 16:53

Besides which, aren't you supposed to wait 12 months after that type of surgery before TTC?

OtterOnToast · 10/11/2022 16:53

Your employed sounds like they've already been very accommodating in allowing you precious time off as you've only been working there 18 months anyway

I probably would try and keep appointments to a minimum and offer to make up work - so yes, tell a white lie

Original poster

emevol · 10/11/2022 16:57

I've been given the all-clear to continue TTC by my GP. I've been lucky with my surgery and not got any complications / issues so I'm fine to continue.

Yes - employer has been really good with time off previously so I don't want to look to be taking the piss 😒😩

This is so important to me. I've been on the waiting list for a year and a half. I'm not prepared to give up now and not attend the appointments. I'm just not sure how best to go about it.

OP posts:

Dixiechickonhols · 10/11/2022 17:03

What’s your work Policy on sickness absence? I worked in one firm that drew distinction between types and elective wasn’t covered eg ivf, cosmetic surgery. So if you were lying about it to get sick pay when not eligible it would have been an issue. If it’s all same I’d be vague - investigations, gynae etc.

tickticksnooze · 10/11/2022 17:04

Ok, so what's their policy on medical appointments?

Dixiechickonhols · 10/11/2022 17:05

Can you buy additional leave or use some of leave for appointments - 4 days is 8 half days enough for 8 local appointments.

ItsaMetalBand · 10/11/2022 17:16

I never said anything but if I had to, I'd have lied. My supervisor would have 100% managed me out if she had known that I was trying for a baby. As it was she tried her best to lay me off after maternity and keep on the maternity cover. Stupid woman. So I was right about her. Management were horrified that she could have landed them in the labour court.

I managed to get most of my appointments at 8am and luckily it was very close to work or take an early /late lunch. The other ones I just took a half day or invented a GP appointment.

Even the best of employers can have management who see your pregnancy /motherhood journey as a personal affront and try to engineer how to get rid of you and while there are laws, they only go so far. So keep quiet until you are well out of the first trimester if you can.

Original poster

emevol · 10/11/2022 17:52

We don't get paid sick pay which is fine - but are on the Bradford Factor so I don't want to get to a level where I'm in for disciplinary meetings etc..

OP posts:

PanettoneMoly · 10/11/2022 18:07

I told a trusted manager about my IVF cycle and asked her to smooth the path with my line manager, to let him know I may be slightly late in/leave a bit early because of reasons I’d spoken through with her. I requested early morning appts for scans, tests etc, made up the lost time and took AL for egg collection & transfer.

But equally it didn’t cross my mind that I’d be discriminated against by being honest so I know I’m very lucky in that respect.

Blossom45 · 10/11/2022 18:19

When I had IVF, and the various investigations and other treatment prior, I told my boss that I’d be having medical treatment that I didn’t want to go into but would require me to be unavailable/at appointments x,y,z/sometimes last minute. I was lucky as I have flex so could work around it relatively easily. I would suggest having a convo with your boss around flexible working arrangements if possible. If fertility treatments aren’t covered in your sickness allowance (they weren’t in my case), I would not use sick days to cover it as you will very quickly use up a lot of days.

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