Why do SMs seem to struggle much more than SDs?

[Laneyy]

I've seen this quite a lot on MN and in real life. SMs struggling with non RP SCs visiting/staying they might come stay EOW or a couple of nights a week. SDs don't seem to complain as much and the SC are resident so there the vast bulk of the time. They do school pick ups, drop offs. What's the cause of it? Is it biological jealousy? Unable to bond , different pressures ?

SDs don't seem to complain as much
Mumsnet is overwhelmingly women. So statistically we're looking at a vastly different sample size.
Secondly there's an assumption that women should be motherly. So SDs often (based on my own small pool of friends and family) seem to get more of a free pass on what they're expected to do because they're not only not expected to be motherly, but also usually shacking up with someone who will do the mothering. Not always the case but often, IME.

I have never complained about SD coming to stay but I would 100% prefer she was with us all the time (obviously this will never happen, I just mean in an ideal hypothetical world).

You can't get into a proper routine, rules are different between houses etc. so it's never going to be straight forward. People cope differently with changes, some find it more challenging than others.

Versus if she was resident with us, it's our routine, our rules, everyone knows where they stand. Plus few people do 50:50 so a resident SD will have more opportunity to bond than a SM will.

Just my thoughts!

I always tend to suspect biological jealousy. The vast majority of SMs complaints are usually regarding stepdaughters too.

Unhappy step dads fuck off.
Unhappy step mums try harder.

Stereotypically speaking.
Mum's look after their own kids. Don't try to palm it off on anyone. So step-dads aren't expected to do anything other than coexist. When SDs are having trouble with kids it's because they don't like coexisting with them, sharing food, space, hearing them, having insane rules for behaviour.

Whereas dad's expect their partners to take on the parenting role of their children from the get go. So step-mums, or even just girlfriends are expected to do school run, feed everybody, do everyone's washing.

So essentially expectations of women caring for children that aren't theirs are much higher than of men.

What do you mean by biological jealousy?

That the man has had children with someone else. I know someone who complains about her SD do much she only comes to stay once a fortnight and a teen so doesn't need much looking after. Her younger DD lives there full time and her DP is always taking her to school pick up, making her dinner. He doesn't complain about his SD.

Different pressures.

Step-mums do the majority of the work looking after all the kids, especially the mental load and picking up the slack when things go wrong, like sickness.

Step-dads have wives for all that.

I know, Not All Men …

Because if you have a vagina it's assumed that you will love and treasure all children at any opportunity.

2 days a fortnight thought ? It can't be that difficult Vs being a RP to SC.

Different expectations. And you sound like you’ve got issues with one “friend” and are using it as a way of slagging off step mums as a group. Yuck.

I think mums generally do more than dads (so stepdads do less than stepmums) and have lower expectations of new partners.
I suspect that stepdads are more likely to leave sooner than stepmums too.

It's not due to jealousy.

I think it's due to higher societal expectations of step-mums. They are expected to be defacto mothers when it suits the bio parents. So many post on MN about having to cook and clean for step-children.

There are much lower expectations for step-dads.

I think there are loads of reasons, but a RL that I’ve noticed is mums tend to walk away quite early on if there appears to be any resentment from SD towards their children.
They view themselves and DC as a package deal.

Dads don’t appear to notice the little resentments and slights and will stay in a relationship where their DC are not 100% welcome, don’t see it as a package deal.

These are generalisations, I know some parents just don't out their child first.

Dads don’t appear to notice the little resentments and slights and will stay in a relationship where their DC are not 100% welcome,

Yes, or when they do "notice", it's only to the extent that the child "doesn't like" the stepmother or isn't positive enough towards her (I don't mean rude or negative, just not overly friendly, most kids are no good at pretending enthusiasm and love) and they're inclined to blame it on the mother 'setting the child up against the stepmum' rather than that actually the stepmother's making the child feel unwelcome. The effect is that the child's relationship with the father also suffers, because the child feels/is unsupported by the father.

I'm not convinced of the premise. It's likely there are more stepmothers than stepfathers posting on MN just because it's more marketed toward women (although I'm not sure MNHQ collects stats on this - I've never been asked my sex by them).

But there are often posts about stepdads who aren't coping well. There's one right now about a son who's come home from university depressed and possibly suicidal and the stepdad (who has moved into the mum's house and doesn't pay rent) is insisting the son stay at a hotel so his own preteen daughters don't have to share a room.

All of the things others have said (besides the thick stuff about SMs just being jealous of their SDs that totally ignores all the very real issues faced).

But I'd also add that Step dad's are usually dating RPs, and you'd most likely run a mile before doing that if you weren't really at happy with it all. It's much more likely that you'd underestimate how many struggles could arise from dating someone that only has their kid EOW.

The tone on this thread isn't particularly set up for genuinely empathising with step parents though, I have to say.

A lot of people here don't really want to consider that perspective and are predisposed to judge. It's not going to welcome opinions from Step parents to come on to loads of comments from people that aren't step parents trying to tell them how they feel (and usually getting it wrong). Those opinions need taking with a pinch of salt because they don't actually know what they're talking about, they're guessing.

Indeed. Or worse, adult step children who have an axe to grind and gleefully kick any woman who’s a step mum and might not “love them like her own”…

Or, does love them like her own but shouldn’t. Who spends her money on the DSC thereby showing mum up. Or doesn’t and is a cheap hateful cow.

So many options to choose from!

The stepmum is in a relationship with the father. Not a good start. I doubt the stepdad has to put up with a lazy partner who makes him parent her kids for her.

Then add to that, the stepdad doesn’t get anywhere near as much aggro from the ex husband as the stepmum does from the ex wife. If the exh was cheeky enough to expect the stepdad to pick the dsc up on his days, he would be told to fuck off by the ex wife/stepdad and the stepdad gets to carry on with his day. The poor stepmum wouldn’t hear the end of it though from the ex wife and there would be lots of talk about how the kids come first etc..

Stepdads don’t have to put up with silly favouritism of the stepchildren by his in laws. Nor would his wife allow any of her children from either of her marriages be treated differently by her parents. But this seems to be a big problem when it comes to the dad’s parents and favouritism.
I don’t know what it is. It’s weird. I think the dad and his parents care too much about not upsetting the older children and/or the father doesn’t have a back bone to tell his parents to treat all of his children the same. The stepmum sees all of this unfolding and yes it does lead to resentment.

Those are a few points I can think of at the top of my head. But even those alone are enough to widen the gap between stepmum and stepdad. They are completely different.

The tone on this thread isn't particularly set up for genuinely empathising with step parents though, I have to say.

Added to that it is worth considering the history of the law and society's imposition of gender roles on people.

You are aware that some fathers are still questioned and some case interrogated by healthcare professionals and teachers when they turn up to deal with their child's healthcare and education? There as a woman even though she is clearly not the child's mother isn't?

Societal. Women are still being seen as the caretakers regardless of circumstances. Let’s also not forget the “evil stepmother” tropes that young children grow up with. Stepfathers do not have the same expectations and views placed on them that Stepmothers do. If a stepdad
didn’t want to spend some time with his stepchildren, it is shrugged at by many but if a stepmother doesn’t, she is seemingly a horrible person and asked why did she get with a man with kids. Men seem to be applauded for stepping up to raise a stepchild, while stepmothers need to know their place, be mind readers, and automatically love the children as their own.

Men seem to be applauded for stepping up to raise a stepchild, while stepmothers need to know their place, be mind readers, and automatically love the children as their own.

Oh and a man stepping up just needs to ensure the step-child has somewhere to sleep and something to eat when the step-child is with them. He isn't expected to do hands on day-to-day care with his step-child as that's for his female partner to do.

SM here. I carry most of the mental load of our household and so when SC hit teenage years and it's Thursday evening and you don't know how many people you're expected to cater for on Friday night it's frustrating. When you don't know by what time you'll find out it's frustrating.

When you live in a home with EOW contact and you witness your SC saying "no" to anything DH says because aged 14 she's made up all the rules and the ex wife is high conflict with your DH so you can't check if no bedtime applies on a Friday night and phones are allowed unmonitored 24/7 it's frustrating.

When as a foresighted female you know this will lead to them staying awake until 4am, wanting to sleep until midday then screaming at the whole house because they're over tired it's frustrating.

When you now realise that Saturday night will now also be high tension because of all the above it's frustrating.

When the SC starts holding a gun to your DH's head on whether she will or won't be coming because she might have better plans it's more frustrating. When the utter entitled shite phrases start kicking in "I'll come on Saturday if you take me to Nando's" or "only if we go to Wagamamas" it's whole new levels of annoying. Extra points if your DH says yes even though your household budget doesn't stretch to that.

I could go on. Add to this the expectation that SM's will love this batshit madness "like their own" but don't you dare express an opinion in front of or about the SC because "won't someone just think of the children".

All of that and I think I'm yet to see a SD post on here about EOW contact. It's not dadsnet

Because women end up doing all the childcare? Because men often remarry so that they don't have to? Because stepdads are treated like heroes for taking on 'another man's children'?