Dd birthday

[SmartCar]

Has anyone ever done the whole not getting their DC gifts for birthday or Xmas because of behaviour? Or did your parents do it to you?

DD is 12 and has been a nightmare the past 2 weeks. Punched a hole in the door. Punching me. Every 2nd word out her mouth is a swear word. Kicking her brothers. Brought home by police for threatening a friend she fell out with and Vaping the list is endless. Punishments don't seem to work.
I've spoken to school in case there is issues there but they say she's fine getting on well.
I've rang places to try get help for anger management and therapy. We live in the arse end of no where though so it's hard.
Her birthday is next week and I just don't feel like buying her anything I know it's harsh.

If her behaviour dosent change then aibu to get her nothing for her birthday?

I genuinely believe the worse they act the more they need you. The behaviour comes from confusion, anger and disconnection. Ignoring a birthday would just reinforce that. They need to know they’re lovable despite everything and will always be your child. Punishments won’t work they just reinforce the feelings of unhappiness. I’m not saying you’re the cause of their upset and disconnection just be careful to not make it worse. Maybe use the birthday to have one to one time to reconnect and put the negativity to one side and remember how much you love each other.

I know she holds it together while at school then it all comes crashing out when she's at home.
Maybe a trip to cinema and some treats? She wants an ipad which I can't justify while she behaves like this.

If she’s 12 and it’s been a sudden change I’d be moving heaven and earth to find out why the fuck this had happened. Not threatening to not buy her gifts

If you don't buy her anything, she'll have another reason to hate you and teenagers are good at keeping score. I wouldn't go down that route at all.

I'd perhaps scale back a bit at the most. But, it sounds like you want her behaviour to change. Working on that is the key here, and punishment in the form of ruining a birthday won't have the effect you want.

Yeah I'm probably just in the thick of it and can't see the woods for the trees so to say. I'm trying to find out. Her behaviour has always been challenging but this is something else atm.

I agree with others that she needs your support and love here, especially if it's a sudden change.

The one thing I would say though is perhaps don't buy anything expensive she could easily sell.

She will always remember that birthday she was really struggling, and you punished her by not even getting her presents. She needs you, she needs help, I no it’s tough I wouldn’t do this, it’s not going to make anything better is it.

Last Christmas my daughter wanted a scooter, was with hubby when he purchased it. She then refused to stay in school. When she walked out we called her and told her to go back or she wouldn't be getting her scooter, she told us where to go. Sold scooter and she got a pair of slippers as her main Xmas present x

If this behaviour is recent it could be considered a logical consequence, to repair the damage done to home you’ve had to use money set aside for her birthday gifts.

How is your daughter doing now? Did the slippers cure everything?

I'd try and give her a nice birthday, but I wouldn't be getting her a phone/iPad or anything else she could sell/smash/access the internet with.

Would she like her room decorated/new accessories? That could be a nice project you could do together, but still giving her something nice. You could also acknowledge that she's growing up etc. and she needs a more grown up space.

Give her a lovely birthday, quality time nice treats.
She probably needs to know she's loved now more than ever xx

It sounds really hard but I can only imagine that ignoring her birthday will only make things worse not better. Even though you're not going to enjoy celebrating with her as you feel she doesn't deserve it, as her parent I think you dont have a choice

Yeah I thought I was unreasonable for even thinking it. Will try and speak to her again when she gets in from school. Decorating her room actually sounds like a good idea thank you. Think a few treats and a cinema trip for her bday will suffice

That sounds really sensible - rewarding her with your presence not with big presents, but to give some small thoughtful gifts and spend time together. If she mentions the iPad maybe be open to that being a Christmas present if you can work together to make family life more peaceful.