Kids have been ill off and on for a month or so, with spells of us grownups being ill ourselves. When DP is ill and miserable I tend to relieve him of duties where I can (I'd like this to be because I am a kind person, but actually it's because I am knackered and can summon zero patience for his aura of tragedy when he's poorly - sighing, groaning, face in his hands etc - so it's better all round if he's out of my sight so I don't get irritated at him and start a row). He does not return the favour.
Trying to night wean youngest at the moment, which theoretically DP is on board with helping with by going in to her when she wakes at night, but in practice he is useless on no sleep, gets 'anxious' that he isn't going to have any sleep, and generally makes such a meal of it that I end up taking over (again so as to avoid just losing my rag at him and telling him that I haven't slept a night through in almost 2 years, why the fuck can't he manage without moaning for ONE NIGHT etc - none of which would be helpful!).
Work 4 days pw have the baby on the other day - so does DP.
To be fair to him, he does a lot around the house, more than me probably, but I di much more of the childcare - when we're both in the house, by default he is bustling around 'doing things' and I am manning the kids. He will just walk out of a room and start doing whatever, whereas that's just not something I do - and if I do, the kids will follow me and get in my way and he just lets this happen until it becomes impossible for me to, for example, cook the dinner or take the laundry down or whatever. But if you were comparing what he's achieved in a day to what I have, his list would look impressive - pegged out the laundry, did the shopping list, done the shopping, cleaned the car, fixed such and such a broken thing, swept out the fire, cooked the dinner - and mine would look like nothing because all I do all day is wrangle the kids.
So I have a constant guilty feeling I'm not doing enough/my fair share, and therefore can't complain that I feel like I never ever get a break, or any kind of practical support with the kids that doesn't come with a massive side order of moaning and theatrics, or any emotional support of any kind at all.
He did say last time he was ill and I told him to go to bed and I'd get the children down and tidy up after dinner, he said a bit shamefaced "you never need to take time out when you're ill" - and I wanted to scream "because I CAN'T, can I? How would that even work?". Any time I ask for backup or support or a break it always ends up being far more trouble than it's worth. He doesn't even stop them following me to the shower! So in what world could I say "I'm ill, I need a break" and actually GET a break?
OK rant over. Almost.
I don't really have anyone I feel I can talk to/moan at to relieve the pressure; No family support so can't get a break from the kids that way; I'm so so tired all the time but I just can't stop doing anything I'm doing, I can't get a break, I have to keep going, and try not to lose my fucking temper with the DP who to be fair is probably doing the very best he can and was upfront with me about the fact he does not enjoy the baby bit when we decided to have a second child.
Advice on how to survive please? Deep cleansing breaths not really cutting it at the moment, I need some way to just endure the night weaning exhaustion and stop giving in and bf just to secure a little bit of broken sleep - I need to dig deep and power through for the reward of better sleep afterwards but I am just running on fumes and don't know if there is any deeper to dig!
Just sat at the desk staring into space today, work piling up but my brain is just refusing to fire into action, I started trying to do a pretty basic task and just burst into tears because I'm SO TIRED nothing makes any sense!