I try so hard with Friendships but get nothing back

[JimmyKrankie]

It's making me depressed and tearful. It's affecting my marriage because I'm starting to feel down.
I try so hard with friends. I remember Birthdays/Special events, am there for them when things go wrong etc, but nobody remembers me. I try to arrange a day out, lunch meet-up, invite them over to our house with partners, but they always seem to have busy lives and don't make any effort to fit me in. (All in their 40s so their kids are older).
I have 2 sister in laws who are very close and go for the type of days out that they know I'd enjoy too (afternoon tea, farm shop, lunch and cocktails) but they have never once asked me along too even though they take other friends. (I've arranged things that involve them and am also doing a Christmas Eve get together.)

I have 2 step daughters who are older now with their own homes and partners. I spent the majority of their teens cooking for them, making sure Birthday's were nicely celebrated (decorating the house up, lovely gifts etc as their Mum wasn't great) but we have never been invited over to their homes for one lunch! They regularly ring their Dad and are close with him, but if anything ever happened to him, I'm pretty sure I'd never hear from them again.

I'm feeling paranoid. What's wrong with me. I've always been a happy, funny person, but its affecting me. I'm wondering if it's me or other people. Nobody seems to make any effort and I'm starting to look like a loser constantly trying. All I want is friends/to feel wanted rather than pushed aside and non important. I feel invisible.

Anyone else feel this way?

Stop doing nice things to try and earn friendship, and just be nice because it’s nice to be nice. You come across as terribly needy, and that makes people want to steer clear of you. Get alongside people and do things together - hobbies, activities, interests - without trying so hard to make friends, and friendships will grow naturally.

I get it. I have always felt I was the one making all the running. A work colleague that I considered a friend and I took voluntary early retirement at around the same time. Last year around October I emailed her and suggested a catch up before Christmas. She replied saying that wouldn’t be possible as she wouldn’t be up to it and that she thought she would hibernate, and suggested a catch up in the spring instead. I know she has some health problems so thought fair enough and emailed her back saying that a spring catch up would be lovely. But lo and behold she was tagged on Facebook in early December out with a group of other former colleagues. I was quite upset. I’ve seen her tagged again out with friends but she has never contacted me and I feel I just can’t be arsed any more.

I find this harsh and rather victim blaming. . It’s a sad reflection on society if we can only make friends if we come across as not needing friendship.

I have been trying to make new friends post covid because my closest friend is moving away and she's also got a new bf just moved in so too busy for me anyway. I was on peanut, asking for school meet up with no luck which was getting me down. I have decided to stop trying so hard as like you if was making me tearful.

One day I just woke up and thought I'm going to stop trying so hard. I feel better for it. I'm going to try to reconnect with other friends then maybe look on meet up in the new year.

Taking time out for myself right now is making me happier than fretting over friends. I do feel that lots of people nowadays are too busy to invest in friends, even though I only really want someone to go for coffee or a drink once a month and a chat on messenger every few days.

Stop trying and be yourself, independent, living your own life. Enjoy yourself and you will be a far more attractive personality. People pleasers are never really popular.

Needy? I would just like friendship is all, but if that makes me needy, maybe I am!

I've just accepted that people are not very good at this stuff and I'm the one doing most of the arranging. I used to worry if it was something about me but I noticed that friends always seem genuinely happy and grateful for me to arrange a meet up, but I have accepted it may not get 'returned'. I think a lot of people feel too awkward about it having been 'too long' and I felt that too sometimes but I did it anyway and noticed people were glad to hear from me. I don't see any of my mates very often, but that's adult life for you (and also me, to some extent,as I don't tend to have super close friendships)

(Huge generalisations, and based on my observations, but...) I think there has been a general change in friendship dynamics and openness to new friendships post-covid.

People, on the whole, seem more insular and happier to be at home by themselves and just aren't invested in creating new friendships as much, or maintaining the ones they're not so fussed by. Cynically, I can see that the friendships that are thriving are ones that are based on transactional worth (eg lifts, childcare), or are situational (eg work, school gate cliques).

I've noticed it within my children's social circles too. Everything seems to have shrunk. In particular the desire to initiate and put effort into forming friendships.

I think another part of this is the general despair people are feeling over the state of the government, country and world. If you can only afford one night out a month or so, then of course you're going to prioritise. In times of general optimism and peace people are more friendly and open, but we're in really uncertain and stressful times. It makes many people more selfish.

I'm hoping I'm right, and things will improve as (hopefully and eventually) the general mood improves, because the alternative is that I am just generally unlikeable. I may be biased but I don't think that's the case.

It’s not you! Well maybe it is, but I’m in the same boat and I’m reluctant to accept it’s me. I think I’m fun and not needy but I’m struggling with friendships since moving away from my home town.

My theory is a. most people can’t be arsed to invest in a new friendship when they already have established friends and/or family living locally. b. I’ve noticed that even with my own established friends and family that they have got a lot more self absorbed in the last couple of years and there is very much an attitude of “if it inconveniences me in any way, I’m not doing it” all dressed up as self-care and not being a “people pleaser”.

I’ve given up trying to make new friends now. If it happens, I’ll be sodding delighted but currently my mad dog is my best friend which is lame but at least she’s always happy to see me and hang out.

I’m really sorry OP, anyone who tries to be nice and does nice things for people who don’t reciprocate are called needy on here. It’s not necessarily true it’s just a mumsnet mantra to make them feel better for being the non-reciprocating friend.

Step back from the people you already know. Don’t try so hard so they won’t take advantage of you when they need you and ignore you when they don’t.

I find lots of smaller social interactions fulfill a social need that in my younger days would have been days out with lunch. From these I’m finding a nice group of friends I’d never have really thought I’d have been friends with before. We all laugh about being the social outcasts but they’re all lovely, as I’m sure you are too!

I hear you.

pre pandemic I was one of life’s givers and I did so much for so many but when I needed something everyone was too busy (which happens sometimes and can’t be helped but not every time!)

Now I have stopped being Mrs Oh I’ll help no one bothers their arse with me

Sometimes I feel deeply sad about it and others Im just glad I’m not exhausted from spending all my energy on others and investing in things that benefit me instead.

I had no idea how much money I spent trying to facilitate friendships

I moved to a new area and joined a lovely group of friends - they were very welcoming. I noticed another lady who was a little pushed to the side so to speak. Not included much and I could see she really wanted to be part of the group. I said to myself ‘not on my watch!’ and started spending a lot of my time with her. At her place or mine, going out for meals and walks. Well, as soon as she got more comfortable she started putting me down a lot. My appearance, what I ate, what and how much I drank (I drink rarely and never went beyond being tipsy, but she tried to suggest I had a problem because I wasn’t matching her small glass of wine mixed with water). My hair was ‘cringe’ as were my trousers ‘You are so brave, I would never wear that cut because you have to be in great shape to look good’, ‘I can never shop where you shop, their smallest size is loose on me’ etc etc. I had to stop our ‘friendship’ and she spent months messaging me and asking to reconnect. Never, good riddance.

I’m sure it’s nothing like that with you, but some people are being pushed away for a reason.

I've got a point where I have different friends for different things - I love cycling so I have my cycling friends but don't talk about cycling in great depth to my other friends as they aren't that interested - they are more of a go out and just have a laugh (no serious talk). Then I have the one friend who I can share everything with.

Maybe try making friends from your hobbies and have a wider circle of friends that way.

That sounds really hurtful no wonder you are questioning yourself. Those people are not your friends and don't see your value. Stop investing in them and find others otherwise it's going to further bring you down. What other opportunities have you got to meet new people? Can you start spending time doing stuff that you enjoy? And meet people through that.

Don’t expect anything back, you should do nice things because you want too. No a favour returned!

If you have similar issue with your friends and step children then there must be a reason. I wonder if you could ask a friend to give you honest feedback.

like above - just be yourself, stop people pleasing and expecting return of favours. Consider doing new hobbies, meeting new friends and travelling.

I understand OP. It IS hurtful. I have to say my old friends are pretty good and thoughtful when it comes to being good friends. However, we moved to a city 10 years ago and have found it extremely difficult to make friends. There are loads of people we know through work etc who seem like they want to be friends. They suggest meeting up. We've made a real effort, inviting colleagues and other parents or neighbours round, hosting dinners afternoon teas, remembering birthdays etc. But we get nothing back!! No one ever invited us to theirs, no one ever seems to remember we exist. Basically no one can be bothered with us.
I think it's partly age - people are very sociable in their 20s but become less and less sociable as the years go by. It's also just the fact people are different. When you're in our situation it's easy to dwell on it and have this victim mentality "Oh poor me, I try so hard and no one likes me". My DH pointed out that most people aren't like me. He said I'm naturally thoughtful and I get great pleasure from buying gifts, cooking for people etc. He said most people don't! Most people don't like hosting, most people can't be bothered or just forget. Most people are busy, stressed and its just yet another thing they have to do.
My DH talked some sense in to me. I now only give for the sake of giving. Because I want to give (or cook for people or whatever). I never expect anything back. I have very low expectations of other people so I'm never disappointed in them!

Hi OP. I completely understand that you feel upset by this. However, I think the problem sometimes lies when you start to feel that what you want out of a friendship is for the friends to "friend" in a similar or equal way to you, or at least in a way that you feel "acknowledging" of your friendship.
I realise that this might seem odd, because generally speaking we obviously want friendships to not be completely one sided, but what I mean is that, when you start noticing the imbalance, it sours the whole relationship, and you begin focusing on that. You then start to feel paranoid about things and yourself as a person, which does no one any good.
My advice, as others have said, is to find companionship where you participate as an equal, for example as part of a hobby or club. You can enjoy people's company in a relaxed way and stop feeling second best and hopefully you can gain closer friendships from there too.

I'm the same and it sucks so no advice but ur not alone

This is phrased quite harshly but I think there's some truth in this.

It sounds as if you're just trying too hard with them. You need to back off a bit and chill about it. It may come across as a little desperate.

The thing about genuine friendships is that they are not a meritocracy: you either like people or you don't and while friends do consider and help one another, buying gifts, remembering birthdays etc don't entitle you to friendship. It may make people feel guilty or obliged and that's not a comfortable basis for friendship. A true friendship is relaxing and comfortable, it's not simply a case of reciprocating nice gestures.

You sound quite over-invested in this, which is understandable, but I think you would probably find if you relax and try to worry about it less people will actually warm to you more.

How picky are you with the people you choose as friends? I know a lot of people but I only consider a few of them to be friends - those are people that I really click with, who make me feel good. It takes quite a long time to build up that kind of friendship IME - it's a bit like building a romantic relationship, it won't always work, sometimes you find something out about the person that means it fails, they move away, they get too busy whatever. It has to be consciously about that other person and how you connect with them, not just a generic friendship. If you really want it to work, you might have to put a lot of effort in at first - if the person never reciprocates then you might need to move on but IME it often just takes time to build up a routine and a way of being with each other that works.

I have an acquaintance who complains that she struggles with friendship but IMO it's down to how she behaves - she tends to shrink back if people are kind to her and assume they're not really interested, which is quite annoying. I've tried to become friendlier with her but it's way too much effort so I've given up.

I feel like this at the moment. I really put thought and effort into a lot of things, for my children, OH, friends and my family. It never seems like anyone actually cares or appreciates what I do.

it’s hard to be more selfish and not naturally go out my way to make these efforts because it’s just who I am but more recently see I am taken for granted and started seeing people for who they are. Clearly not my friend or the family members just are not appreciative of the effort I go to. So I have started to not bother. Putting my foot down and I’m looking forward to someone asking me ‘oh I didn’t get a birthday card or a bottle of champagne from you for my birthday’ …. I never get either , sometimes even lucky to get a happy birthday text from some friends and family. Works both ways and hopefully il meet some friends who actually enjoy these things as well.

I've seen this with a friend of mine. She is the one that tries the hardest and people really give her a wide birth. I think its almost like if its that easy its not worth it to some people. It comes across that she wants it too badly.. a bit desperate. I really like her now but she was v persistent and I'm not sure I would have become friends with her otherwise as it took her a while to relax and not be trying so hard.
Its just really really hard
The best advise I can give you is take up tennis. It is unbelievably social (especially doubles) and there is always drama so lots to talk about. I started it and have made a lot of friends and I wasn't even trying too as I have enough as it is !

I was a lot like you then I had the rug pulled from under me by a valued "friend" now I only bother with people who bother with me. I'm.quite happy with that don't go out much but I have one friend i go for drinks with now and then. Other than that i please myself

My husband used to say I expect people to be considerate and thoughtful like me but .....sadly most are not so I dont bother with them now

I feel like this a lot. I have a lot of old friends and struggle to make new ones but I really try hard and I often get nothing back. It feels like a constant rejection.

For me I find a few things hold true and I need to recognise them more so that I feel less sad about it. I try to look at what I can change myself so I feel better.

• old friends instantly understand me, newer friends take time and so I can’t be the same person instantly to them as I am to old friends. I need to chill out and let people warm to me.
• people already have their established groups. They don’t want to add more or may not have time to add more to their circle. I need to accept that.
• some people aren’t actually for you and that’s why these friendships haven’t grown. I need to take people as they are and let go when necessary.
• what do I actually want from the friendship and do I even like this person? I need to be more choosy about who I spend my time on.

theres loads more but take it off what you’ve done “wrong” which I suspect is nothing, and focus on what you can change.