Friends forgot my birthday

[NameChangedBecauseImHereALot]

Name changed as I'm here a lot and put a lot in my historic posts that could I.D me... I'm not sure why but I'd be embarrassed if I was linked to this thread even though I have done nothing wrong :(

I have a group of really good friends. I'm always the organiser of all gifts, days out and birthdays. We celebrate each others birthdays on a big scale and everyone makes a big effort for them. I know I'm the organiser so that may partly be why but they forgot mine and I am so sad about it. I now feel so embarrassed about doing anything for anyone else's birthdays incase someone asks when mine is and I have to say 'err you just missed it'. I don't make a big fuss of my own birthday but nor do they and we have been friends years, been on holidays etc together and never had a falling out. Basically they should have known it was my birthday, I know when theirs is due. I have been through all options in my head as to why but have catastrophised a bit and decided they don't like me ( which I know is not true ) and keep crying about it. I just expected a message to be honest, it didn't have to be a big deal. Not sure what my AIBU is, but should I just leave it? Should I be taking anything from this? Have any of you ever forgotten a birthday but not meant to? None of them have any big life events on atm BTW where it would be expected for them to forget. I don't want to sound childish or like I expect a marching band to follow me around for my birthday, it's not about celebrating me more just than I am the only one out of the group who has been forgotten and I'm just really sad :(

I have forgotten my friends’ bdays before but I have ADHD. For them to all forget is very hurtful and I’m sorry it happened to you.

There might be genuine reasons why they forgot (i.e. Your birthday is not on Facebook anymore). If you don’t want it to be awkward next time you see them, then when one of them asks what you have been up to, make sure you mention what you did for your bday (if you did anything to mark it). Their response to that will tell you all you need to know. If they wish you happy birthday but don’t arrange a belated gift/ day out etc, then just know you no longer need to do the same for them since it’s not something they expect/ appreciate.

Thank you for such a thoughtful reply and good advice on how to handle things going forward. I felt a bit silly starting a thread but feel like I needed outside advice so I don't say or do the wrong thing. Thank you

If they're really good friends would a jokey "OMG, you guys suck! Not even one Happy Birthday? I feel the need to go out for a drink/meal/coffee etc to celebrate, even though it's a bit late, who wants to join me?"

First of all - Happy (belated) Birthday OP. I am so sorry, birthdays mean a lot to me. Meaning, I put effort into celebrating others and making sure people's special day is acknowledged, so when mine has been over looked it is hurtful.

When was your birthday? When is your next meet up? Could they be waiting for then? But they they would have sent cards for the day or texts etc.

Unless you want to make a big fuss and shame them but it seems that you don't - I would be taking a step backwards. I wouldn't be organising the next birthday celebration gift etc. I would send a text and an individual a card for the day but no reminders to others. If asked, I would say that as your birthday was not mentioned or acknowledged, you had assumed they wanted to scale back the celebrations.

I now feel so embarrassed about doing anything for anyone else's birthdays incase someone asks when mine is and I have to say 'err you just missed it'.

When was your birthday? Don't let them get away with it. Send a message along the lines of 'Ladies, I'm quite upset that my birthday wasn't even acknowledged like everyone else's. I'm over it now but just wanted to mention that it made me feel a bit unseen.'

And please DON'T organise anything for their birthdays anymore, until they start to appreciate YOU.

it will just be unintentional and they didn’t realise. You’ve a couple of options here, text round inviting everyone out to celebrate your birthday on x date or quietly admit they missed your birthday when asked. Either is perfectly fine.

Happy Birthday!!! You're right to feel sad but don't feel embarrassed. It's a reflection on what poor friends they are rather than your character. Rather than waiting for them to ask when your birthday is (becaise if they are this thoughtless, chances are they may never ask) just let them know they missed your birthday. I wouldn't even say it jokingly. Just as a matter of fact. Personally, I would say it without adding an invite to a meal. As someone mentioned above, if they are good friends, they'll atleast send a belated card.

When you organise the other birthdays, how does it work? Do friends A, B and C contact you and ask what you guys should do for Z's birthday? Or do you contact them and say "Hey, Z'a birthday coming up, we should organise something", they agree and then you do it?

If it's the latter, you have your answer: they've grown accustomed to your reminders and passively partake (even if they genuinely enjoy it).

If it's the former, then that's different.

Either way though it's hurtful. I'm not sure what I'd do, but I'd definitely avoid putting any effort in going ahead.

It’s because you’ve taken on the organiser role OP. I genuinely doubt it’s because they don’t like you!

I genuinely find most people to be hyper wrapped up in their own head, their own life, what they have happening right in front of them that day, etc. It’s too easy to forget someone’s birthday. I’m terrible with birthdays and it’s a struggle for me to remember.

I would stop being the organiser of everything and let that side of things be shared. As for communicating the missed birthday, I’d bring it up however feels comfortable for you. Either when someone asks what you did at the weekend, or later down the line. Or with some humour - “you guys forgot my birthday 😭😂”.

I used to do big birthdays with my two best friends - our birthdays fall on consecutive months, so we used to have a summer of “triple birthday” plans. Eventually I just kind of found it too much to keep making such a big deal of it, particularly as one of my best friends is forgetful and kept already having other plans because he hadn’t thought to reserve the time in advance. He also forgot my actual birthday at least once. It happens. Now I only organise stuff with him if he proactively asks what the plans are. Otherwise I make my own plans and don’t wait for people to ask.

It’s less of a sign of not being liked and more of a sign of self-involvement / overwhelm at daily life, I think.

And happy birthday!! You’re not being silly!

Sorry for making a thread then going awol! I'm on night shifts. Thank you so much for all of your thoughtful and kind replies. I'm glad it isn't a total non issue! I decided to take the advice of bringing it up as I had the perfect opportunity when someone else's birthday got mentioned. I just basically asked if we would be looking for a date to celebrate mine too as its just passed and you're all right, it did seem it was genuinely just forgotten but with no malice intended. Other than the one friend I spoke to, all of them have now been in contact and apologised / asked to sort something to mark it. All seems to be resolved, I really doubt it would happen again- going to put it behind me now and make sure we do plan something and I enjoy it! In future at least I know I can simply just say something if its bothering me rather than work it up in my head and it seems they are good enough friends to look to resolve it immediately. Thanks everyone

A lovely update, so glad it's all worked out. Hope your celebration is fab!

Great update- glad it all got sorted without drama. Well done mentioning it!