Hello Mumsnetters
I have read so many separation / divorce threads over the last few months which have been very comforting.
So here goes, I have been married to my husband for 6 years (very short marriage) but together 11 years. We met when I was 19, him 22. It was a happy, fun relationship and we got on great. As the years went by, and real life kicked in (i.e. we both started working), things changed, I changed. I want silly things like to go to a pub together, to go out for dinner and talk, to have a few glasses of wine at the weekend, listen to music.. not much! My husband, since starting his job many years ago, has become very grumpy and has quite a sharp tongue. He does things that really annoy me, which I have spoken about. For example, if we go out with family or friends, he takes off his jacket and throws it at me while I am sitting down and he laughs - it's clearly a joke but I dont find it funny. In the past, I have also spoken to him before meeting family (as he sits on his phone or he is rude to my dad) and friends (he makes rude comments about me or tries to prove me wrong at every chance he gets)... he says he walks on eggs shells around me.
We have stopped having sex too, and this is embarrassing but I have inverted nipples, which I hate and feel very self-cautious about. I have shared how I feel with him, during sex he would show my breasts lots of attention, which I hate. I spoke to him several times and told him not to do this, and why. He would ignore me each time and say he didnt realise, again, when I say to him, he says I am putting up "barriers", or I've killed the mood.
He rarely wants to do anything, and wants to be in bed and get up early everyday, except when he spends time with his friends. I have since told him I am unhappy and he got defensive. He keeps reminding me how he bought me flowers every a few months ago, and I "didnt appreciate them" and how he "hoovers" and I dont. Whenever I remind him that its exhausting to food shop all the time, think of dinner ideas, cook, and then wash up, everynight, all he says, bitterly is "thats all you have to say, you have nothing on me!!" and that pisses me off.
I have went to counselling the last few months and he blames me for everything. I told the counsellor, and him, that we cant keep doing this and that I wanted change in the next few weeks. So, I gave him a list of options to have a date night together; lets go get dinner, lets go to this new trendy cocktail bowling place, lets go to the comedy club etc. He has strongly suggested we go to the cinema instead... which we used to love as students but.. to sit in silence?! I have agreed as I am always said to be "putting up barriers"
Here is the part I will be shot down for. I met someone randomly 6 months ago. He is good looking, genuinely wants to know about my day, texts asking about my plans, etc. I told him a white lie, I said I was going through a separation with my husband, and I didn't have headspace to pursue anything with him. He totally respected this. But, I missed him and decided to ask him out for drinks. We had a great night, conversation wasn't awkward, tons to say to each other. When I think of him, I smile. He has asked if I would like to date after all the complications of separation has formalised; I panicked and said yes, and he has planned a dinner for in a few weeks' time. He said I have been going through a tough time (he is seperated and knows what I am "going through") and wants to treat me to dinner and he said he will go at whatever pace I want to. He said he thinks I am very special, and I am worth waiting for. I've told him I need a break from talking as I have too much stuff going on. I wanted to see if things with my husband could work, and didnt want the thought of this other guy blurring that.
So, my husband and I went away with family a few weeks later, and after dinner one night, we all went next door to the local bar, my husband said he was tierd and went back to the lodge, said he wanted to be alone - this was 930pm. I was really hurt. I wanted to be told I looked nice, I put in alot of effort to get dressed up, treated like a date night, I wanted him to stay, I wanted him to dance with me, talk to me, laugh with me. I asked him to stay for a bit longer and he just said, "no, I'm tired, sorry". My mum has been concerned about me for sometime now and keeps saying I have lost my sparkle and comments often how i am not happy in my marriage and that I am young and only get one life.
I ended up meeting this other man last night for drinks, and for company too. Anyway, I met the other guy, with the intention of telling him that we cant speak anymore. I didnt say it directly. But I was very horrible to him. I wanted him to say it, to make it easier. But he didnt, he wanted to talk, find out what was wrong, and got upset with all my mixed messages. I felt horrible. I got on the train home and cried. I genuinely really care for him. He wants to be with me. I want to be with him. Yet, I feel trapped in a marriage where I dont know how long I should keep trying. My inlaws have since removed me from a family whatsapp group after telling their son (my hubby) I was unhappy and have ignored me since. My PT, who I have seen since July, also commented "do you and your husband spend anytime together" after asking my weekend plans, and that made me sad and embarrassed.
For context, I havent slept with this other man, haven't done anything with him really. We have been out twice over the course of a few months and have kissed a few times, when saying goodbye, not that it makes it better. I know that makes me a cruel person, but I want love.
Anyway, if youve read all of this, thank you.
Would I be unreasonable to leave my marriage and just date this other guy - my marriage troubles arent new, and I think I deserve some happiness, I wouldnt be leaving DH for OM, I would be single and just date, take things slowly.
Or
I am being unreasonable, stay and work it out, and block this other guy