Husband not supportive of dealing pregnancy anxiety

[Winkle2020]

Dear all, I am pregnant after a miscarriage and in a gets into severe anxiety before scan and basically struggle a lot to enjoy pregnancy. I dont want to talk about it and dont want to make a big fuss about announcing or doing anything about it. My husband knew all these however very recently he has been acting like as if this doesnt matter and i am overthinking anything. We had an echogenic bowel scare in the anomaly scan and only 2 days back the problem got resolved and i am now getting into normal. He has gone to spain for a work conference and came back and was all praising about how sunny it was and how he relaxed and his brain got refreshed...(ofcourse he will be relaxed as i was taking care of our other 2 children and managing my scan alone).

Now after coming back he started pushing for a holiday trip before the baby arrives and he is planning it on the december holidays. Without discussing with me and agreeing to any plans, he has started a whatspp group added friends and started discussing about the plans. DH suggested turkey however all friends decided to drop that plan as it would be cold anyway there around december (i was unhappy about turkey even as i said i am not comfortable doing a flight trip when i am 29 weeks pregnant)

Looking at how interested he was, i explained to him clearly that I am not comfortable travelling anywhere outside UK and expressed what kind of places i want to go.

This morning in the group one of our friends suggested morocco and asked my husband is he ok with that, he then replied saying "i am ok for morocco however will ask my wife what she wants to do"....i clearly hated this reply because we have agreed not to fly anywhere out and before sending that reply he could have called me.

Then I replied saying to everyone that i am not ok with morrocon plan however i dont want to stop any of you from going so pls go ahead, i wont be joining. the friend who has suggested morocco trip she called me to convince a lot to make me say yes. I somehow feel very angry about the whole thing

Let the friends be, but how DH can be that blind to agree to morocco, knowing that me and kids wont cope with the heat and i have read so many reviews about people getting food poisoning there. Also that time i will be 29 weeks pregnant and will be required to take anti malaria vaccine which i am not at all ready for

He then commented on the group saying, i want this dream location for my DW as a babymoon place. This is irritating and annoying to deal with people who do not understand what an antenatal anxiety and stress is all about

Sorry for the big rant, but please let me know how should i deal with this

He sounds awfully self absorbed.

@Ingrainedagainstthegrain i really dont know how to deal with this. He has now given a feel among friends that we both have different thoughts and we are not matured enough to discuss within ourselves first and then talk to others.

@Ingrainedagainstthegrain thanks for reading my long post and somehow typing it all out helps me

I don't think this is 'just' pregnancy anxiety. I would struggle to manage 2 kids in a hot climate with an unsupportive partner. And it really doesn't sound like he is being supportive.
I suspect he is painting you as the unreasonable one, and his friends are going along with that instead of calling him out. I would talk to him about that because getting a female friend to try to talk you into the trip is pathetic.

But I would word it the way you worded it.
''I am upset that you have given our friends the impression that we are not mature enough to discuss decisions first and then talk to others. I am not ok with you asking your friend to try and talk me into something. If you really want me to go on a trip with you, pick something that's doable for a pregnant woman, and do half the parenting.''

It's a tough one. You should speak to a midwife if you haven't already to get some counselling during your pregnancy to help with the anxiety. It will suck all the joy out of your pregnancy otherwise. It's also hard for the partner of family when they are watching a loved one going through prenatal anxiety. My sister was like you and I wouldn't even mention her pregnancy for fear of her getting anxious. People do live in Morocco and Turkey and have babies. You don't want to travel at 29 weeks pregnant and neither would I. I have a lot of appointments going in my 3rd trimester and would not be allowed to fly.

I'd talk to your dh and find out what you aren't on the same page. It seems strange he is pushing to go abroad when you clearly don't want to, are stressed or not keen. Even if he doesn't understand your anxiety he should be trying nor to add to it! I'd want to find out what the issue is here.

Best of luck with your pregnancy op.

sorry But Ii think you are over reacting. It's not super hot in Morocco in December and 29 weeks is absolutely fine to travel.

i would just get a clear plan with OH that he will still need to help with the kids and not taking it as a time to have fun with his friends and living you with all the childcare.

I'm so sorry OP. You need to take a stand here. Tell your husband either he tells the group or you do that going abroad is out and he failed to clarify it properly with you. Not the total truth but it's giving him the chance to not look awful in front of everywhere. If he doesn't agree to that, you tell them yourself. He's not being fair to them either.

I definitely don't think you're overreacting. You don't want to go and that is completely acceptable. He's being horrible for pushing you and causing this situation and involving friends.

I don't even see this as an anxiety issue. Your DH wants some dream babymoon supposedly for you (making himself look great to his friends), but really this is about him and what he wants. He is being a selfish dick.

I had zero pregnancy anxiety but would not have wanted to travel abroad in late pregnancy at all.

Thanks for all your reply, after ranting out everything I had a good cry and then saw my mobile for these messages from him
"I am sorry- i shouldn't have even said that in the group..i just thought getting some sun is good for you and the kids..it will lift the mood. I will sort this tonight by explaining them that they all can go to morocco..you dont worry and i did not ask her to call you...i swear on myself...i agree to do take over half the parenting"

not sure what to make out of this reply...however i feel crap being a spoiler for all the plans....and that friend who called me, i dont know why she was forcing me to accept for morocco trip...she clearly did not understand what i was trying to explain her...i told her i suffer from severe antenatal anxiety and i have recently been to anomaly scan where something was picked up and i suffered for 2 weeks before the problem got resolved after a lot of screening...also she kept telling me that travelling within UK will be cold and more expensive rather travelling to morocco is less time consuming and can enjoy hot sun

she did not seem to understand the risk i am explaining to her about,...please dont judge me...i understand that with proper planning and vaccination one can travel anywhere given they are comfortable with during pregnancy...its just me who cannot get my head around well in the hot weather

@Rowen32 thanks for understanding, i said in the group that i am not comfortable travelling outside UK late in pregnancy...its that friend who called me was trying to convince not understanding my concerns...she keeps saying that UK will be cold in december and the other thing she mentioned to me was if choose to a road trip in UK with few stay overs..her husband would expect her to share the driving ...and she is not happy doing that...i was like whatttt so just because you are not comfortable doing the driving i have to take a risk of taking a flight to a hot place with a risk of malaria and food poisoning ...my question was like why are you so keen on morocco...they know i am up for a holiday but just want to be in the comfortable zone...if they want me badly in the trip they should choose something accommodating for everyone ...please correct me if i am thinking wrong

@Thelnebriati thank you for your reply...i did send a message to him explaining how you did to me and hopefully i will feel ok about all this in sometime....i dont know why i get this emotional but it makes me feel bad that i am denying something which everyone wants and because of me everyone is missing out a good plan

No way I’d be going on a group holiday to Morocco when heavily pregnant. Your husband is extremely selfish to be behaving as he is. It’s all,about his needs and wants and trying to get some fun in, irrelevant of you. And your friends a complete twat, I’m sorry that’s who surrounds you, these muppets

I would be furious, he sounds like all he cares about is himself. And calling it a ‘baby moon’ when he knows damn well you are uncomfortable with it is just shitty. It’s like he’s trying to win the approval of the group and get praise ‘ahh what a sweet guy’ but he’s not thinking about the feelings of the most important person in all this which should be you.

I would have it properly out with him. Explain you need a relaxed holiday and care not a jolly in Morroco at 29 weeks pregnant. Maybe he needs to let of steam…I don’t know if this is his way of handling any hidden anxiety he feels? I don’t want to be unfair to the guy…but if it is his way of handling stress then he’s better off going by himself and maybe he’ll come back refreshed and more able to be on your page.

Hugs x x x

I absolutely don't think you're thinking wrong x I totally understand, glad your husband sent that text xx

i have to take a risk of taking a flight to a hot place with a risk of malaria and food poisoning .

I wouldn't want to be travelling at 29 weeks pregnant at all but you are being overly anxious about Morocco itself.

It's not going to be hot, average temperatures in December between 7 - 20 degrees. And there is no advice from the Foreign Office to have a Malaria vaccine for Morocco. We also never had food poisoning in Morocco, food was great.

travelhealthpro.org.uk/country/154/morocco

We have got back from office and got busy with kids and had time to check the group chats sometime back and realised that ...all my friends have mocked and teased us sending GIFs .portraying as if I am an over dominating wife and going to have a big fight with DH for what he is done. I cant believe that friends can mock others like this, i just disagreed with the plan and how come that will make them assume that it will initiate a big fight between us.

Later at DH was trying to be nice by putting the laundry away, dishwasher and cleaning the kitchen worktop which he usually doesnt do without being asked.

Then when i checked the phone DH has replied to everyone saying that "we cannot join the plan as the midwife has adviced us against the travelling long at that stage"

All the friends have got very sympathetic to my husband and saying oh no you were the one who was interested and its not fair...we will plan next time to go somewhere...

I was like ...🙄