Argument with DH AIBU

[pyjamafashionista]

We had an argument this morning which blew up. I got upset and said I feel like you're always disinterested when I talk to you/glazed over. You never touch me anymore and seem to give the dog more loving comments than me. I feel disgusting and useless. His response... " Well, do something about it then".
I guess I was hoping to hear that he doesn't find me boring and does find me attractive, but his reply kind of just cemented what I already thought.
Would you be upset or am I being dramatic?

What are you supposed to do about his attitude and lack of care, love and respect? That's on him.

If he comes back with some comment about letting yourself go, well I'll take a stab at guessing who carries the mental load and does most of the domestic labour, has a lower (or no) salary...

I'm really sorry you're going through this, he doesn't sound like a kind man.

If you were arguing could this just have been you throwing comments to hurt each other? If you've told him you feel disgusting and useless could he have looked at this thinking "only you can change that"....

Alternatively, if you've only said it because it's how he makes you feel, I understand you feeling hurt. But I think a sit down conversation with him whilst not arguing is the only way to understand what each other actually means in this situation x

I suppose what I mean is...

I've previously felt disgusting and useless, but it was absolutely nothing to do with my DH, it was to do with me. I let myself go and each day it was getting worse. Only I could change that, which I did.

However, I cant say what my DH might have said during an argument if things were getting heated, people sometimes throw stupid things into an argument in the heat of the moment x

I can’t really get on board with the creeping use of disinterested when people mean uninterested, so voted that you are being unreasonable.

Nothing really to say on the relationship stuff though, sorry.

Well do something about it then! Charming. Is he saying that yes he does think you are disgusting and useless??

Well obviously he is a pig to say this but take a look at yourself - what is your life like at the moment? Is this a (very harsh) wake up call?

You do need to do something. Don't look to him for your self esteem!! What do you want? Are you happy what do need? (For yourself not from others)

And no it's not unreasonable to want love and respect.

I think that's disgusting. If my partner expressed to me that they felt like that, I'd be upset and want to reassure them and help them with their self-esteem. I think that comment shows a complete lack of care and respect. Sorry OP, no wonder you are upset xx

Tell him you can't do anything about his behaviours and if he's not interested in you you'll find someone who is.

I'm torn on this actually, I think because we don't have much to go on context wise.

I agree with other posters who are saying that if you don't feel good in yourself then your validation shouldn't just come from him so it's reasonable to take a little responsibility for your own confidence and happiness and actively try to make yourself feel good. Could be that he needs to take the kids so you can go out walking/ to the gym (not to lose weight but just to feel active in your body and good in your mind), go get your hair done or your nails done or do a wee run to the shops and get some nice new underwear or clothes. Start maybe considering what things make you feel really good/ better about yourself and then prioritise factoring them into your week in a way you feel is manageable.

Now, if you generally feel you're fine as you are and the negative thinking is purely coming from him putting you down and eroding your self esteem then that's on him. You do deserve to feel loved cherished and respected and I feel like it starts with you and ends with him. You make the steps you need to feel good about yourself and maybe find time to do some date nights etc. If he's still not responsive then you know that he is the problem and it's not actually anything to do with you at all .

What does he mean by "do something about it?"
Does he mean address the way you feel about yourself by having therapy etc? If so and he's mentioned before that your lack of self worth is causing issues then he may actually be being constructive (in a crass way)
But if he means "sort out your appearance so I fancy you" that is a very different thing: that's a massive problem and an abusive remark

What's the background ?

This exactly what I meant too, 2 different meanings to what has been said xx

I think two issues here.

on one side you’ve an issue in your relationship you do not feel he loves or desires you. That’s something you both need to sit down and discuss and understand if there is a path forward.

as for his comment thst you feel disgusting and useless that you should do something about it, in this he is correct. only you are responsible for you.

so two things for you to do. One deal with your relationship and two deal with your feelings of self loathing.

Google ‘bids for connection’ or look at gottman.com.

Connection bids are all those little times we turn to our partner to do or say something. If both partners are engaged and interested it cements the relationship. If one partner habitually ignores or ‘turns away’ then the relationship falters and can fail.

He told you to do something about it. Which sounds like he has heard this complaint before and has completely turned away from your bids for connection.

So I suggest you find the best article you can find about it and send it to him. It may make him have a think. Matthew Fry has also done a viral post about how he wife divorced him because he didn’t want to take her concerns on board.

I am divorcing and this is one of many many things my STBXH did to me. It needs dealing with or the resentment it will cause in you may eventually destroy any love you have for him.

Mid argument isn't the time to talk. People say things that can hurt or that they don't mean or that are taken the wrong way.
Best to talk when things are calm

Oh bore off

🙄

You were having a row and he just said something off the top of his head. Don't take it too seriously. However I think he may make more of an effort when he's thought about it.

What type of dog is it?