Signs of affairs / emotional affairs

[bluestripes111]

Please can you tell me signs you've noticed of affairs and emotional affairs. Sometimes we don't spot them until it's too late. Have you looked back with hindsight and realised clues and signs that were there?

Mentionitis
Sudden change of grooming habits
Taking phone absolutely everywhere
Sleeping on the sofa so can text/call
New clothes

There has been more mention of this person.
Texting in the evening.
Phone facing down more as well.

What was deleted?

My DH tracked the OW and vice versa on findmyiphone. Also very protective over his phone, slanting it away from me so I couldn't see the screen, walking down the garden to have "work" calls, obsessively checking where I was on any particular day, presumably so he could make arrangements to meet with the OW

It’s all about the phone, change in grooming habits and, depending on how seasoned they are, talking about them. If experienced, they are less likely to talk about them

The main sign is your intuition or gut feeling that something is “off”.

Talking about the other woman a lot - how lovely she is etc.

Changing password on phone after 20 years of always keeping it the same and taking phone everywhere including into the bathroom when having a shower.

Progressively coming home from work later and later - with poor excuses about why this is. He would forget that he’d given me the same excuse just the week before - he needed to go to Ford 3 different times to pick up some adhesive for a part that was hanging off his car.

Becoming distant and changing personality almost overnight. Was always very loving but suddenly was argumentative and constantly putting me down - nothing I did was good enough, was like he was trying to find excuses to leave me. Also got to the point where we were bickering about how much he had changed and he would get in my face and tell me to ‘hit him then’ which of course I never did but realise now that this was very calculated because had I lost my cool at the goading he would have had the excuse he needed to leave - he was desperate for his infidelity to look like my fault.

Unfortunately, since having to deal with this I’ve come across a lot of friends and work colleagues who all went through the same sequence of events - when they are cheating, they follow a ‘script’ and once they do leave be prepared for them to tell everyone that you are a ‘crazy psycho’ and for them to rewrite history so they can justify their behaviour.

I probably sound bitter but have just been put through the worst 9 months of my life. He eventually confessed but the mental damage is done now.

Exactly what everyone else said, especially the mentionitis. And @AndPeggy08 Please don't use the word "bitter". You are justifiably angry about being lied to, betrayed, gaslit and provoked. You will likely continue to be angry about being lied about, having your past history rewritten and being shafted financially unless you pour money, time and energy into ensuring you are not. You may have a decade or so of coparenting ahead of you with plenty of opportunities for your ex and possibly the ow to fuck you about. Men use "bitter" like "nagging" to make women feel that they're being unreasonable and petty. Your ex will want everyone to get past this immediately, to "move on" and pretend he was with ow all along, that you were both really unhappy and he's actually been a hero by initiating this breakup and taking the heat. If you don't agree you're spoiling his story.
Sorry, slightly off point op but the "bitter" thing massively pisses me off as you can probably tell.

Are you all aware that men read mumsnet too? This thread is potentially a "how to" instruction manual for an arsehole who wants to cheat.

Just sayin'

Bollocks. If a cheater wants to cheat they don’t need a scoresheet to help them.

I guess. I don't understand how those people think in the first place. I say people as it isn't just men that do it.

From having experience of my wife having an emotional affair leading to a physical affair and then to the ending of our marriage, these are the things I remember.

Occassionally mentioning details about the person ( with no particular context).
Mentioning negative things about the person and their spouse.
Appearing changed and distant in our relationship.
Being very guarded of mobile phone and putting phone on silent.
Taking phone into Bathroom and Loo.
Keeping phone under her pillow.
Getting up frequently in the middle of the night (I assume she was checking or sending texts) I’ve since learned people in affairs like to send texts last thing at night and first thing in the morning and it’s easy to see the psychology of this.
No longer laughing at things she used to find funny.
Going out on more frequent errands, alone.
Being critical and provoking arguments or ill feeling over the slightest thing.
Being very critical of our grown up children. Being very impatient with our grandchildren.
Being very happy on a specific day of the week.
Lots of gaslighting about numerous things eg asking me who I was sexting when I was sending a text to a member of the family.
Passenger seat in her car adjusted to maximum leg room.
Interest in music totally out of character for her taste.

If you are wondering how I did not cotton on to what was happening keep in mind this was taking place in the COVID years and many people were acting very strangely, the whole atmosphere of the Country was odd, to say the least.
And I’d trusted her for the past 35 years of our marriage.

Way to blame women on helping each other.

That was not my intention. Apologies if it was taken that way. I guess those that are going to will find their own way no matter what sadly.

Mentionitis - but about how much they dislike her, how annoying she is, how she likes to hug the men in the office

Sudden need to exercise

Taking a condom in toiletry bag on a work trip and toiletry bag coming back without condom (while you're ttc)

Sudden change in how they speak to you. From loving you to seemingly hating you

Becoming the victim when you inevitably split

And too stupid to hide it well enough too!

In every instance I know of, the stupidity was not recognising that the person they were cheating on was probably the best thing that ever happened to them.