Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Is it me?

21 replies

RotateRotate · 08/11/2022 22:52

I wanted to put something on AIBU as the relationship threads seem to get very little responses.

I don't know if I am a jealous person or if there is something to actually be jealous about.

My DW forms what I would describe as intense friendships with people.
She will make a friend and spend a lot of time with them, talk to them a lot via text etc, and mention them to me a lot.
Several times in the past when this has happened (usually 1 person at a time) .. I've slowly started feeling uneasy about it.

What seems to then happen is the friend begins developing feelings for DW. When I tell her this is what is clearly happening, she says I'm being jealous and that she 'can't have friends', Makes out i'm being ridiculous. It usually leads to an argument.

Usually this friend then suddenly fizzles out and vanishes and another will appear a few months later.

I feel like this is happening again recently that DW is spending time with a new friend, seeing her several times a week and texting in the evenings.
I don't know if I'm just jealous. Or paranoid. It's a really uncomfortable feeling. I'm not sure really what to do.

OP posts:

maddy68 · 08/11/2022 23:00

I would act on your gut feeling

mycatisannoying · 08/11/2022 23:03

But surely the chances of every one of your wife's friends being gay is relatively slim?

It sounds like she starts off having intense friendships, but then it can't be sustained. Usually new friendships build and evolve over time, but in this case it's happening at the start and then fizzles out. You hear of it happening all the time in the dating world, for example.

But truthfully, I don't know if this is her issue or yours. We only have your side of the story. It could be that your attitude is putting her off having friends, and it could be that friends are frightened off by her intensity.

OliveWah · 08/11/2022 23:13

If it's really making you uncomfortable, then listen to your gut and tell her exactly that. It sounds as if she enjoys the attentions of these new friendships, it probably gives her a bit of a buzz - which is fine, if it wasn't at the cost of your feelings. Rather than letting her brush you off with "you're just jealous", ask to be included in these friendships occasionally, it might make the friends get the message that your DW is happily married and not available for falling in love with!

Original poster

RotateRotate · 08/11/2022 23:20

@mycatisannoying
A couple have been gay, a couple have been straight. One straight friend this was happening with, a straight friend who was married with children. It seemed really clear that she was developing feelings. I never met her. Only heard of her through DW. When DW told her we were engaged, the friend never spoke to her again.

OP posts:

Original poster

RotateRotate · 08/11/2022 23:22

@OliveWah
I did this recently. The new friend asked DW if she wanted to meet with the kids.
I was off work and me, DW & DC were spending the day together, so I suggested I come along. DW seemed annoyed by this and said we weren't going out with her friend and that we were staying home. I've suggested twice going to meet her friend with her. We actually met this friend together, but they've gone on to develop more of a friendship and I don't have any contact with the friend.

OP posts:

OliveWah · 08/11/2022 23:30

I wouldn't like it if my DH had female friends he wouldn't let me meet, and that he spent all evening texting with, particularly if he had a history of his female friends falling in love with him. I don't think your DW gets a free pass on this just because she's gay.

It sounds like you need to make it really clear to your DW how much this unsettles you. I would hate for my DH to feel so uncomfortable and if he came and told me this then I would make a concerted effort to ensure that my friendships were very clearly just friendships, and that DH is the only one I want to be in love with me. If you DW doesn't feel this way, then she sounds quite cold, I think, sorry.

Perhaps think how you would react if your DW came to you with the same issue. Would you be annoyed and accuse her of being jealous, or would you do all you could to reassure her?

Original poster

RotateRotate · 08/11/2022 23:34

@OliveWah
She's asked me before if I fancied one of my friends. I reassured her that I absolutely don't and introduced them the next time we met and invited friend round to the house another time so she could meet her properly.
When I've said it in the last, she will usually say 'why can't I have any friends?!' But there's a difference with the friends she usually has, and then these ones where it just feels different.

OP posts:

Original poster

RotateRotate · 08/11/2022 23:36

@OliveWah
Also DW does have lots of friends. We have some mutual and some who DW sees just by herself. She is a very social person. But it's just every now and then there is one who she focuses on, spends a lot of time with etc

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 08/11/2022 23:38

So you imagine her friends have feelings for her, all of them, one after the other. It's clearly happening, in your opinion.

You're so convinced you're right an she is too stupid to see it or having too much fun winding you up hat you tackle her about it.

Get a therapist or you will lose your wife.

Is that what you want here? A self fulfilling prophecy?

Original poster

RotateRotate · 08/11/2022 23:39

There was once I checked her phone. I have never ever done it before but I did a few years ago when this was happening with another friend.
They worked together, and friend hadn't been in work that day. DW send a message saying "I missed you today". And friend replied "How's RotateRotate?"

(Is "I missed you today?" Normal to say to a friend? - genuine question).

It was very soon after this that the friendship ended.

I've never looked since. And I don't want a relationship where I feel I need to do that.

OP posts:

OliveWah · 08/11/2022 23:39

In which case you need to be really clear with her that these "special" friendships and the fact that it takes time and focus take away from you, her DW, makes you uncomfortable. If she's unwilling to take your feelings into account, then she really doesn't sound like she's committed to being married - to supporting you and respecting your feelings - which is sad, I'm sorry.

Original poster

RotateRotate · 08/11/2022 23:40

@mathanxiety
I've already said she has lots of friends where this doesn't happen. Lots of them. But several times in the last 12 years, something like this happens with a new friendship she develops. It's happened with around 5 people.

OP posts:

dragonfly16 · 08/11/2022 23:46

I wonder if DW is bi and exploring?

mathanxiety · 09/11/2022 01:14

If you don't like what you think is constantly going on, you need to separate.

Are you happy?

Is she happy?

Where do you see this ending up?
Your wife getting rid of her phone and asking your permission to make friends?

Original poster

RotateRotate · 09/11/2022 14:06

I told DW my worries and what's been on my mind.
Wish I hadn't.
At first she was reassuring me but then a minute later said she can't believe I would think that of her, that I must think she's an awful person, she was very upset, and said she wants me to leave her alone and she walked off.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 09/11/2022 18:07

It's a horrible thing to accuse someone of.

When you do something like that and you have no evidence, it's a sign that you need to do some work on yourself.

Do you want the marriage to end? You're going the right way about it if that's what you want.

If that's not what you want then you need to talk to a therapist.

mast0650 · 09/11/2022 18:15

They worked together, and friend hadn't been in work that day. DW send a message saying "I missed you today". And friend replied "How's RotateRotate?"
(Is "I missed you today?" Normal to say to a friend? - genuine question).

In the context of friends who work together and then one friend not being at work? Yes, totally and utterly normal I would say!

Igglepiggleslittletoe · 09/11/2022 18:17

I had a friend like this. She would develop intense almost crush like friendships with people and then a few months later discard them and tell the rest of us they fancied her so she had to walk away. It was utter bullshit and this 'friend' got dumped by all her other friends eventually for being a narcissist. She needed the supply of these friends and discarded them once she found a new victim.

The other alternative of course is that she is bi curious herself.

ladydimitrescu · 09/11/2022 18:17

Do you honestly think any and all people no matter their orient or sex, fancy your wife?
Yeah - you need help mate. I wouldn't be putting up with this shit from you. Your jealousy issues aren't her problem, sort yourself out.

LeMoo · 09/11/2022 18:20

Seriously?

You've assumed these other women all fancy a wife and invite yourself along to normal meet ups.

You sound jealous, possessive and controlling.

Back off and leave her friendships alone.

OliveWah · 09/11/2022 19:45

I'm sorry she reacted that way @RotateRotate , but it says an awful lot more about her than it does about you.

I know if I went to my DH with similar concerns, he would do everything in his power to reassure me - he certainly wouldn't turn it round on me and try to make me feel bad. I think a PP had it right when they said your DW sounds like a narcissist. I'm sorry, but she doesn't sound like she cares about your feelings at all.

Can you imagine how she would react if the shoe were on the other foot? I suspect that will tell you all you need to know.

Flip