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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I missing a something big here?

11 replies

momtoboys · 08/11/2022 21:57

Posting here for traffic.

Married for 25 years. Several children. Work full time in an executive position.
DH has long time employment at a small, family owned company. I make about 35%-40% more annually than he does. He is a really wonderful man. Great father. Works very hard. For the last several years he has been in charge of the bills, etc.

We have had 4 children in private university for the last 6 years. As such we have increased our credit card balances quite a bit. We decided that we would refinance our mortgage and pay off our credit cards and perform some repairs to the house (just general wear and tear). As the refinance moved forward surprisingly the bank told us that they could not approve our loan with my husband on it His credit was bad. I really had no idea. I have been kind of keeping track of mine, but not his. We have decided to move forward with the refinance with just my name on the loan. The payment is going to be higher than I would like but much less than we are currently paying on our cards. The loan is only paying off the cards in my name because I am the only person on the loan. We will be receiving $ above my credit cards that we will use for his debts.

Our debts will be paid off. We comingle all of our funds so we will both continue to pay the new mortgage as we always have.

Since there are so many people that are smarter than me on Mumsnet I want to ask…is there a drawback to this plan for me? Thanks.

OP posts:
FatAntelope · 08/11/2022 22:00

You're living beyond your means.

How do you feel about his debt?...and him hiding or at least not being open about his debt?

momtoboys · 08/11/2022 22:10

For sure we were/are. Now that our kids have started graduating and are on their own it has gotten better. I feel pretty duped about his debt but I will be handling the money/bills going forward. I knew I should have been doing it all along but I was busy as the primary children raiser!

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NotRainingToday · 08/11/2022 22:14

Four children in uni for six years! I assume they're all doing medicine/architecture/Masters/PhDs
That is super expensive.
On a separate note, I think you need to have a conversation with your husband about how come his credit rating is so low. There may be something you don't know.....

momtoboys · 08/11/2022 22:21

We still have two that will graduate this year and one in three years and one more coming up. They have all only been in for 4 years. We have spoken about the debt and we have been to a counselor. He was trying to keep up with the bills and they simply got ahead of them. Once he started charging things it just became easier. The bank took a deep dive into our debts and I believe I now know of everything. I truly think he was relieved that the cat was out of the bag.

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FatAntelope · 08/11/2022 22:22

I knew I should have been doing it all along but I was busy as the primary children raiser!

Why are you taking all the responsibility? He should have not racked up debt and not told you about it.
How can you trust him going forward?

1down · 08/11/2022 22:23

How high is the debt he has hidden? Can you document where all the money was spent?

momtoboys · 08/11/2022 22:28

FatAntelope · 08/11/2022 22:22

I knew I should have been doing it all along but I was busy as the primary children raiser!

Why are you taking all the responsibility? He should have not racked up debt and not told you about it.
How can you trust him going forward?

Maybe I'm foolish to think this was a one off and something we will move past, but that is how I feel. Its a big bump in the road but I will feel more secure taking over the finances.

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momtoboys · 08/11/2022 22:29

1down · 08/11/2022 22:23

How high is the debt he has hidden? Can you document where all the money was spent?

It was a lot but I do think I have a full accounting since the bank had completed the assessment prior to saying he couldn't be on the loan.

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FlowerArranger · 08/11/2022 22:32

I think you need to do a lot more homework before you commit to a loan to clear your current debts!

Get to the bottom of how and why these debts were incurred.
And formulate a plan to clear them, AND ensure that you will not incur further debts in the future.

It is generally a bad idea to replace unsecured debt (credit cards) with secured debts (bank loans).
Google SNOWBALLING DEBT, i.e. paying off the highest interest debts first.
I think MSE have a forum on how to address and clear debt.

Many people who use a loan to pay of CCs simply run up their CCs again.
You really don't want to do that.

momtoboys · 08/11/2022 22:33

Just for a full accounting I had one son graduate in May 2021, one will graduate in December, 2022, one will graduate May, 2023, one in May, 2026 and hopefully one in May, 2027. So we have had three sons in at one time but 4 over 6 years including my oldest.

OP posts:
momtoboys · 08/11/2022 22:34

FlowerArranger · 08/11/2022 22:32

I think you need to do a lot more homework before you commit to a loan to clear your current debts!

Get to the bottom of how and why these debts were incurred.
And formulate a plan to clear them, AND ensure that you will not incur further debts in the future.

It is generally a bad idea to replace unsecured debt (credit cards) with secured debts (bank loans).
Google SNOWBALLING DEBT, i.e. paying off the highest interest debts first.
I think MSE have a forum on how to address and clear debt.

Many people who use a loan to pay of CCs simply run up their CCs again.
You really don't want to do that.

You are right I really do not want to do that! Thanks for the tip. I'll look at it tonight.

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