AIBU or is DH? Is the way he talks to me okay?

[CursedKirst]

Hi everyone.

Sorry if this sounds really trivial but I feel like I can’t see the wood for the trees anymore when it comes to DH.

Tonight is just typical for us at the moment and I could really do with some honesty. Happy to concede that it’s me that’s the problem, but I just need an outsiders perspective.

Tonight was all going fine until DD (aged 9) got a little upset about something. DD had been laughing and joking 5 mins earlier but then sat on the couch with DD to console her. Whilst sat with her, he closed his eyes and appeared to fall asleep. This would have been fine but at this time we do reading books, then its shower/bathtime for DD and her younger sister. I left DH snoozing for 10 mins and got some jobs done and then said, “can you get up now so we can get their books done”. DH‘s response is snippy, that he’s got a sore neck and had to rest it. My girls go and get their books and DD1 reads to me and DD2 sits next to her dad on the couch and tries to read to him. He does correct a word she reads wrong but has his eyes closed the whole time other than this.

DD1 finishes and goes to fill in her reading journal and DD2 asks if she can read to me instead. I say, of course. I then ask DH if he can just take an ibuprofen or something and help out. He says no and seems irritated with me. DD2 reads to me. Afterwards, I send DD1 upstairs to get ready for her shower. I say to DH, “are you not going to get up? Because I’ve read with both kids and it’s just delaying things”. His reply is “I shouldn’t have to do anything!” I’ve made what I would describe as a confused face and asked what he means. He said “What are you screwing your face up at me like that for???”. He’s said this infront of our youngest, who is 6. Ive just walked away and carried on with bedtime. Helping both kids with washing, ensuring teeth are cleaned. helping youngest get dried. DH has reappeared and helped a bit with sorting their hot water bottles.

DH has asked if I’m annoyed at him. To be honest, I’d quite happily sweep the whole thing under the carpet except for him accusing me of screwing my face up at him. He says that at their ages, they should be able to do most things independently. To be honest, there is an element of truth to some of that, but that’s what I am supporting them to do. I am guiding them and teaching them how to do things for themselves, not just doing everything for them. He’s annoyed at me for how I’ve spoken to him when he was in pain. The thing that riles me, I suppose, is that if my neck just suddenly hurt, I’d still have to help the kids with their books and bedtime. If I was really so incapacitated that I couldn’t, I would have asked him if he would mind if I rested as I was in a lot of pain. I’d have also tried pain relief.

DH is adamant that I’m the one at fault here. That he made it clear he was in pain and I should have just cracked on. Have I behaved perfectly? I’m sure I most likely haven’t. But these petty arguments are just so frequent and I can’t bear it anymore.

I will caveat this by saying that DH does do a lot around the house. He is involved and is very supportive in lots of ways. I have suggested counselling and he said it’s not his cup of tea, so I’m just feeling at a loss.

That should say, DH had been laughing and joking…

What have both of your days looked like today? Does it really need you both to do bedtime? Can 9yo not shower/change for bed independently while you help 6yo? Then tomorrow he does same on his own?

I think that there is a chance that if you had been sympathetic and supportive and allowed him to skip this one day of the night time routine due to being tied and ache he would have been appreciative. As you say he is good generally . Wouldn't have killed you to let him off once
Yes he was a little snippy but not aggressive or mean

Sounds like you were snippy first

It sounds pretty minor to me. If he is generally helpful and supportive I would try and respect that he is tired and in pain and not get too annoyed. He shouldn't be rude of course, but even nice people snap when tired and in pain.

I think it does depend on what you both did today and if it is a one off or is he always avoiding house tasks?

I’ve had a really tough day. I work in a very physical, support job. Today was particularly bad and the first thing I told DH when he came hom was how exhausted I was. He works in an office, which can be equally gruelling, but he even told me he watched sport for most of the day as he had nothing that needed done. He went to the gym and says weight training has strained his neck.

It might've been nicer to offer to get him an ibuprofen, rather than assume he's being awkward to annoy you. (Is that what you were assuming? That's how it comes across.)

But if he is regularly irritating, I can see how you'd get snippy.

X post. Right, so what would've happened if you'd said you wanted to lie down for half an hour and could he do the reading?

The reason I asked if he would just take an ibuprofen is because usually he won’t take anything like this because he doesn’t want to “mask the pain”. So I was asking, would he consider taking one, rather than asking him to go and get himself one. If that makes sense. If he had said yes, I’d have happily got him one and some water. I realise this doesn’t come across this way in my OP.

Right, so what would've happened if you'd said you wanted to lie down for half an hour and could he do the reading?

Two points on this. Firstly, what he did would equate to me just lying down and falling asleep with no discussion beforehand. If I had done that, DH would have been annoyed and I also don’t think he would take the initiative and start getting the kids sorted for bed. He would get annoyed at me because he gets very frustrated when the kids aren’t in their beds at a reasonable time.

Sounds like a mountain out of a molehill

Yes, I agree with Charlotte Lucas you should be more proactive at taking down time too. Like most mothers you probably just power through because you take your childrens welfare more importantly.

Its probably because he was so ready to give up when you know you wouldn’t have. I totally get your point that he’d had an easy day and it was kind of a self inflicted injury. My husband once put himself out of action for a week trying to do something really stupid while he was drunk, it’s hard to maintain much sympathy. Marriage tends to be where you give the other party the benefit of the doubt when pain/sickness arises.

So I suggest that you make sure you give yourself the same latitude that your husband takes for himself. Resentment is a real killer in a marriage.

It sounds like a small thing, and I would be saying just leave it and move on, except the bit in your post about frequent petty arguments. That would upset me too and is worth trying to sort out.

If he doesn't want counselling, is it worth doing a "DIY counselling" session together? Sitting down and having a proper conversation about what causes the arguments and how to address that.

FWIW two adults for bedtime for a 9yo and 6yo does seem a bit unnecessary. But I understand your annoyance if you were knackered and he seemed to be just checking out and leaving it all to you.

Mountains and molehills spring to mind. Probably because you are both tired.

I'd let it slide now.

I get the point about two adults at bedtime. However, often it’s only one of us for the bulk of it, although we do find it makes sense for each of them to read to one of us. Also, DD2 has incredibly thick hair and also suffers from poor circulation, so hair washing/drying takes an age (drying alone is 20 mins) and I can’t just braid it and send her to bed with it damp as that makes her feel freezing. Not every night, granted, but it is a factor a few times a week.

If I’m taking them to bed solo, I start the process a lot earlier. I didn’t do that tonight because he was there and I assumed, able to help.

It’s sounds to me like a straw. You know know the ones that break a camels back… weigh nothing until added to daily, weekly hourly and then you end up like me … literally drained and living at my brothers cos I can’t take the continued lack of support and the resentment has built up passed no return. Yanbu

Yes, true, it doesn't equate to what he did. I was asking because I wondered if he was doing (without any adult discussion) what you really wanted to do yourself (but didn't because you had responsibilities).

And you said if you feel bad, you have to keep going. So my point was: you have a partner who should share the load. Like sleepycats says, take the down time when you need it. Don't be a martyr.

It might've been nicer to offer to get him an ibuprofen, rather than assume he's being awkward to annoy you.

He's a grown man FFS, unless he was physically incapacitated by pain he can get his own pain killers.

He should have said he needed a break from the bedtime routine tonight because he'd strained his neck rather than do a half arsed job and leave you to pick up the slack and get then snippy into the bargain because you asked for help. Sounds like better communication would have helped.

He just opted out and assumed you'd do his share.

He didn't ask, he didn't show any appreciation.

Now you know what to do for the next 3 nights. Take yourself off to bed and chill out. He can deal with everything.

Re DDs hair - fgs. Cut her hair if it's that much of a problem. Toxic gender norms strike again.

What it boils down to is that your H is starting to check out of parenting and resents demands on him at home. He has decided that he has the right to overdo it in the gym and refuse to take pain relief. This is his opt out of evening parenting card.

He has given zero thought to the independence of the girls or any other aspect of their development. He pulled that comment straight out of his arse in order to put you off balance during your argument.

The discussion was not about how much scaffolding the children need or what they should be able to do for themselves. It was about him deciding on the spot and without any explanation to check out of the bedtime routine, and whether that was an acceptable option without any attempt to fix what was preventing him from pulling his weight. The best defense is attack and distract. He rolled it out very effectively.

You need to sit him down and ask him what his priority is here. Is it the gym? Is it fair distribution of the evening parenting?

If you're feeling that you don't get enough time to exercise and look after your own health and wellbeing while he seems to have the life of Reilly, then that needs to be addressed. Tell him how you are feeling. Carve out time for yourself. Make him support you the way he expects you to support his exercise routine.

The question of moving the girls toward independence is a separate one. If he brings it up, don't let him sidetrack you. Refuse to engage, and call him out on his attempt to change the terms of the discussion. Tell him you're happy to hear his ideas on how he will support and encourage the girls some other day.

Basically, it sounds like unclear communication. He said he felt bad, but kept dipping in and out of his tasks rather than asking you to take over. He resented your continuing to ask him to participate, but he HADN'T "made it perfectly clear" that he couldn't. If he just expected you to "know", that's unreasonable of him. His being adamant that I’m the one at fault here is a bit ridiculous, but perhaps he's still in pain and not up to discussing right now. Will he be willing and able to talk about it when he feels better, or are there larger communication issues in the relationship?

I'd thought from your first post that the two of you have a set routine - for example, at x time you each read with one of the girls and each put one to bed. Just this once, he fell asleep and therefore didn't start on his own. But from your follow-ups it sounds like he's somehow seeing you as responsible for the process and him helping or going along, rather than both being equally responsible and no one "in charge". If it's this way with a lot of childcare (and possibly household) responsibilites I'd guess there's some built-up resentment on your part, but that, too, would need a calm two-way discussion and compromise.

I do think you could probably ease up on the reading/bedtime routine at some point soon, but that's something the two of you should discuss privately when there's time, not something he just stops doing or argues about in front of the children.

Sounded like he was in pain and he genuinely needed to rest/in one of those moods where he ‘just couldn’t’ tonight. It happens, I’m guilty of having those evenings myself and so is my partner.

Honestly if it happened often or every night then yeah I wouldn’t blame you for being short back with him, but it sounds like this is a one off maybe and if you could have handled the kids on your own (as he probably thought you could for a one off!) then id let it drop and even go as far as to say your responses to it were unreasonable. We all need time now and again, would it really have hurt too much for you to just let him have that for the evening? He did sound a little arsey though but I genuinely did read that as it was in response to yours.

Sounds like you both need a bit of a chat as to why it was such a big issue for you?