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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How to not let fear of abusive ex control my life?

3 replies

Newmum1998 · 08/11/2022 12:17

My abusive ex was given supervised contact by court and the contact is going well so looks like it will be moving to unsupervised very soon..

I have a non harassment order in place for the next year so he can’t contact me and someone else will have to facilitate handovers
The problem is I still fear for my sons safety in his dads care. My child can’t talk so can’t come back to me and tell me if anything has happened. The supervised contact is going well but it’s only 1 hour sessions once a week and ex can be very charming when he wants to be and act like dad of the year in front of other people but I’ve seen a very different side to him.

He is very volatile and abused me with our baby in my arms and threatened to take our child away and not bring him back numerous times
I’m terrified he will carry this out when he gets unsupervised contact and it will be me who needs to go to court for access which all takes time and god knows what malicious allegations he would make about me like he already has done
I went to the police and he was charged and convicted of his abuse to me and he’s already been convicted in past for abusing an ex of his so I don’t believe he will ever change it’s a pattern of behaviour for him

On top of all of the abuse he also uses cocaine regularly and drinks nearly every night but the court did not order drug testing as they said people use cocaine recreationally and the court accepts that but I had evidence of him stealing money constantly from me and his parents for drugs, drug gangs showing up at his family’s home and threatening them over drug debts and damaging their property, and his family actually needed to get CCTV it was so bad . It’s went on for at least 10 years this behaviour. but that was not enough for the court

My life has improved in every way since leaving him but I feel I can’t be happy and fully move on because I’m scared of what he might do. He always used to threaten me with court and lawyers so I’m sure we will be back in court again in the future and the thought fills me with dread because it’s such a stressful experience

I just want to be happy but how in these circumstances

OP posts:
OnceYouKPop · 08/11/2022 12:37

Are you due back in court to review the move from supervised to unsupervised contact? (This was the case for me but I appreciate it might be different). In my case cafcass were all for 8 weeks of supervised contact and then moving to unsupervised. The issue was alcoholism, a test proved my ex was still drinking heavily and as he didn't make any of the 8 visits, cafcass were forced to rethink their stance altogether.

Newmum1998 · 08/11/2022 12:41

Yes we are back in court soon however the issue is they are not drug testing him so even though I know there is a very high chance he is still using drugs they will just be going by the report he gets from the contact centre and from what the staff at the centre have told me when I have been picking my son up the contact seems to be going well so more than likely it will move on to unsupervised

OP posts:
Newmum1998 · 08/11/2022 12:44

To add to that my ex has made every session
his parents have been taking him and probably forcing him to go as I have seen them outside centre every time
the sessions are only 1 hour so I assume ex isn’t daft enough to show up under the influence of anything but doesn’t mean he’s not taking drugs and drinking after the sessions

OP posts:
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