I just need opinions about this please. I'm not sure if I'm being fair or selfish, those I know irl are telling me I'm right, but they would anyways. Apologies for the length of this.
I have 2 dds, 7 and 5. Their dad lives about 30 miles away.
When we spilt the youngest was a baby. He had no job at that point and wanted arrangements to be made to suit him, so 3.15-5.45 on Wednesday, then 9.30 - 10.45 on Saturday etc and I never knew when he was coming. I declined a lot because I was working and had a childminder who wouldn't accommodate their dad picking them up for a short time then dropping them back again.
He got annoyed and got some legal aid and started sending solicitors letters.
I replied to every one saying that I need a set day/time and cannot accommodate ad hoc arrangements. He was furious and said he wouldn't agree to that and he will take me to court, but eventually his solicitor told him that he was being stupid and a court would definitely order contact, but on the terms I was offering, and that no judge would allow him to pick and choose a few hours over different days for contact (the solicitor accidently emailed me that letter). He finally agreed and its been that way since.
Before covid he would pick them up on a Saturday lunchtime and drop them back on a Sunday night every second week. He also came through one night a week to take them for tea.
He often chopped and changed due to his work schedule (although I was also working at that time and had to find childcare for my own hours plus when he flaked). He was often late too so I had to be at the school/nursery just in case he was late as he never had credit in his phone to call me and tell me.
Covid hit and, due to his job, we decided he wouldn't see the girls in person, this lasted quite a few months, he also never bothered calling much.
When we decided things were OK again I began taking them through to his as I wasn't happy with the girls being on public transport. I now drop them off on a Saturday morning and pick them up sunday tea time this has continued on, he occassionally gives me a tenner for petrol. He hasn't started the weekly tea visit again and doesn't have any intention of doing so.
Due to me being at his house to drop them off I now know he has no carpets, no cooker, no washing machine, the girls sleep in the same bed and he has the couch when they are there.
They come back saying they have been cold so I have bought them all (including him) slippers and oodies. I offered him my air frier when I bought a bigger one (he declined saying he doesn't need my charity) I've also offered to do washing for the girls and drop it back when he has them, he also declined that. I also offered to reduce maintenence if he was struggling for money with the rise in gas bills so he could heat his house when they were there and he called me patronising.
He was also keeping the decent, weather appropriate clothes they arrived at his in and sending them home in tights and tshirts so he had almost all their clothes, although that eventually got sorted
Somewhere over covid I was diagnosed with cancer and I needed an operation, I begged him to take a few days off so the kids had consistency while I was in hospital and recovering. He, eventually told me (2 days before my op) that he had booked a week off work, but I have never heard the end of it. Every time I say anything even a little negative he throws the fact he took a week off for my cancer operation in my face.
2 Christmases ago I left the rest of my kids in the middle of Xmas day to take them to his house so we spilt the day. Last christmas I said I wasn't doing the dropping off and communication just sort of stopped on his side so he never saw them, and it continued on his usual weekend after Christmas.
This Christmas is his day to have them. Its his set weekend anyway.
They have said to me (they won't say it to him because they do adore him, and he can be a little manipulative with them on occassion) that they want Christmas here . They have said his house is cold and messy, he only put a tree up for them because I bought it, and the decorations for him as well. They want to be here with their siblings.
He only ever gets them takeaways because he only has a microwave to cook in, so they won't get a nice dinner either. He isn't really big on presents, he doesn't do the santa thing, just in general he doesn't do any of the Christmas magic at all.
So, what do I do. I don't want to do the drive to split the day because of my older kids. There will be no transport for him (even a taxi would cost a bomb on Xmas day).
I'm sure he will want them Xmas eve and Xmas day, but they will (by the sound of it) have a miserable time there and that breaks my heart.
He had quite a serious girlfriend for a while, and I did occasionally drop the girls at her house when he was staying, and, had they still been together, I would have been happy with the girls having Xmas there as she had a lovely cosy house with carpets and appliances, and I think the girls would have been happy there, so I don't think its just because I think Xmas is my day, I think it's because the thought of them being cold and miserable on Xmas morning is breaking my heart.
What do I do? Just let them go and have a cold and pretty rubbish Xmas? Do I keep them here?
I know that my opinion is obviously bias so that's why I'm asking here.
Thank you for getting through that essay, and thanks in advance for any opinions.