To think I can either be slim and depressed or normal Sized but happier?

[Rockandasparklyplace]

Happier ish anyway as now my weight is getting me down!
I have been a size 6 for several years now and kept my bmi around 18. I’ve also suffered from very low mood and to keep my bmi at that level I have to eat around 800 calories tops on any given day.
Ive been on anti depressants for about two years.
I am mid 30s so not young.
After a conversation with the GP I agreed to try and eat a bit more and I’ve increased my calories to about 1400 a day and I’ve put on 4lbs in three weeks. I feel better in some ways, I’ve more energy and I can actually plan to do things and feel a vague sense of optimism but I also feel huge already. My bmi has come up to about 18.5 and I’m worried I will have to replace all my clothes if the gain continues at this rate.
I don’t know whether to try exercising to see if I can tone up a bit.
I know I am not as naturally slim as a size 6 but I’m really struggling with putting on weight and now I hate looking at myself again.
As my bmi was never as low as 16 - which is the point they get worried - I’ve never had anything around disordered eating.
I can’t decide whether I’d rather be thin and miserable or fatter but happier with the constant hating my body.

You sound very much like there's some disordered eating/body dysmorphia going on here. You shouldn't feel "huge" at 4lb over a size 6.

Honestly I think lots of women (in particular) have this sort of low level eating disorder. Often accompanied by lots of food intolerances or preferences which exclude a lot of nutrition.

Invest in or seek specialist counselling or therapy to learn to reverse this really self destructive way of living. You’ll be so much happier and healthier and possibly have other thoughts than a never ending flow of thoughts around food and weight.

I hope you can succeed.

I think that you need some help in sorting out your disordered attitude to food and to your weight.
It’s very difficult to do that on your own.
A BMI of 18 is low and you’ve clearly been restricting your calories for some time to keep that weight.
I think that with some help you’ll be able to see your options more clearly.
Good luck.

Buy some size 8 jeans, cut the labels out.
Or, sew size 6 labels on your size 8 jeans.
Seriously OP, you may not meet the criteria for anorexia but you are looking at this backwards. You need a body that can do things for you.
Find a form of exercise that makes you feel strong and happy. Could be yoga or dance or swimming or weight lifting or climbing. Something that gives you a sense of achievement and joy that is connected to what your body can do rather than what it looks like.
It’s good that you’ve increased your calories. It would be fantastic if you could get to a place where you no longer feel the need to count calories and can keep a relatively stable weight without monitoring it constantly (going up or down a couple of kgs is not an issue. Yo-yoing between extremes is. So maybe your happy weight will be to have a bmi that varies between about 19 and 21 for example.

That is disordered eating I’m afraid and you should get some professional help. Are you going back to your GP? 800 calories a day isn’t enough, your health is at a real risk here.

Op you say you don't have disordered eating but then you say you stick to an 800 cal a day diet to keep yourself that slim. That is disordered eating.

I’ve never had anything around disordered eating…. to keep my bmi at that level I have to eat around 800 calories tops on any given day.

Yeah it is not normal to eat 800 tops per day and it is absolutely disordered eating.

Sorry OP but you need to look into some counselling. I have issues around my weight. I am constantly unhappy about my size and think about it constantly.
I am still overweight after having counselling which stopped the disordered eating but unfortunately not the negative thoughts.

I understand your feelings, OP.
The only way I see to get the best of both worlds would be building more muscle. Muscles require a lot of energy to maintain, so you can eat more without gaining weight, and since you didn't lose weight when you were eating 800 kcal (you were only keeping your weight on the same level, if I got that right), then I'm afraid you are probably not very physically fit, so it's worth looking into not just for your weight, but also for your health in general.

There is no question that this is ED thinking - hating your body for being a normal weight in particular - can you afford private therapy?

I find when I eat more I weigh a couple of pounds more and it’s not actually weight gain it’s simply from having more food in your system.

It would be very difficult to put on 4lbs of fat or muscle on 1400 calories a day.

This in spades.

Why are you concerned with having a certain BMI? Yes I guess if you put on a bit of weight you may need a size 8 instead of a 6 - is that a problem? Obviously if cost is an issue, look on vinted or go to a clothes swap. Sounds like you think weight gain will be continuous and maybe get out of control - but that's hardly likely in a mid 30s woman that has been semi-starving herself for years is it?

I agree. Please get some help with this.

It sounds like you have an eating disorder but that it’s not reached a level where the NHS will intervene. 800 calories a day won’t give you the nutrients you need, no wonder you feel better eating more.

Look around you. Most people are overweight nowadays and many, many of them are happy and have good relationships. Try and get some counselling of if you can’t, see if you can find an online support group.

Oh yes - eat more!