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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To refuse to support my friend any more

14 replies

jogonboris · 08/11/2022 07:35

A friend of mine met a lady online he fell completely in love with. She lives overseas but they had met in person.

She claimed to be moving to Manchester to be with him last month but has changed her flight plans about 10 times with various excuses regarding jobs and visas and whatnot.

Alarm bells were already ringing for me as none of what she was saying was adding up, but he was hearing none of it. She was also clearly gaslighting him over tiny matters that were completely illogical.

He recently found evidence that she is absolutely not who she says she is and has a whole family with kids back in her home country. There is irrefutable evidence of this.

Nonetheless he adores her and keeps asking me for reassurance that she really could be who she says she is, or that there's a rational reason for it all.

There isn't. She's just insane, from what I can tell.

I don't think it's a financial scam as she hasn't asked him for money, rather just a board, attention seeking woman.

I have run out of supportive words now. I can't keep playing along with him trying to rationalise it and truly believing everything she says. He keeps saying 'yes but it'll all be better when she moves here'.

She clearly isn't moving here...

What do I say to him. I don't want to be too harsh (although I've tried several times and he doesn't take any notice). He's clearly very in love and very distressed and I do sympathise, but this is madness.

I've run out of energy to support it all.

OP posts:
jogonboris · 08/11/2022 07:35

*bored!

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 08/11/2022 07:41

Stuff like this is tricky but for me, I end friendships where there is no reciprocity.

If you have said ‘I’m not having this conversation again. The woman is clearly not genuine and I don’t want to hear about her or this nonsense again’ and he’s ignoring it then it would be time to end it for me.

I have friends who I don’t always agree with but this is a few levels beyond that.

SeasonFinale · 08/11/2022 07:43

She hasn't asked for money - yet!

BittenontheBum · 08/11/2022 07:47

Very different scenario from you, but recently ended a friendship when it became glaring obvious how one sided it was. Me giving time/energy/emotional energy and then realising that it was pointless.
It's up to you, but protect yourself from burn out 💐

jogonboris · 08/11/2022 08:12

SeasonFinale · 08/11/2022 07:43

She hasn't asked for money - yet!

Agree! I'm waiting for it...

OP posts:
ShallowHalWantsAGal · 08/11/2022 08:21

God, this all sounds awful. Is this a relative or just a friend? I think, even if she was genuine, he is unburdening a lot on to you and chasing drama a bit

wackamole · 08/11/2022 08:52

Is he bothered that she has lied to him about ... well, everything? He's making up all kinds of alternative explanations and asking you to do so too, but if there is some big secret that explains all of this, only she can tell him. I'd ask him: why hasn't she, and when will she?

In his position, I'd be thinking I never really knew this person. In yours, I'd be angry that someone has treated my friend badly. Even putting the "best" spin on it - it started out as a scam or a game but then she fell madly in loooooove with him - on a practical level she can't (and shouldn't) leave her children (and spouse, I assume?) behind and move to another country.

All you can do is be sympathetic that this "relationship" didn't work out and encourage him to move on. It's not that unusual that people have intense feelings, even reciprocated, and can't be together so have to end the relationship.The best thing for him to do, in order to get over her, is cut contact with her.

I wouldn't encourage his speculation about "the real story" - hard as it must be for him, it's irrelevant. She isn't coming. If he can't accept that as fact yet, state it as your opinion. You're not being harsh telling him this; it would be mean to give him false hope.

If by some miracle she does move to Manchester, she can tell him the truth then. For now he has to get on with his life. I wouldn't end the friendship over it, just treat it like anyone wallowing in a bad breakup; try to distract him and focus on things that have nothing to do with her. If necessary say straight out "let's not talk about Anna today, it's just upsetting you" and firmly change the subject. Multiple times if necessary. If he's refusing to talk about anything else, you may just have to leave him to it for a bit.

RachelBosenterfer · 08/11/2022 08:56

It's a "romance scam". It's usual for the mark to be groomed for several months before the requests for money start. www.actionfraud.police.uk/a-z-of-fraud/romance-scams

DietColaBreak · 08/11/2022 09:02

Oh gosh, poor him. I know you r finding him frustrating, but when you are the victim of a scam (I've been there - not a love scam, but a financial one), you do know deep down you are being scammed, but you try so hard to hold onto the possibility you are not because acknowledging you are means the realisation that all the time (and in my case money) you've invested is for nothing and your trust has been betrayed. The alternative to believing the scammer is not something you want to face, so you carry on the belief and the illusion because it's less heartbreaking and prolongs the time of happiness and avoids facing the devastation.

I know this must be draining for you. Do step back for a bit, but if you r a true friend please be there for him when reality hits. At that point he will be miserable and distraught and will need people who care about him. He is not holding onto the possibilities it's all going to be ok because he's stupid. He's just protecting himself from the realisation of the truth, which will be horrendous for him.

Mummieslncorporated · 08/11/2022 10:32

This reply has been withdrawn

Message withdrawn - posted on wrong thread

Mummieslncorporated · 08/11/2022 10:33

Wrong thread, sorry. I've reported my post.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 08/11/2022 10:35

Oh God I had a friend like this.

Had being the operative word.

There was no talking to him because every conversation came back to this girl.
When she turned out to be a visa scammer rinsing him for everything, another girl from abroad popped up. I gave up.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 08/11/2022 10:36

(it took 8 years for the scales to fall from the first one)

WYDMAD · 08/11/2022 10:40

I've never understood people like this. Who get so infatuated by people they hardly know.

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