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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask my daughter to keep an eye on her friend?

8 replies

WorldLeaderPretend · 07/11/2022 22:34

My DD is 13, year 8. Her close friend - lovely girl - is noticeably slimmer than when they were at primary together, but not underweight.

I was putting Dd's lunch together last week and she mentioned that her packed lunch friends are jealous of her lunchbox, as it's Bento style. This somehow led on to her mentioning how her friend had said she has to make her own lunch. Nothing wrong with this, obviously, it's great to encourage this kind of independence and I would love DD to do this, but we haven't started it yet for valid reasons outside the purpose of this post (attempting to avoid derail!). She then said with some concern that said friend -lets call her Poppy- hardly has any lunch in her box. Sometimes a fruit winder and a bag of crisps, and sometimes just crisps. DD said she offered her some of her bread but Poppy refused, claiming she doesn't like it.

I guess I am concerned that Poppy isn't getting enough to eat, whether that is because she is too disorganised and tardy in the mornings to assemble a full lunchbox so she is just grabbing some of the snack items, or whether she is restricting her eating deliberately. Another friend came round to hang out and I steered the chat round to packed lunches and said friend also commented that Poppy hardly has anything in hers.

I offered to put an extra sandwich in DD's that she can discreetly share with Poppy, but DD seems to think she wouldn't take it. Given her obvious weight loss (or growing through her weight, maybe) I have said to DD to keep an eye on Poppy and let me know if, over the next week or so, she never has a proper lunch with her. My thought was that I would then make a call to her head of year for them to handle quietly. Should I butt out? I am more worried that she is restricting her calories than that she is too disorganised to pack a proper lunch, because she refuses items when others offer to share.

OP posts:
colourPink · 07/11/2022 22:36

As a Head of Year and secondary English teacher I think you're right. No harm in raising a concern, especially if there is an issue! I'd simply send the HoY an email/ or quick call and express your concerns so they can deal with it discreetly.

Pineapplestropical · 07/11/2022 22:52

What about poppys parents? Can you talk to them?

ilovemotorways · 07/11/2022 23:03

Pineapplestropical · 07/11/2022 22:52

What about poppys parents? Can you talk to them?

At most secondary schools kids parents don't really engage with each other or even know each other.

This very much depends, poppy could just be growing into her height and getting slimmer. She might eat loads at home, or just not need to eat much? Does she seem withdrawn, pale, unhappy? Is she tired all the time or exercising excessively? It's all about the wider context of how she's doing/if her behaviour has changed.

It's lovely how much you care though! 😊

WorldLeaderPretend · 07/11/2022 23:04

I don't know Poppy's parents well at all - and don't want to seem accusatory. I think if I get more info I could ask them about it maybe? I was thinking it might be better for school to raise with them if they follow up and find a real issue.

OP posts:
WorldLeaderPretend · 07/11/2022 23:15

Poppy is lovely - one of my favourite of DD's friends. She's calm, friendly, responsible and kind. I wouldn't imagine her to be the type to become anorexic - probably my ignorance but I imagined this might be more linked with anxiety/ perfectionism/ self induced or externally placed high pressure. She's not like that. She does tend to eat veggie away from home as they eat halal - so I could understand her turning down a ham sandwich but I assume some pitta bread and hummus would not be problematic to a halal diet? I am ashamed to say I don't know very much about it. Can non- meat items be not halal?

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 07/11/2022 23:21

I would just contact the head of year now.

Perhaps just say your daughter has mentioned this a few times.

I wouldn't ask your daughter to keep an eye on it.. she's still a little bit young and might end up mentioning it to Poppy, which could do a lot of harm. It really needs to be handled by the school.

Hawkins001 · 07/11/2022 23:25

At a guess,.weight control or psychological issues surrounding themselves.

Hawkins001 · 07/11/2022 23:25

All the best op

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