Dh birthday disagreement

[Yamaya]

Dh had a 'big' birthday the other day. We don't usually get each other anything, just a card that I might let the kids scribble in. Which usually gets put next to his bed and left for a month or two until I take it away and do something with it.

This year as it was a big one I bought him a quite expensive gift, and a bottle of something I know he likes and a card with chocolates in. This came on the morning of his birthday so I quickly opened it and scribbled in a message from me.

I also took the day off and we went out for a nice meal at lunch time.

Previously I had tried to organise a party for him but he was very non committal about the whole thing, wasn't happy with any venue so in the end I made a Facebook invite to all his friends to meet us at a certain place for a drink in the evening. Organised a babysitter as well. It was a great night and dh said he loved it and was so much fun.

Today (3 days later) dh has started a row with me that he didn't get anything from the kids this year. He said they didn't even say happy birthday.. But they did we all sang happy birthday in the morning. They are 4 (but with asd and delay) and 6.

I said I didn't realise it was a big deal to him, he never told me it was, I will make sure I do that in future but he's still angry with me.

For context my birthday is in 2 days and I don't think he has planned anything or even taken the day off work to spend with me. But when I mentioned that I got "well yours isn't a big birthday".

Yabu - how dare you forget or not realise the kids scribble was an integral part of a big birthday celebration

Yanbu - dh is being an ungrateful baby

He's embarrassed he's done nothing for your birthday and deflecting by causing a row.

I don't know, because we don't normally do much for birthdays anyway. He said he just likes that small thing from the kids because it's sweet and it's not all about material things or something. I get it. Just he never told me he needed that, or seemed fussed in the past about it.
It's been a busy time lately with both kids in school, endless appointments etc. I forgot that that was supposed to be a thing we do. I didn't know it meant so much. But however much I apologised last night he was still angry.

This is about something else, not the birthday.

He is being an arse but if you care get the kids to make him some crispie cakes or a drawing today and give it to him as a late present. Suspect pp is right though that this isn't really about that

@Pleasegodgotosleep has it.

Yeah I think he did get annoyed at me earlier. I'd been at work all day and then the gym when I got home I was shattered and not feeling particularly hungry and he was so I just let him do us something for dinner for once. He kept asking what I wanted and I said just do whatever you want and I'll eat it. Then after dinner it was a rush to get the kids upstairs and ready for bed. I said for him to help get kids into their Pyjamas and brush their teeth and I would tidy up the kitchen. I was annoyed because the kitchen was completely trashed from the morning breakfast stuff and his lunch because dh WFH. I know he had walked to the shop because he likes the walk but he hadn't emptied the dishwasher and put things away. I'd had a really busy day and just wanted to get kids to bed and flop on sofa. Instead of getting kids ready he went to the bathroom to floss out a bit of pepper in his tooth. Was telling me all about the pepper in his tooth. I didn't respond because I was thinking what to say and angry about the kitchen and he did get the hump then and stormed upstairs.

Im autistic and it takes me a while to process things and articulate myself which he knows. But I think looking back on it that's what initially pissed him off.

Sorry but if my dh went to work all day then the gym, then flopped himself on the sofa while I cooked and he said he'd eat whatever I was making without contributing any meal ideas then I was sent to get kids ready for bed after I'd be in a bad mood too

There’s obviously a lot more going on here than the birthdays. Your relationship sounds quite dysfunctional. Are you happy in other ways, at all?

However, if you’ve agreed not to make a fuss of each other at birthdays that’s one thing, but teaching young children about how to celebrate birthdays and giving cards and gifts to those they love most is pretty standard, isn’t it? I think it’s quite unusual that with 4- and 6-year-olds you’ve never made a habit of it.