Set up in Indian Household - AIBU

[Tiredavist]

Would love to know thoughts - please be kind. My set up is as follows, DH, me and 3DC all under the age of 5. MIL and FIL also live with us, they have rented their own house out and pay minimum contribution because MIL helps out with childcare and supports with household chores. She doesn't work. FIL, me and DH work. I WFH but my job is quite demanding - I earn 2x what DH does, I've recently gone back to work following mat leave due to financial reasons and cut short my maternity leave.

Having 3 under 5 is exhausting. My work is quite demanding, 8-6/7 with full on days and an expectation of high output although it is WFH. I get kids ready in the morning, do drop off, do pick up, help feed them dinner and then homework, ready for bed. Because I have to make up the time (and I'm often too exhausted to do so) my performance at work has slipped.

MIL looks after the baby, does majority of the household chores (mainly because she doesn't think my standards are high enough and always redoes anything I do do or takes over saying I'll do it) and cooks the dinner etc for all. She also looks after the baby so I can work although he will be in a day nursery for a couple of mornings in the new year.

DH works out leaving at 6:30 and coming home at 4:30 on most days but with some days not until 6. As soon as he comes home, he goes into the shower (for the second time having had one in the morning) and 'tidies up' after us as apparently I am messy. He has little career progression however over the last couple of years has progressed but without a substantial pay increase. Even if he does progress the pay differential isn't great (public sector) he does help out with the kids on the weekends and we spend most of our weekends together trying to do experiences with the kids. During the week however, his contribution to the kids is minimal, he leaves too early to help get them ready and is back too late to do dinner etc. He eats dinner whilst I look after kids and vice versa. I'm getting really exhausted by his lack of contribution, he has only started doing homework recently because I said enough is enough and even then, it's very unstructured.

We've just had an argument where he has said 'i do fck all and haven't lifted a finger in the house' and I am so frustrated and annoyed by it because yes although I do not do the household chores as mil does them (out of choice - I say to her on a weekly basis that I will be doing xyz and she does it anyway), I am the main breadwinner and I am the one who is trying to be a present parent for my kids. I'm finding myself being absolutely exhausted and I feel like I am getting into depression because it just all feels like too much. I guess what I'm asking is does anyone have a similar experience and what advice can you give? Should my DH be doing more? Should I be doing more? Any advice?

I think your problems are:

DH

you just don't have enough pairs of hands in the house.

I'm from a similar background and although I haven't lived with the ILs, I completely get the stupidly high standards that you are expected to live up to.

You need to firstly acknowledge that no one person is working particularly harder than another, everyone is doing their best.

Organise respite for each other, including your MIL where you can. An afternoon in the week, a lie in during the weekend.

Get some outside help in if you can afford it, or extra childcare for the younger ones so that you can concentrate on your job, and MIL gets some downtime.

I'm sure things will get easier as the children get older but 3 under 5 will always be hard.

Also tell your husband to lower his standards for the next 15 years.

With declutteringmymind on this. You're all snowed.

It's difficult when you have family constantly judging you. It sounds like you and MIL are on the same team in that she is at least working as hard as you doing housework and childcare. The problem is your dh is neither the main breadwinner nor particularly helpful. But he is out 6 til 6 so that's not easy.

I earn 2x DH salary but he does 50-50 domestic stuff. We dont have help from family that you do but we have a cleaner and used childcare at that age of our dc.

I think you need a conversion where you acknowledge that it's hard with 3 under 5. Your MIL is bearing the brunt of the domestic burden by choice. If he wants you to do more something has got to give in your work and childcare responsibilities. Plus he needs to do more also. Maybe he could change his hours so he can do the morning or afternoon with the dc. It seems a bit useless to worry about housework when MIL is already doing it.

Possiblg stop going on about earning more. It isn't a free pass. Meanwhile he needs to realise that your working day is full on and you are exhausted. The family need to know that WFH is the same as WOH - you cant be doing housework all the time and you can only do so much with the dc as you need to do your work between 8 and 6.

Could you go PT to give you a day catching up on the domestic stuff and give MIL a break?

What are your finances like? It sounds like a good arrangement. 3 adult salaries. 1 domestic and childcare help saving on nursery costs. Can you or dh cut back on work to give MIL and you a bit of breathing room?

Conversation not conversion

I am also from the same background, you should be so thankful that your mil is doing so much, the kids are being taken care off apart from homework, your husband should take on that role but he gets home too late. Just work out whether it’s worth him working full time seeing as you earn more? I know it is more traditional and expeditions are on us to do more as women but you are actually the main breadwinner. He needs to step up, all he has to do is structure homework and spend some time with the kids. You both had a cushty set up, don’t have to worry about cooking/cleaning, just actual spending time with kids. He shouldn’t be coming home and having a shower straight after work unless he works in construction. He could easily do this When kids are in bed. He is not appreciating the fact that yes you do work from home but that doesn’t mean that your job is less demanding. Plus you have all the added expectations from in laws. It’s not okay. He should go part time or finish at 4 every day and take some responsibility.

That sounds very tough. It does sound like the men aren’t picking up any slack. It sounds like it’s all on you and your MIL. They really (well your husband definitely) need to up their game.

Thanks all, I think you are all right. MIL doesn't look after the kids at all on the weekends so she does have a chance to rest and lay in etc (which is the very least we can do given she does so much during the week and she's in early 60s)

I think you are right about DH needing to step up, he doesn't work in construction but does come across alot of people and his justification is that he doesn't want to give kids COVID 🤔

He also only does nightfeed on 2 of the 7 days (Friday and Saturday) because he works out and is up earlier even though I am normally up before 7 too. The baby does still wake at night. If the kids are I'll then the expectations is also that I take the day off and if they have medical appointments then it's me again taking the kids

He doesn’t want to give the kids covid?! Is that a joke?

won’t they be going into nursery soon anyway…

Yes 2/3 are in school, the baby will be going to nursery next year.

It's frustrating

Perhaps (if possible) you should reduce your hours (even if you are the main earner). With 3 under 5 and still doing night feeds it must be exhausting.

In regards to 'indian house hold':
Dd2 is 7 months and I'm on maternity. Hubby (Indian and works looking shifts) does 50% of house work and is very much involved with 'childcare'.